God it was boring but I must uphold the tradition so here it is:

Johnny Depp has finally jumped the shark, hotness-wise, but Ewan McGregor and Colin Firth were very do-able.

Madonna tried to get back at Ricky Gervaise for making a joke about her, because she’s too important to ridicule. She also forced us to look at her breasts, only to come in second to the magnificant rack of Selma Hyak.

Madge’s arms were painfuly lean, as were Angie‘s and Michelle Pfieffer‘s. Kate Winslet‘s arms were pleasingly healthy, and her young boyfriend glowed as she gave her acceptance speech. Elton John looked furious when he lost to Madonna, Leo looked tired and sad all night, and it was worrisome to see Sasha Baraon Cohen there without Isla.

Jessica Biel must be blowing some important people, because there’s no other reason for her to  present  an award.   Julianne Moore looked pasty but her long green earrings were fabulous. Nicole Kidman wore a breathtaking dress and continued the charade of being  heterosexual  and in love with that dopey country singer.

Angelina was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips. She turned to smile at Brad each time someone said something “funny.” Jane Fonda was glowingly well-preserved and knew enough to cover her arms, but she shot some actress a death glare when the latter stepped on her gown.

There were far too many mermaid dresses. Stop it, actresses! Only Beyonce looks good in them.

Clare Dane was careful to highlight her flat chest, as always. We get it Clare, you like being flat.

Morgan Freeman was eloquent and moving when he accepted his award, as was that French guy whose father won an award in 1965. The French guy was so moving that several actors in the audience mouthed “beautiful” with tears sparking in their eyes. Another French guy was sorry for being French, but no one forgave him.

Michelle Williams looked stupid in her childish headband but was heartbreaking in her ode to her poor fatherless daughter. Kate Beckensale got the giggles on stage and looked as radiantly pretty as when I saw her in Sephora a few weeks ago.

The Worst Dress award in my opinion goes to Piper Perabo, a see-through mess that bunched up in front of her crotch.

If I had to find a theme for this year’s show, I would say it was all about the love between George Clooney and Brad Pitt, two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else. When  George  comes out of the closet, the drinks are on me!

The other day, when I saw this picture in a magazine, I asked my husband, “What do you think of Madonna’s arms?” His reply was something like “I don’t think anything about her arms.”

In his defense, he was driving and I was looking at a magazine. But he refused to discuss Madonna’s arms, as though it was beneath him to even talk about it. I tried to explain that Madonna’s arms weren’t just arms; they were big muscular man-arms.

He starting getting really pissed off and shouted “Look, I don’t have an opinion oh her arms. I don’t hate her like you do, okay?”

Well, not okay, actually. Isn’t this so like a man?   My feeling is, If you don’t have an opinion, FORM ONE! The good lord gave you the faculties of eyesight and cognitive awareness, so it’s not too much to ask for you to have a fucking opinion!

My opinion is that those arms are not necessary unless she is going into professional bodybuilding or construction work. As a former weight-lifter I can tell you that those arms are no accident. You need to lift very heavy weights to develop such big arms, and you need to do it at least 3 times a week. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Madge was taking just a pinch of steroids, or maybe she’s just a High Testosterone Girl as well as a Material one.

Are Madonna’s arms bigger than your boyfriend’s? Do they make you mad? Let me know, unless you’re too manly to discuss it.