When I saw an ad on Sephora online for a “Booty Mask“, I was excited by discovering a  new avenue of ridicule. Haha, I thought, how absurd, a beauty mask JUST FOR YOUR BUTT! I’m still amazed by the aisles full of weird Korean sheet masks at my local CVS. It seeks like overnight, people have become obsessed with masks. In my world, skin masks are something you do maybe every six months when you’re bored and nothing’s on TV.

Silly me! I went to laugh at the website for B-tight Booty Mask, because little did I know that butt products already comprise a whole category of creams and scrubs and masks that promise you a smaller, bigger, smoother, better smelling, tighter, and more voluminous ass.

Think about your butt and everything it has to go through every day. invest in your booty skin, Don’t leave your booty behind! 100% Safe & Effective. Increases Skin Firmness. Helps Reduce Cellulite. Tightens The Skin.

Do I really have to think about my butt more than I already do? As the daughter of a full-throated misogynist who liked to shout about random women, “Look at the fat ass on that one!” I am more than aware of my butt, and not in a good way. After 27 years of marriage, I still try to walk out of the room backward if I’m undressed.  I couldn’t put into words what the flaw is; I just know that my butt’s very existence is an offense of some kind.

And yet I am not prepared to buy any butt products. The language employed to describe these products is itself a crime against humanity. Here’s part of a review on Refinery29:

To my surprise, mirrors weren’t necessary — although I did literally “look back at it” twice while lying on my stomach just to make sure my entire bum was covered, adding more product as needed. Once satisfied with the pink-tinted mounds behind me, I did as instructed and scrolled Instagram for 20 minutes while it hardened.

“Pink-tinted mounds”?! SOMEONE NEEDS TO DIE.

Then there’s the actual names of the products, like “Tush” (“plumping and lifting infusers for the tush,” $175) and even worse, “That booty tho.” How could anyone name a product that, unless they’re trying to kill me personally?? I guess I should be grateful they didn’t go with “Dat”.

Who’d like to try a Bamboo Charcoal Butt Cheek Mask? This one you use after the Butt Cheek Cleanser, and it offers:

the added benefit of brightening age spots, sun spots and hyper-pigmentation. Ingredients include MSM and Vitamin C, which make the complexion look clearer and more radiant with each use.

Your butt has a complexion that needs to be radiant?? Is there enough time in the day to beautify every body part? I know there’s an overnight mask for your feet that promises to give you smooth, baby-soft feet. Maybe wee all need to be babies again. Soft and new, devoid of pores and age-spots, spitting up milk but still preferable to something that’s been around for awhile, accumulating age spots.

But wait, I just found Rump Bottom Rub by Lush, and the comments almost make it all worthwhile!

Ladies and other people with butts, are you ready to invest in the dream of a bigger, smaller, tighter, more radiant ass? Until they make one with my father’s voice screaming out of his car window, I am abstaining.

I confided to my psychiatrist that I’m obsessed  with  the nuclear reactor crisis in Japan and that I’ll be disappointed when they get it under control. I was shocked when he said he felt the same. “Of course.” he agreed, “We all crave this drama, it’s great. It lets us externalize all our feelings of anger and chaos.”   We both agreed that we weren’t actually hoping for something apocalyptic, although I am personally ready for the world to end.

A better way to distract myself has been tumblr, where I can scroll through images for hours.   I’ve learned to avoid the ones with the aggressively  teen-aged  nihilism: All those morbid photos of skinny kids with septum rings and animated gifs from horror films and topless hippies with guns in their mouths.

There is so much beauty out there. Visual stimulation excites some pleasure center in the brain, like eating chocolate or listening to an aria. Tonight my tumbler stopped working and it was horrifying to be cut off from my new addiction.   I have a lot of avoidance to accomplish. Max’s birthday is coming up at the end of the month.

Can we distract ourselves from everything serious with a focus on beauty products? I’ve always found them comforting, their promise of transforming us from ugly ducklings into  flawless  supermodels. Okay, so, what is your favorite beauty product that has surprised you by actually doing something good? I really want to know (remember: I’m desperate,)

My favorite product is Kate Sommerville Sunblock 55.   It’s light, greaseless, no fragrance, and leaves a dewy glow.   You don’t have to wear make up and you don’t have to get skin cancer.   I prosthelytize about it to  everyone.

Okay, what’s yours?