Comments on: Bad Mothers

By: Monica

Monica — Tue, 27 Aug 2013 15:58:45 +0000

Admittedly, I blame my mom for all of it. ALL of it. And it is her fault. It really is. I was completely dependent upon her for guidance and my very basic needs. And she blew it. But I still love her, I still try to maintain a relationship and I still see the positive parts of my childhood. I don’t need her to acknowledge the depth of wrongs done to me, and there were many. That is mine to figure out how to tolerate.

I have chosen not to have children, mostly because I am too lazy to take care of one (which, admittedly, doesn’t stop many), but also because I have such limited access to any life skills of my own, how would I teach another human basic things like how to get a driver’s license before you’re 34, or how you’d even begin to enroll in College, and why you would want to consider such a thing. Actually, having said that, I would have been able to explain the hell outta those two concepts!

By: Moo-lissa

Moo-lissa — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 23:20:17 +0000

Dear Sister,

Well, I’m unemployed and depressed and this is my 15th day sober. It sucks and it’s great at the same time. Mostly, it sucks…I’ve made a real mess of my life.

Mate’s book sounds like one worth reading. I definitely come from a whacked out family, although I am 42 now and I love my mom unconditionally, the same way I’ll bet Max loved you.

I had a bad day today. Felt like I couldn’t leave the house. So I stayed in and I’ve read about 30 of your blog entries. Let me tell you, I know you were a great mom.

Peace, hugs, and lots of love from Chicago

By: Just a Girl

Just a Girl — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 03:32:01 +0000

I believe we’re all wired differently and that’s all it is. I know someone who is an identical twin. The two both grew up in the same shitty household with abuse, addiction, and chaos all around them. One of them turned to drugs, and became an addict. The other is in college.

What we end up doing, the choices we make, and the ways we comfort ourselves are all in our wiring. Nature? Nurture? Who the hell knows? What makes one person have a couple drinks socially, and another not be able to stop drinking until they’re passed out and puking?

You could make yourself crazy trying to figure it all out. Don’t.

By: Seb

Seb — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 21:58:22 +0000

This is an interesting point that could probably be debated forever. We are the sum of our experiences and choices we have made. So because of this blame or credit cannot be placed at any one single persons feet for our failings/problems or our assets respectively. My mother suffered with severe depression and psychosis when I was growing up and still does. I know that she always did her best for me, however if her condition did not exist I do not doubt that I would of had a very different childhood experience. As an adult I have suffered with depression and addiction. Would this have still been the case if my mother was well, we’ll never know but I do believe that your formative years lay the foundations for the rest of your life. I understand that what happened to me during my childhood was not done intentionally or with mallice it just happened through nobodies fault. It did however happen and i think it does have a part to play in how my life turned out. Saying this the choices of friends I had, the situations I put myself in etc etc all have played thier part aswell. When I saw the title of your post about the book it immediately caught my eye and I wanted to know more, I imagine when your son found the book he felt the same. Regardless of anything I think it is part of the human condition to look for answers. If you have addiction issues you will want answers as how to solve them and where they may of come from, much in the same way someone may look for reasons as to why they are academic. I think that being a parent is one of the biggest responsibilities anyone can face and that you will always question whether you did a good job. No matter what you cannot control the things that will come face to face with your children and sadly some make unwise decisions. Should of, could of, would of are inevitable questions in life but if you know in your heart that you did your best with the information you have at the time then that is the most that anyone can ask. I have never blamed my mother I have accepted that it was something that happened. Ultimately we are all accountable for our own actions and choices and you will not change your behaviour until you are ready, regardless of what others may do to try and help. Obviously I can only speak from my own experience and I have not read the book so cannot comment on what Gabor Mate had to say but I thought another perspective is always useful.

By: Sister Wolf

Sister Wolf — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 09:48:00 +0000

Nomi – moi aussi is right, your comment is so eloquent and insightful, Thank you so much. Wishing you strength, xoxoxo

moi aussi – Yep, they come into the world with a personality. Your daughter is blessed but your son has the good luck of a mother who is sensitive to his wiring. You can keep an eye on him and seek early intervention if you think he is clinically depressed. I wish I had done that for Max, who looks way too solemn in his childhood pictures. You are a vigilant mom and that is the best one can ask for. xo

By: moi aussi

moi aussi — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 23:52:16 +0000

Nomi,

Your response made me cry. My mother wasn’t depressed but she was messed up and twisted. She did a huge number on my head on my wedding day and then I found myself depressed and pregnant some months later. My poor son. He’s anxious, like me and artistic. I will always lament that he did not get my husband’s naturally sunny, confident personality. My daughter, born five years later, did.

My son is eight and I pray for him every day. That he’ll be all right.

Sister Wolf. This blog is so precious and beautiful, like a jewel. You take such care to answer everyone. I’m so sorry about your son.

Moi Aussi

By: Nomi

Nomi — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:15:26 +0000

Why would Max tell you to read this? I suppose he was having a bad day and wanted to throw some guilt your direction (I think he inherited a bit of defiance and a desire to stir the pot from his mother.) But many of us have gotten to that point of confrontation with our parents, usually in our early 20’s, when we try to find a concrete reason for being the fucked up people we’ve become. Then later, in our 30’s, we witness first hand the actual difficulty of being a parent/spouse/person of employ. This is when everything about our perception of childhood becomes so much clearer. For years I tried to blame my mother’s anger/depression/shitty attitude for my “psychological problems.” But then I had children. I began to understand, while clinging to the brink of my own sanity, that my mother was merely a human being burdened by crazy hormones, an unhappy marriage, a full-time job, and children.
Forget that he read this book. He was hoping to find a single source of his problems. Parents, even the good one’s, make excellent scapegoats. He wanted answers but I don’t think he actually found any in this book. He was in pain. He was an addict. He was depressed. He was disabled and perhaps simply unable to “rise up and overcome.” I don’t mean to sound as if I know all the details of his life but I myself, a clinical alcoholic, a mother of two young children, the spouse of an often absent but very well paid partner, have had my share of “they’d be better off without me” moments. The children keep me from leaving. Shame prevents me from killing myself. When all is right with the world my brain can still somehow sink those tangible sources of happiness. It’s in the wiring. The brain. You can’t change how your children are wired. What appears to be an act of senselessness to one person may be perfectly rational to others. You weren’t the cause of his death. If anything he thought he was saving you from himself.

By: tartandtreacly

tartandtreacly — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 03:05:56 +0000

I don’t know. Maybe. I know I’m a manic-depressive and my mother is an (undiagnosed) manic-depressive, and in my worst moments I have blamed her, and then was ashamed to have done so.

I don’t know. But I do know I wish I could hug you until the stuffing fell out.

By: Denise (denisekatipunera)

Denise (denisekatipunera) — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 00:37:48 +0000

nobody can really explain addiction. am sorry for max. SW you are a good mother.

i am a new mom to a nine month old baby. and i love him to death. sometimes it is hard. this whole motherhood thing but i love it.

this blogging is good too, one day when my son hates me ill show him my blog. hahaha.

By: Edie

Edie — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 20:47:25 +0000

it makes me sad to think of you reading this book, like you needed that…You loved your son and he knew that, what else can you do as a parent then to make sure they know you love them, no matter what….If in their darkest, loneliest moments our children don’t need to wonder if they are loved, then we have done all we can, the rest is up to them…