Before you complain about the $13,776 price tag, consider the close-up view of this vest:

“Take your ___  cues from ___  and wear this  ___  style with  ____ attitude – think  ___  pants  and  ____  heels.”

Replace the missing words (the ones I found most irritating) with better ones!

P.S. My size is sold out.

Today, I went to Beverly Hills with the BFF and she had to hiss “Cher!” at me before I noticed Cher standing right by us in the Neiman Marcus shoe department! I turned to gawk at Cher, who looked just like herself only much smaller. She is actually quite tiny, in height and weight. She said to her assistant/handmaiden something like, “It’s really cute, isn’t it?” and her voice was EXACTLY like her voice!

I was so excited that I couldn’t stop staring. My BFF wanted me to stop, but I didn’t care. I wanted to take in every element: The black cargo pants with a million zippers, the long blue-black hair, the sunglasses that she never took off. When Cher sat down and removed her jacket to reveal a tight black bodysuit, I squealed, “Oooh, look at the implants!”

My BFF managed to move me along and we went upstairs, only to find Cher in the same place 30 minutes later. Her assistant/handmaiden was helping her to try on jackets, which she held open for Cher like an attentive date.

We tried on sunglasses while I kept an eye on Cher. I modeled a pair of sunglasses by some stupid brand I’ve never heard of, that the salesgirls were pushing aggressively. “Aren’t these glorious!” I exclaimed a little too loudly, raising the eyebrows of a gay guy who clearly didn’t agree. Everyone tried to persuade me that another pair was more flattering but I was fixated on the glorious ones.

Meanwhile, Cher was strutting around in the new Olive green Balmain military jacket.

It looked preposterous on her but she seemed quite taken with it. I turned to the salesgirls and squealed, “Look! Cher is trying on the Balmain jacket!” They nodded and the gay guy confided, “She likes Balmain.” I complained to the BFF that Cher should leave that jacket to the girl whose boyfriend hits her. It took a while before she retrieved the word, “Rihanna.”

I bought the glorious sunglasses with ny NM charge card, meaning they were free! Don’t tell my husband.

Then, we walked down the street to Saks. A frightening, giant Nordic woman showed me some awful new lipstick by Guerlain, and the BFF bought a sexy bustier by Camilla and Marc. We relaxed in the Saks cafe, where I ate an apple tart that cost $9 and started to realize that the sunglasses were a tragic mistake.

But at least I saw Cher!

…who buys this crocodile “tail coat” jacket by Balmain, for $74,000.   Who will it be? Beyonce? Rihanna?

Someone will turn up wearing this, right? It’s fierce, killing it, bla bla bla.

Look at this bingo card I made here.   If you’re looking at a fashion website or blog and you see any 5 words in a row, you can yell “BINGO!”

God almighty, it just gets worse. I came across this tragic t-shirt at Ben Sherman (where I went after seeing some Ben Sherman trousers somewhere else, after spending what seemed like five hours of frenzied searching for the shoes I vowed not to buy.*)

Who actually started this military/marching band trend?   Was it Balmain, or was it Philip Lim? I see no end of it in the forseeable future. And I plan to make the most of it! I am going to savor every minute as the look makes its way to Forever 21 and Walmart.

Fashion trends seem more and more desperate. Just a few short years ago, I tried to sell an elaborately beaded Balmain suit on eBay, and I ended up getting $30 for it. I couldn’t understand why people weren’t dying to own it! It was fucking Balmain! But no one seemed aware of Balmain except for me and the old lady who manages the thrift-shop where I bought it.

Now that actress/disloyal label-whore Jennifer Connelly has dropped Balenciaga for Balmain, the whole thing has clearly jumped the shark. Don’t feel hurt, Balenciaga! Jennifer Connelly wasn’t even loyal to her own nose!**   Or to eating!

* Don’t worry, I didn’t buy the shoes.

** For more exciting celebrity plastic surgery, go here.

You don’t need to spend $11,400 on that stupid Balmain military jacket!   Why not look stupid for only $39.99 in this fancy gold-trimmed Michael Jackson Costume?!

You’re welcome!