Oh god, Will and Jada Smith, just go away. Boo hoo about Jada’s hair loss! Let her deal with osteoporosis, which I am blessed with, and my husband doesn’t need to slap anyone. Let her and her whole crazy family shut up about their personal dramas! Who gives a shit? Best performance of Toxic Masculinity by a big baby. Thank you, next.

Okay, back to business.

Aren’t you relived that Nicole Kidman didn’t win?? Her dress with that donut-peplum thing was awful, and she needs to start eating. Jessica Chastain seemed like a nice person, didn’t she? Her dress looked like a Disney cartoon princess, which was kind of poignant, but really the best thing about her is that her adorable nose is the result of plastic surgery.Yay! I saw the original nose somewhere on Instagram.

Megan Thee Stallion was a “nice” surprise, just like, or rather not anything like, Liza Minnelli. All the red dresses cancelled each other out, didn’t they? The only good one was the trouser outfit worn by the joyfully queer Ariana DeBose. Black dresses were in short supply for some reason, but Billie Eilish‘s dress was a monstrosity by any standards. Good for her! She likes to get a reaction and I hope she’s satisfied with EW! and WHY??

Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a black Schiaparelli that looked like a chest of drawers, the better to shield Jake from questions about Taylor’s scarf.

Kristen Stewart was super hot in her shorts and unbuttoned shirt, let’s admit it. Her bad-girl thing is still going strong and I want it to never stop. Likewise, boy-toy Timothee Chalamet was fetching in his Luis Vuitton women’s jacket and bare chest. What a darling little person he is. I also loved Wesley Snipes in a nutty, Pimptastic satin shorts suit with matching leggings.

Best outfit for my money was a floral suit worn by Encanto director Byron Howard. It was so wonderful! Where is the fuss about it??? Who made it? Can I borrow it? I’m still looking for pictures and info. Second best was an amazing dress printed with Renaissance angels, worn by Eva von Bahr, along with a Greek bust handbag.

WAIT, I almost forgot to mention Beyonce! Her musical number was a baffling Busby Berkley type extravaganza with a million women all wearing yellow-green dresses that did not distract from the song’s essential nothingness. I kept wondering how many starving people could have been fed with the money that went into this enterprise. Come @ me, Black women, I know it’s a racist sin to not appreciate Bey, and I’ve already heard from several irate nutcases on this subject.

In fact, I’d like to see Beyonce slap Jada, or vice versa, in keeping with the new Twitter game of imagining offbeat slapping scenarios.

Who would you like to see slapped, and by whom? Weigh in! And what did I leave out?

Did you know that a Senate rule was changed JUST FOR KYRSTEN, that allowed her to show her bare arms on the senate floor? Kyrsten is a triathlete, so she needs to show them. I’m not making this up; Amy Klobuchar helped pass the new rule on this basis.

Would it be a cheap shot to denigrate those arms? Or to say that she’s no Michelle Obama, armwise? Fine. I won’t say it.

Ordinarily, it would be wrong to judge political figures based on their clothing choices, but Kyrsten is demanding that we react. With the denim vest, she is openly trolling us. She is saying, “You think I’m a piece of work? Ha, try THIS!” So if she’s failed to capture one single person’s attention, now she has it.

This bitch is a mean one. Why won’t she let us move ahead…she doesn’t live in a coal state for fucksake. The Dems are wringing their hands about her but it’s not like she was a Trojan Horse. Look at the red flags!

Here she is at her swearing in.

She is clearly a Dom. She will hurt you. She wants to hurt you.

Here she is…I don’t know, you tell me.

Below, at the impeachment hearing. Caped crusader? Flying nun? Mighty Mouse?

More recently, at a couple of infrastructure meetings, she turns to florals, as if saying, “Fuck you all, next time I’ma wear pj’s.”

In case anyone is thinking sexism, no. Jim “gymnasium” Jordan is another outfit troll and he too is either a Cunt or a Nutcase. Cunt, actually. If a man pursued attention via wacky get-ups as strenuously as Sinema does, we would ridicule him as well. In fact, I’d love to see some guy try it. (calling Lindsey!)

Once a member of the Green party, Sinema was ranked by GovTrack.us, (a nonpartisan organization that tracks government data and statistics) 47th on a conservative-to-liberal scale, which is based on lawmakers’ 2019 legislative records. Her response? Her decisions are “based on what’s right for Arizona, not on party politics.” She is to the right of Mitch McConnell! Jesus Christ with this woman! I can’t even can’t.

Okay, Cunt or Nutcase, you decide. And enjoy her hair flipping below.

