Fuck!

Just like you, I’m filled with dread about everything but it would be wrong to overlook these boots. I mean, Jesus Christ. They are Hawaiian Printed Ankle Half Cowboy Boots!

How can this even be?! Only R13 could have come up with this, and then ask for $1,895! Here are the listed details:

Leather: Cowhide
Studded harness detail
Boots
Chunky heel
Buckle at ankle
Pointed toe
Leather sole
Made in Italy
This item cannot be gift-boxed

“Cannot be gift-boxed” for $1,895??? I don’t think so.

And how could they forget to list SPIKES for fucksake?

If any footwear deserved to die, it is these boots. I mean half boots.

Because I’m old. O.L.D. Too old for these Union Jack boots, even though I love Union Jacks, from a graphic standpoint and because some of my happiest years were in London.

I ordered the boots in two sizes, because with free shipping and returns, who cares? When they came today, I was amazed at how much they looked like the pictures online. Even more so, actually!

I stood up for only a moment before realizing I could never walk in them. The heels are at least 6 inches high. I’m too old to get up and measure them but trust me. I thought the platforms would help but they didn’t.  I was way up in the clouds, far far away from the ground that I desperately don’t want to fall on.

I showed them to my husband before putting them back in the box. He tried not to smirk and quickly looked away.

What does he know?! I thought.

Later, he shared his epiphany about the boots: I’m just too old for them.

I’m pretty sure this is a first. We talk about aging and how we plan to continue doing it. We don’t want to be slobs and we don’t want to change our respective styles. We don’t want to be deluded assholes, though. And so far, so good.

But now I felt defensive about the stupid boots. I insisted that if only I could walk in them, I could make them “work.” I would wear them with long wide jeans, and only the toes would show. IT WOULD BE A POP OF FUCKING COLOR, ALRIGHT?

He was dubious and I took it as a vote of no-confidence in my taste and self-awareness. Like I might suddenly wear black lipstick and a mini-dress with a lampshade on my head. Like I don’t know what I’m doing.

Or do I?

Tell me the truth: Are the boots a sign of senility or a grave miscalculation? Or both or neither? Don’t hold back.

Years ago, I posed in these big black boots, aware that they looked stupid with the dress but probably thinking I was cool anyway.

It was eight years ago and a whole other life.

The boots are in my closet, languishing with all the other shit I’ve wasted money on, always forgetting that I don’t like to get dressed up and I have nowhere to go. Each time I get out my credit card, I’m under a spell where I believe I’m someone else.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ve worn the boots on two occasions. They cost around 950 bucks (I know!) so that’s $475 per use.

But wait.

Today, I clicked on the Maison Margiela Autumn 2016 collection and discovered that there’s hope for styling my boots after all.

I can wear them with a big upside-down orange coat-blanket thing, cinched at the waist with an uncomfortable belt! I even have the pasty white legs for this look.

Or, there’s this:

Okay, so a silver hooded cape (unless that’s a hat?) over a silver mini-dress  with a nice kangaroo pouch.

It’s good to switch things up, I’m always hearing. Why wear jeans and a t-shirt every day? I’m not getting any younger. Even if I’m just going out for coffee or groceries, there’s no reason not to throw on an upside-down coat and rock my huge boots.

Another idea is to forget about the boots and patiently wait to die so that some girl with size ten feet and an appreciation of offbeat overpriced crap can be the happiest person ever.

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“A studded metallic heel elevates a beautifully embroidered silhouette in soft Italian fabric.”

At $3895.00, these Dolce & Gabanna boots are a great deal. They are made of spandex, nylon and virgin wool, but lined in leather! Oooooh, right?

Look at all that crap sewn onto the fabric! It must have taken some half-blind old Italian lady a long time to accomplish this. Or maybe it was a poor little bambina who has to support her large family of immigrants. Whatever.

At nearly $4,000, these boots might seem like an obscenity; but I once paid $900 at Barney’s for a pair of boots I have now worn exactly twice and may not wear again. So, for many women, even Sea of Shoes and her ilk, the price here is no big deal. And that makes me feel very fucking sad and remorseful, I can promise you.

The only thing left to say about these Statement boots (besides where would you war them and what if it rained) is that they are pull-on style, meaning no zipper.

