However, if you’ve ever seen Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch do the Amorous Hot Tub Get Away Academics on SNL, (I think if you put in Will Ferrell, SNL and Hot Tub you might find it) the following is what you’d get. From a real book!:

“Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.”

Twenty ears later, she still refers to that evening as “the night she held us under her spell and controlled us with her hips”, or something along those lines, just because I never had the heart to tell her how horrible her show was that night.

But yes, skaterboys. They are not to be trusted. Most of them lie about their age and are really in their mid-thirties. Many of them are also “between sponsors”, which is skaterspeak for being unemployed.

Their fingers touched – and they’re not married!!!

Honestly, I don’t know what the world is coming to!

One day, when I went outside to bring in the newspaper, he came racing up to my front lawn and snatched up the paper. He handed it to me and said “Here you go, ma’am.”

I laughed nervously and said “You can call me miss, actually.” He stared boldly into my eyes and flashed a dazzling smile. His eyes travelled down to my bellybutton as I realised that my negilgee had come undone and my entire body was exposed to his greedy blue eyes.

“Nice belly button” he said hoarsely. I remembered my belly dancing classes at the YWCA and started to move my hips.

Bla bla bla bla. After we lay side by side, enjoying the after glow of our urgent sweaty coupling, I asked what his name was. “Jake” he answered, because all boys that age are named Jake if not Josh, Kyle or Dylan.

David- But where is the ‘sex’ in your entry?

Oh dear, I can’t stand the excitement, I’m off to bed.

THE SHOCK OF LOVE!
Algernon timed his visit to the office tea-making area to coincide with Cecily’s. They both froze as their eyes met over the formica worktop. His eyes ravaged her pretty summer frock with the high collar and the demurely long skirt. He became aware of butterflies in his stomach and a curious sensation in his Y-fronts. He also became uneasily aware that he was standing in a puddle of spilt water left by some careless co-worker and that his rather smart brogues were changing colour. Undeterred, and encouraged by the intensity of Cecily’s gaze, he reached for a cup at the same time as she did and for a second their hands touched. “I could never experience a jolt like that”, he thought, as he reached unthinkingly for the kettle’s electric lead with his other hand and, shorting out through the puddle of water, received 250 volts up his arm that threw him across the room. His last thought as his brogues smoked and sizzled, was, “Wrong again, Algie, old chap!”

Now, be honest, what do you think? Great, or simply superlative?