Every day I get a million emails from shopping sites, promoting the newest looks. They want me to know what’s trending. They still challenge me to “up my game.” Who are they kidding?

Please. Does anyone want new clothes? I don’t get how the high end companies still exist. Why are they bothering us with “the new season”? Seasons are over. It’s either hot or cold. You either add or remove your sweater.

Now we’re asked to feel sorry for the fashion industry…one of the industries most responsible for pollution after fuel. The arguments are: If you put on a nice outfit, you’ll feel better about yourself! Or, fashion is still an important way to express yourself! Or, fashion brings joy into our lives!

Someone is still trying to up their game, because someone seems to be purchasing leather culottes. Every brand has them. But who wants to stick to the couch while you’re watching Your Shows??

So awful and tragic, at every price point.

I follow two fashion influencers on Instagram and I’ve already annoyed one by criticizing his Gucci ad. It’s his livelihood to look privileged, so I get that. But the inequities of the world are now too blatant to justify $900 sneakers. Maybe if we’re ever allowed out again, people with those sneakers will be ostracized. Or burned at the stake.

Where I live, people dress for  comfort, i.e. we are slobs. It’s a very working class neighborhood. Elsewhere in L.A., maybe people are doing their Starbucks run in leather culottes but I doubt it. It’s too hot and there’s nowhere to go. Looking ahead, there will be places to go but people will be too germ-phobic and worn out to give a shit about impressing each other.

Some things just feel over, permanently, and in some cases good riddance. People may want to argue that everything is coming back and things will be the same as before, but I disagree.

When I was young, women wore girdles and pantyhose. It was just a normal part of getting dressed to go to work. Now, this seems dumb, because it is.  Women with straight hair used to get perms! Ew, remember? Men used to smoke pipes! Just as those aspects of daily life have worn out their welcome, so will the idea of tirelessly adding new clothes, handbags and shoes when your closets and drawers are already full.

You can exhibit your style with the stuff you already have. Or you can decide that superficial shit is a waste of energy in this age of horror. After 9/11, New Yorker’s realized that footwear should accommodate running for your life.

Fashion is an anachronism. Let it die.

What about dining out? The concept already seems weird to me! It’s no fun to eat around strangers who might infect you with something. A couple of years ago, I offered my CBD vape thing to a girl sitting next to me on a flight to London. We got a little high together and she told me about her affair with a colleague. That won’t be happening again. Thanks to that cunt in the White House, we can’t fly to London.

Here’s where we can still go:

Albania
Dominican Republic
Kosovo
Maldives
Mexico
North Macedonia
Serbia
Tunisia
Turkey

What, no Belarus??

Other countries will take us but with restrictions.

What other things do you think are over for good? On the bright side, I have started reading novels again, so I could use recommendations.

Also, I now write songs in my head, usually in rhyming verses. Here’s my latest:

I don’t want to die of Covid, not that I’m afraid of death
I don’t want to die of cancer, dying in your bed is best

I don’t want to die of Covid, that’s not how I want to go
I don’t want a ventilator, if they ask me, I’ll say no.

Try singing that in your head and tell me that isn’t fun!

Mid-rise. Four-pocket styling. Single cropped leg. Zip-fly. Partially lined. Tonal hardware.

“Single cropped leg.” Roger that. No explanation necessary! Here’s another view:

So good.  All eyes will be on you, hopefully. It’s a casual look, and quite breezy on the one leg, but you can upgrade for a more formal look by getting the nicely proportioned matching jacket.

For some reason, I think the trousers would be better for a one-legged person, don’t you? Instead of leaving that poor exposed leg to just hang there so vulnerably, a one-legged person would look great, without having to to take it to a tailor. I feel the same way about the popular one-armed look in dresses and tops. I just don’t feel good about the bared limb.

Let’s say you’re Dan Cooper, a guy who is currently featured on a reality show in the UK, living in a house with 4 other “extraordinary” people. Evidently, viewers don’t have much sympathy for Dan, who had his leg chopped off in order to feel “whole.”

Dan has BIID, and suffered for many years with the affliction of having one too many legs. Interestingly, this appears to be an extremely British disorder. There’s a great documentary somewhere that spends time with a few of these guys and they are all British. A Scottish surgeon got in trouble for amputating healthy legs, even though he was just trying to prevent his patients from seeking a potentially life-threatening back alley solution to their being bipeds.

Be that as it may! Dan is now a TV personality and people will just have to learn to accept him. Thank god that fucking leg isn’t tormenting him any more. But how good would he look in those mid-rise, partially lined pants at Ssense?

I’m just saying.

