Whenever I need to learn something new, I turn to Susan. If it’s cool, she knows about it. She introduced me to photographer Jennifer Tzar, whose photos tend to have an air of otherworldy nostalgia. This girl with the purple hive is exactly who I want to be!

I now realize that I’ve snagged lots of pictures of Girls I Want To Be. Here’s another one.

She’s wearing a skirt I’ve seen on Amanda Palmer, and god know I’d like to be Amanda Palmer! This next one is in the same ballpark, but with Natalia Brilli accessories.

Now, this one is a little scary but she’s still a Girl I Want to Be (wearing accessories by Manuel Albarran.)

The saddest thing ever is that I’ve always wanted to be blond, even though my BFF’s wig proved beyond a doubt that god didn’t make me blond for a good reason:

Aaaaaah!   So, now the trick is to remember that I’m not 20.   Yesterday, while not considering this key fact, I flipped out over these blue sequin pants….but luckily I remembered this morning, when I saw them again for $100 less.   Be gone, sequin pants, and don’t slam the door on your way out!

At least I can sort of approximate Patti Smith in my Ann Demeulemeester jacket.

It’s good to be satisfied with who you are and what you look like, probably. But wouldn’t a purple beehive be fucking fantastic?!

See this fabulous beehive? This is what I’d like to take to the bank so that I might accept this gracious invitation from Opening Ceremony:

But no, the bank won’t send me to Paris. Fuckers. Why? Because they don’t want me to look at Chloe Sevigny‘s latest shit, or even Erin “Homeless” Wasson’s! There is no justice in this world, as I had already suspected.

Next, that fucking Octomom is driving me insane. Is there no end to this?! Her lips are even bigger now, on the verge of exploding. Go here and watch her argue with her mother. The sound of her voice is maddening. Quick reader poll here: What’s worse, her face or her voice?

Third, the boyfriend jean has now spawned the ex-boyfriend jean. This is an incredible development that signals the coming apocalypse.

How do you tell the difference? Will there be an ex-husband style, too? God, I can’t stand the ripped jeans thing. We baby boomers have already been there, done that, or at least sneered at the people who did.

Finally, summing up tonight’s complaints are these crazy new pants that I think are pretty awesome (and not in a homeless way) but can no longer afford.

Do you love them or do you love them?! Imagine them with a beehive! Waaaah!

I could shop my closet forever without finding these Kirrily Johnston pants. They’re so epic, right? Well, there you have it. I was planning to complain about porn too but I’m already too mad to think clearly. If you want to read some idiots trying to decide if porn is art, go here.

I have barely come down from the high of Obama’s acceptance speech, only to learn that McCain’s choice for Vice President is a busty chick with a huge beehive who used to smoke pot and doesn’t hate gays. Governor Sarah Palin has the Sexy Librarian look that we’ve all come to appreciate, and she’s certainly a ‘fresh face’ in national politics.

But I’m sorry, a great ‘hive alone isn’t enough to get by on. Just ask Amy.   Sarah Palin is the anti-Amy, and not in a good way. In high school, she was head of her school’s Christian Fellowship of Athletes. She’s a “pro-life” activist who is skeptical about global warming and wants to prevent polar bears from being protected as an endangered species.

She is also a strong proponent for oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, which even McCain has opposed. She is under investigation for abuse of power in the firing of her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper. She fired the Public Safety Commissioner who balked at firing the ex-brother-in-law, and replaced him with an official who had already been reprimanded for sexual harassment.

Sarah Palin is clearly an ambitious and capable woman, but I’d like to see her stay in Alaska and ruin things there, rather than help John McCain ruin what’s left of the whole world.

Earlier this year, She was brave and noble enough to bring a child with Down Syndrome into the world, but here are my problems with that:

1. She named him Trig. (Her other kids are named Bristol, Willow, Piper and Track)
2. She returned to her office 3 days after Trig’s birth.

Are any of you good with this? I’m saying Yes on Trig, but No on His Mom.