Toxic friendship is as much as I’ve endured. I know what’s good for me and this wasn’t. That said, the voices in my head told me to be a good friend, ignore it, be a good friend. When my head and heart felt like they were going to explode, I finally told that little voice to “shut the fuck up” and I made a quick, but painful, exit.

It took a little time to find myself again and to love the things in life that I’d loved before they soiled them.

It’s amazing all the impulses these sort of situations trigger. You feel and do things you didn’t know you could (both rational and highly irrational.)

THEN, after therapy and a new job. I finally got over it and we slowly got back together and got married. And now, we have a kid and have been married for 4 years.

Lets put it this way, not love addicted anymore! Very placid marriage… maybe we got out all the fighting and stalking before….

I have a brand new behavior. I finally got fed up with accepting & allowing bad treatment. I am responsible for what/who comes into my life. I am still sans partner, still searching, optimistic.

After the last 5-yrs alone with 2-dozen 1st dates crossed off in my appointment book, I have learned:

1. I feel empowered by saying ‘no’ to someone who does not have my best interests at heart. I go home a bit disappointed & lonely… but my self-esteem & self-respect are intact. They are currently the best things to tuck myself into bed with. I love the newfound feeling that I stuck up for myself.

2. Snakes reveal themselves within the first 5-min. All I need do is take a step back & observe.

3. I now believe what I see, no matter how adorable the package.

4. I now believe what I hear, no matter how attractive the voice/accent or the protestations that I misunderstood. I no longer make excuses for a man who is too sub-human to admit his mistakes & apologize or better yet, chooses his words lovingly & carefully. My hearing, powers of perception & ability to decipher language work just fine. I know what I heard. Exit, stage left. Next!

5. I now trust what I feel. It is my inate gift of protecting my very essence, spirit & soul. That’s why I have feelings. They work well, always did. I dusted them off & now utilize them. Bonus: they’re free.

6. If I would not treat another person as poorly as he’s expecting me to accept, I need to pick myself up & walk away in silence. He doesn’t deserve parting pleasantries, a respectful ‘thank you for the drink/lunch/dinner & goodbye’ or an explanation. He already knows the reason. He’s done this before to other women who’ve allowed it. I, however, no longer allow it. Talk to the hand, because I will say nothing. You deserve nothing more from me. I deserve only better.

He is testing me to see if I’ll take on his abhorant behavior. He’s a victim gatherer. It is his pattern. Let him change it. I no longer allow myself to be collected by victim gatherers. I am not an article. Until I meet the best, I will not bide my time with anyone who treats me as less than… I am more than in many ways. Find out, gently or move on, quickly.

7. If I’d like to date an athletic man my age I have something in common with, I will frequent places where men are physically active & I have things in common with them. I will no longer complain if I suddenly discover the boyfriend I met in a bar, who only wants to frequent bars, has a full-blown drinking problem, but, I can’t discuss it with him because he’s at the bar.

8. I mean what I say & I always follow through. I’m here, I’m clear, get used to it!

9. I’m a work in progress. I reserve the right to edit ideas, thoughts & beliefs, purging that which doesn’t serve me any longer & adding in that which will. I am the perfect reflection of what I believe & live now. That in itself is enough. I will decide how I reflect myself daily. Should anyone tell me differently, the eject button will be utilized & entry tickets shall be confiscated. No admission after show begins. I’m not sorry.

10. I am a loving soul with a great mind in a greater body. Observe posted sign: Don’t feed the Goddess. I will decide what I take in each & everyday. Problem? I thought not. Thank you.