Last night, I was watching Billions with my husband, and was moved to exclaim, “I had no idea I was capable of so much hate!” He laughed, because he has never doubted my capacity. It’s like I’m listening to the character called “Wags” and expending all my hatred on him when suddenly there is that guy who plays whatshisname’s father, and my well of hatred instantly fills up again, ready for action.

It is easily the worst show on cable TV, and we watch it in order to squirm with perverse pleasure at the horrible pseudo-hip dialogue and rabid overacting. But Billions is not my subject right now. Instead, I’d like to address the growing problem (ie., my hatred) of Old Lady Fashion Influencers.

The most formidable of these appears to be Accidental Icon, who insists that she is “freaking cool”despite all evidence to the contrary. I’ll bet she is hopping mad about the newbie imitators wearing big black sunglasses and aggressive white bobs. A friend alerted me to Grece Ghanem, who has “worked her way up from influencer to style icon,” according to Who What Wear. She is 54 but looks ten years older. Revealing her style plan for 2019, she says this:

Goodbye to miniskirts and flat ballerinas. You will also see me sport [fewer] ruffles and all-sheer looks. I am highlighting a more modern silhouette in 2019. I am ready to hang my oversize, padded jackets with the strong shoulders and adopt a softer figure for the New Year.

Jesus Christ, I should hope it’s goodbye to miniskirts!

Checking her out on Instagram, I was rewarded by a montage of annoying fashion looks dominated by Gucci, Celine, and the usual suspects. Grece is a personal trainer so she likes to show off her arms. She also likes to wear those huge white sneakers, which makes me feel sad for her. But then, I saw her wearing a leather biker jacket and my whole world fell apart. I will never be able to feel good wearing a leather biker jacket, thanks to this old bag.

I complained about this to my sister, who said, “If you stop wearing leather jackets, you are giving her too much power. DON’T LET HER WIN!” My sister has become a wise village elder in my life, and not a moment too soon! I will wear my jackets, because I am a proud anti-terrorist, but it won’t be without a frisson of shame.

At least Grece doesn’t seem too self-important like the Accidental Icon, who complains about being marginalized as a senior blogger. Boo-hoo! That’s what you get for letting your hair go white! She is one obnoxious old lady. The last time I looked at her, she seemed obsessed with Rick Owens. But now she’s in a scary ad for Go Daddy!

Oh my god, why is this happening??

Can’t we just be old ladies for fucksake!

Do you think I should start marketing myself as Deliberate Icon? Or maybe Fuck You, I’m Almost Dead?

My style is so nothing, and yet it is so distinctively Me! Jeans and t shirts and sweaters, with enormous size 10 shoes. I ignore fashion rules, except for the ones about not looking stupid, and Mutton Dressed as Lamb. I like to feel comfortable. I like stuff to fit normally. I am not freaking cool, but I’m Hot AF. How do I capitalize on this??

Want to see more old bags? Here.

Like every fashion-conscious consumer, I spend time every day scrolling through the latest arrivals at Matches, Net-a-Porter, ssense, Neiman Marcus, LL-CC and websites I’m too embarrassed to mention.  I consider the scrolling a duty, and a big success if I don’t want anything.

The trends I’m seeing lately fall into four categories. Logomania is by far the most offensive. We expect declarative logos from Gucci and Chanel, but now they’re everywhere, on everything. Fendi has gone all out, with it’s logo defacing nearly every item. Those Fendi F’s were never exactly eye candy; now they’re a genuine blight.

Balenciaga, Lowe, Off-White, Kenzo, Helmut Lang, Martine Rose, Valentino, Vetements, even the famously nondescript A.P.C. is getting in on this. You won’t have to wait till next year for people to feel sorry for you if you invest now in an ugly Balenciaga bag with the word BALENCIAGA slapped across it in block letters.

Remember how at one point, we all agreed it was stupid to be a human billboard for brands? Sports brands were the exception, like Adidas crowns and stripes. Fashionable people shunned logos as vulgar, while the aspirational (i.e., middle class) shopper continued to long for a real or fake Louis Vuitton bag to prove their social standing and discretionary income.

Today, according to Emily Gordon-Smith, head of fashion at research consultancy Stylus, the key word behind the Logomania craze is “irreverence.” She thinks that people who buy into this trend are doing it ironically. On the other hand, designer Martine Rose insists her use of logos is “post-ironic.” Whatever the excuse is, this trend needs to stop. I think I speak for every non-It-Girl when I say that if I need to know what brand you’re wearing, I’ll ask you.

