She will always have a special place in my heart. I too wanted to save her when she was a part of my life.

She was my girlfriend for a couple years. Our first date was at Noodle, our next date was at Pride, we were inseperabe after that… we ended up living together in midtown Atlanta, had two dogs, Jack and Josie – she surprised me one day, she got Josie for me. Josie looked like a baby deer. And of course, Tilly, her cat.

Mandy was very outgoing, spunky, loving, caring, she was tiny, but she was the life of the party, she was more of a hippy girl back then, had long, blond curly hair, she could talk and make friends with anybody and was always on the go. She was pretty awesome.

She proposed to me one evening at Piedmont Park and she arranged a brautiful engagement party at Noodle with all our friends. We had a lot of good memorable times. Going up to the cabin, riding her horses, chillin’ with the dogs, she loved animals, she would do anything for her babies, especialy Jack. She loved him so much.

But…she had growing issues that were festering her since her childhood. Issues I couldn’t even control, help, or fix. After a while, things just started getting worse…

Alcolism, anorexia, bipolar, drug abuse, the lying…it all got worse. She would sneak off to god knows where. She would down entire bottles of Jack Daniels like it was water. There were a lot of things she was doing that I didnt know about. She would come home wasted or drunk. I really tried to help her! 🙁 we started arguing a lot more, her drinking was getting worse. I didnt drink, I felt like I needed to help her, so i stayed, I wanted to help her, I tried to help her… when she was drunk, it reminded me of times when my dad was a raging alocholic. Because of that, it made me not like drinking. He was 12 years sober when I called him one afternoon asking what I should do because Mandy was so drunk she was yelling at people in front of the house – he told me there’s nothing you can do to help her, she has to help herself first. I cried.

She promised to change, to stop, but her inner demons were overpowering her.

One day I came home from work only to find her having sex with one of our friends. They were drunk. I didn’t say anything, I just turned around, packed some things and was going to leave…she ran after me, she begged, she pleaded, threw things, cried and screamed for me to stay, but it was the final straw for me. I was done, exhausted, had enough.

I ended up leaving….she called my phone a million times, I ignored all of the calls and messages. I guess it got bad at the house after I left, her parents had to come and get her. The next day she checks into rehab.

While she was in rehab, she would write me letters. Telling me how sorry she was, how much she loved me, the future she saw with us. It was the genuine, Mandy in the letters. The one I fell in love with 😐

After rehab, she wanted to have a start fresh…she had this infatutaion with Philly…and so thats where her parents sent her. She was living in this loft by herself on 12th street…she wanted to see me and visit her, telling me she’s doing good and has changed….I go.

But nothing has changed 🙁 she was still drinking. She was still lying. Living where she was living wasn’t helping either, the people she met and had associated herself with there weren’t helping her get better.

Philly doesn’t work out for her, she’s back in rehab…she eventually moves back to Atlanta. Back to midtown. She calls me, has me visit her…her new place is a disaster. She has more tattoos, she has this huge ass butterfly tattoo on her chest, she tells me she wants to be a Suicide Girl (this magazine) and asks me to take photos of her so she can submit them to the magazine (I was doing some photography at the time as a hobby). I still cared for Mandy and wanted her to be happy and be supportive of her….but she was out of control. She was still drinking, using drugs, whippets were her thing and going out to bars. I couldn’t hangout with her, she was different, her lifestyle was crazy, she was out of control.

The years went by, I moved on from Atlanta and traveled the world, but she would faithfully call me every month… one time Mandy told me she was in LA doing modeling, then another time she was doing porn, then she was working at the bunny ranch, she had a new girlfriend… just crazy stories. I didn’t know whether or not to believe her.

The last time I talked to her was in August 2008, I was on the otherside of the world, she was in Atlanta working at a pizza place doing good, trying to get her life back together. She told me she loved me, and I told her I loved her too and we would catch up when I got back.

I didn’t hear from her after that, I wondered why… I lost her # in my old phone. I didn’t know where she was, what she was doing, how to get a hold of her…then one day I Googled her name and came across her obituary :'( then read a post of how she died and something her girlfriend wrote about how she found her 🙁 it was devistating news. I was heartbroken.

I think about her all the time…the good times we had. But I know she’s in a better place, at peace, surrounded by unconditional love, no more pain, and she no longer has to deal with those inner demons.

*sigh* glad I could write this and get it off my chest.

That was my time with Mandy Krasner, a beautiful soul. Rest In Peace, I love you.