No fucking zipper? What’s their problem?

These boots by Philip Lim are my first choice.  Not only do they look like a boot giving birth to another boot (or a parasitic twin) but they have an open-toe, convenient for testing the weather.

Plus, they sag nicely in the back.  $850.00

These Fendi booties are obviously a no-brainer. Versatile, practical, what’s not to like? $1,700.00

Finally, I know these are the tiniest bit flashy, but these Christian Louboutin booties are so fierce, right? You could easily be mistaken for a real biker or punk, and how cool is that?  $1,995.000

Hahahahahahaha!

“This Brunello Cucinelli boot takes a venerable biker style on a flight of fancy. The ostrich feather flourish, however, easily detaches for versatility.”

Neiman Marcus, $1,435.00

Please forgive me Jesus, I can’t stop myself without Your help!

First, I was upset to see these $595 boots ( or rather, “kicks”) that have gotten so much press. Why does this poor girl need to spend so much on, let me quote here, “…my first piece of Alex Wang.”   “Alex??” Is that like someone buying the knock-off version by “Jeff” Campbell?

But then I am referred to an online magazine where the girl is featured in an interview and replying to the question, “What was the last thing you’ve bought?” the poor girl answers:

“A crew neck t-shirt from Obesity and Speed with ‘Choose Death’ printed on it. Can’t go wrong with that!”

Aaaah. Help me, help me, Jesus. Give me the courage, the wisdom, the serenity prayer, anything. The brand names, the goth cluelessness, no no no, take it away. Or help the poor girl to wise up.

Oooooh, I love these boots, because I love boots and because theyr’e “nude” which is So Essential this season.

But they also come in black suede with gold embossed stuff.

I want these boots. They look like I MIGHT be able to walk in them, too. But I can’t have them because of the no money thing. I can’t buy either pair. Which pair should I not buy more? The nude or the gold?

Sea has been on the road with Dad, I think to SXSW to hear some awful new bands. She got to hang out with her Asian-ish friend Ronald, but really the main event was her new boots by Maison Martin Margiela, available now at net-a-porter for $1245.00

Do we think that these boots were a free gift from Martin Margiela? Because otherwise, the shoe bill in this family for just the last month is astronomical. Oh well, what’s money, right?   In other news, Sea is super excited about being identified as a “pervert” on a fasion blog. She’s really arrived! She’s practically Madonna! It’s fun to have a naughty reputation! Plus, you can keep hoarding shoes while you cultivate the pervert thing!

I’m getting tired of Sea, to tell you the truth. I only want to keep a tab on the shoe expenditure. The story seems to have stalled, hasn’t it? I need some plot development, some forward movement. I might have to start inventing a narrative for Sea and Mom unless they can crank up the pace.

Sea doesn’t care what you think. She wants you to look at her and her expensive shoes, to hear about Ronnie and all the nice hotels she stays in, but if you have an opinion you can fucking well keep it to yourself. Or, you can leave it here. I will go first:

Dear Sea, I am losing interest in you but all is not lost. Mom’s gigantic metal beetle belt is making me think that maybe Mom is the real story here. Would you feel bad if I start making up adventures for you and Mom? I could have Carol appear at the end of each one to deliver a moral lesson. Think it over. Love, SW.   P.S. Enough with the red hair.

Several readers told me to go check out Mom of Shoes‘ new boots, so naturally I was curious enough to take a look. I left a nice comment but guess what? She deleted it! And not only that, she deleted another comment by someone else, who merely said she wasn’t crazy about the boots. Very, very sad.

Why have comments if you only print the supportive ones?!? What’s the point?

I wish I could remember my exact words! They were something like, “Don’t you worry that thigh high stiletto boots worn with fur will bring to mind hookers?” Then I added that every day, I myself have to fight off the temptation to dress like a prostitute or schoolgirl.

It’s not like I know a better way to wear thigh high boots. When I posted this photo back in October of 2008, a reader told me I looked like a drag queen.

I know Mom will be reading this, so let me just say:   Dear Mom, I was trying to be playful! You can dress like a hooker if you want! It’s better than looking like a drag queen, right? I hope you’re not mad about that awful bell-sleeved coat, because you’ll still make a bundle of money on it.   Love, SW