Also having a long moment is the Sisterwife look, sometimes described as a “prairie” look by style editors trying to persuade you to buy cowboy boots. High necks, long skirts, and ruffles add up to a self-conscious schoolmarm effect that would be cute at a butter-churning party but has no place on a city street. I mean, fine, it’s your choice, but it’s the opposite of chic, if that matters to you.  Just take it away for fucksake!

Saint Laurent is pushing its signature prostitute look, but even more aggressively than usual in its leather hotpants worn with thigh-high boots. Attico is climbing on board the hooker wagon with some feathered mini dresses that barely cover the butt. Balmain is sticking with garish leopard print and sequined mini’s whose plunging necklines drive home the sex-for-sale aesthetic. Even Christopher Kane has succumbed with trashy-looking velvet mini’s for evening-wear.

Finally, we have those big shaggy coats that keep coming back to haunt us, but this year it’s less groupie than Bigfoot. “Fun” colors and raggedy textures seem to be saying, “Just kidding!” and to signify faux fur to the vegans among us. But some brands are sticking with fur, like oversized shearling jackets with quirky buttons or trimmings to counter the old-school glamour of  wearing dead animals. Look for Givenchy‘s “voluminous” chevron-pattern fake fur to be knocked off by Topshop et al. in the next ten minutes.

Other trends like menswear suits and plaid mash-ups will be asserting themselves, and luxury brand street-wear will be ever-present until someone makes it illegal, but the four fads I’ve focused on are the ones to avoid (or indulge in, as the case may be) as you consider your style options. Remember: More is more except when it’s already too much.

Could anything be more stupid? It’s the Sacai Faux Fur-Trim Denim & Blazer Jacket. It’s two mints in one!

This amalgamated piece is dichotomous in design and aesthetic. Tailored on one side with the blazer and edgy on the other with denim, this piece is finished with a glamorous faux fur collar.

I guess it is dichotomous.

I would rather think of it as amphibian. Why is Sacai doing this to us? Why is the size small sold out? Where do we go from here? Is there a way to make it a trilogy, like adding a flapping sweater sleeve somewhere?

I can’t even with this one.

Let’s say you’re going out and you put on a long coat. You know how you always wish that somehow people could see through it? Even if it was just a window to show your waist and hips? This denim coat by Bless is the answer!!! A vinyl section all around the middle will make you glad you skipped breakfast and lunch. $1,050 and available only in size small.

For warmer weather, how about some shorts?

Why wear regular denim cut-offs when for just a bit more money, you can get a pair of shorts that have been chewed by teething babies in Sri Lanka? All your friends will think you’ve had these for years and years, and they will fucking love you for it.  $365 by R13.

Boots are really In now, especially high ones.

Don’t laugh.

These Balmain boots cost $2,950 even if they look like something you would turn down for $20 at Prostitutes ‘R Us. They have all the bells and whistles, including the sexy and practical open-toe. Pleeeeeeeeease get them, somebody.

How great would it be to wear the boots with this skirt???

Why choose between denim and leather when you can have both? Alexander Wang is so desperate, I mean inventive, that he’s created a hybrid for just $995. Size large and X-large are sold out,  because who could rock this better than a full figured gal?

I know you’d rather have an Oscars Exegesis but I don’t want to think about it tonight. I will get to it, and the key word will be *intersectional*.

There is no joy like the joy of awful denim, so let me joy in peace, alright?

Calvin Klein 205W39NYC evoked modern Americana in its SS18 collection which included this black sleeveless top. It’s made from high-shine nylon and finished with a ruffle-trimmed drawstring neck. Tuck it into the label’s corresponding skirt for a look with directional flair.

Thank you, Raf Simons, for bringing the trash bag to its natural conclusion, we salute your genius!  Here it is with a skirt:

The Vetements guys must be furious.

Any styling tips, fashionistas?

There’s always an element of surprise that comes with Sacai’s signature cut-and-paste technique – nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems. Take this denim jacket for example, which can be transformed from classic to statement-making in seconds. It’s been skilfully made in Japan and is detailed with zipped panels along the sleeves that can be unfastened to create a cool cape-effect silhouette.

It’s hard to argue with the “element of surprise,” as in “Oh my god, what the fuck is going on with this jacket!” Is it trying to look like a manta ray or a vagina?

What do they mean it  can be “transformed from classic to statement making“? How do you get this thing to look classic? Maybe it looks classic to a sea creature or in a parallel universe.

Let’s try the rear view:

Less disturbing from the back, it gives the impression of an accident, like something ripped open. Looking like you’ve been in an accident is probably a good conversation-starter. I don’t know. I feel sorry for that naked vulnerable arm.

$850 dollars feels just right, doesn’t it? But hurry, it’s low in stock.