Designed to appear like it’s been sliced from the top of your favorite jeans, this faded blue version has frayed edges and exposed pockets. It looks even cooler with a slim leather strap over the top.

I’d say it’s not “designed to appear” like the top of some jeans, but actually IS the top of some jeans. Should we run out to Goodwill and buy some jeans for $9 and cut off the  top?? We would be saving $441!  Here’s how to wear it:

See how cute??

What couldn’t you wear this with, you know? Imagine transforming a dress or coat with this Denim Waist Belt. Or, if you have no imagination, you might just wear it over the same brand’s Distressed Oversized Jeans:

Made in Italy from rigid denim, they have an intentionally baggy, oversized fit and are shredded through the front for a ’90s grunge feel.

After 50 million versions of shredded jeans, they still expect us to bite? At $675? You could just get these on a sale rack at Sears. Together, these two “pieces” would cost over $1,000. I like their chutzpah at Unravel Project. Good for them.

These look fresh for spring, because ruffles:

I love that they’re asymmetrical, and I can only hope they bounce around when you walk. $522.50 at Saks.

Pushing the ugly, excessive overkill aesthetic, Dolce & Gabbana brings us this:

Cotton blend denim with painted floral and leopard motif

Ew. Are they really painted? They’re nearly sold out at $1,875. Are they made with Kylie Jenner in mind or what? Is there still a segment of Eurotrash who would wear these at a club in Las Vegas? I need more information to grasp the brand’s concept here.

Finally, brought to you by Greg Lauren, our go-to guy for the truly audacious and reprehensible, a jacket:

Greg Lauren’s snorkel flight jacket is crafted of light blue heavily distressed cotton denim and trimmed at the butterfly hood with faux fur.

Haha, Greg, what’s a snorkel flight jacket? There is so much going on here, I can’t even itemize the features that add up to $3,125 worth of eyesore.  But I’ll try.

Fading. Paint splatter. Bleach stains. Holes. Rip details. Button-and-loop storm placket. Butterfly hood with faux-fur trim. Rib cuffs with chewed edges. Fake blanket lining. A shitload of buttons or rivets or whatever they are.

The rear-view is a nice coda:

BAM!

You can get this on sale at Barneys if you hurry.

Do you watch those adds for 23 and Me and think, Gee, I should really do this because it would be fascinating to learn more about me?

Same here! I’m so interested in my DNA because I know I’m special. My ancestors are probably special too. My grandparents were all Jews from Eastern Europe but my DNA will probably show that I’m descended from Queen Nefertiti and The Romanov family. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that Albert Einstein is my 11th cousin!

I’ve often wondered how I got to be me. It can’t just be some shit about my crazy parents and my early childhood trauma. The story of Me is so much more complicated and goes so far back! It’s not about my parents’ divorce or my mom’s psychiatric profile! The wonder of me started millions of years ago in the swampy brine of our prehistoric planet. That’s where the real answers are.

23 and Me can show me my traits, a whole list of them, because I have never really met myself and thus need to see my traits printed out. Here’s what I can learn from a swab of my saliva:

So fascinating! I’ve often wondered about my earwax type, or rather my genetic propensity toward a certain earwax type. Not to mention my photic sneeze reflex. I don’t think I have red hair, but I want to be sure. And I’d like to know where I stand on my toe length ratio. Because then, I don’t know, I’ll just feel more familiar with my feet.

I want to find out when the depression got into my genetic code. Hundreds of years ago or what? And why do I have so many fillings and crowns on my teeth? What if my sensitivity to smell is inherited?!?!? Then, when I walk into a house and smell a gas leak, I can shout “I smell gas and my ancestors did too!”

Also, what about my-nearsightedness? I know my parents were near-sighted but it must be a long and fascinating tale that didn’t begin with us. There’s just so much I’m curious about!

Being me has always been kind of meh. “Who the fuck are you” I have asked my self bitterly, with no clear answer. I’m not just a bunch of misfiring neurons, godammit. I am amazing! With a long long history of amazingness.

I have wasted so much time reading the classics, reading shit about philosophy, psychology, art, culture, politics, without learning anything about Me and how I came to have freckles when I was a kid.

What a dope I am. Don’t be like me, be You! 23 and Me is running a special for Mother’s Day. Find out why you’re so amazing RIGHT NOW, at 20% off.