Dolce & Gabbana Fall 2011

My first reaction to this collection was: Give me those fucking shoes!

It’s nothing to do with trends. I can’t walk in heels and a nice pointy oxford is my holy grail.

This whole Teddy Boy pimp look is such a treat! Everything about it is good. Comfortable, androgynous, provocative and easy to adapt for any body shape. I don’t know what men think about this look but that’s not our problem!

I can’t wait for the knock-off version of these shoes. Meanwhile, I have already nailed the slipping black bra-strap and I’d even call it my Signature, along with red lipstick. If you’re too lazy to adjust your bra-strap, you too can easily achieve this slutty panache!

Another Saturday at Nordstrom, and look! It’s Faith, the Hot Nordstrom Girl! I was so happy to see her that I got the BFF to take some pictures.

Faith has an internship with a hot L.A. designer but for now, she is still at Nordstrom. You can’t see from this picture, but she was wearing the leopard print wedge clodhoppers by Jeffrey Campbell, which I correctly identified without being solicited to do so.

If I could wake up tomorrow and be twenty, I’d get a hairdo like Faith’s. If I did it now, my BFF was quick to point out, I’d just look like I had cancer.

Here, I’m wearing:   H&M jacket, Rag and Bone trousers, t-shirt from my t-shirt drawer, and tiger claw earring (ha ha for you, Shelly!)   If you want to gush about how awesome I look, please call me “Judy.” Thanks. xo

We moved on from Faith to the lingerie department, where my BFF hesitated to buy some racy stockings until I screamed   “MEN LOVE THESE!” which drew the attention of a grey-haired shopper nearby.

The BFF bought some other items, including a pair of knickers by Elle MacPherson, even though she couldn’t find the matching bra. If you knew my BFF, you’d know how unthinkable this is. She will never consider buying lingerie unless it’s a matching set. I was amazed. She explained that she could wear the knickers with a dress that didn’t require a bra underneath. Aha!

Personally, I don’t give a shit if my undergarments are a matching set. Black goes with everything; white is bad. Those are my only rules for lingerie. But I’m so nice that I spent at least half an hour online to track down the matching Elle MacPherson bra and here it is:

I may be an awful person, but I’m a really good friend.

A new shop is coming to one of my favorite malls, called Intimacy. It’s a place where “experts” will help you select a bra, because even at your age, YOU DON”T KNOW YOUR OWN BRA SIZE.

That’s right, you are too stupid to choose your own bra. Oprah changed the world overnight by devoting a whole show to this phenomenon.   I saw it at 3 in the morning, and I’ll never forget how Oprah asked one woman if she could feel her boobs.   Anyway, we all learned that we were wrong about our chest measurements, and need to size down on chest size but UP on cup size. Okay, done!

But no, we’re just total fucking morons. Luckily Intimacy is here to help.

“Our bra fitters are experienced style and fit gurus. They’re passionate about uplifting women at all stages of life.   Trained in the {Intimacy}holistic   bra-fit process, they can help you achieve the comfort, fit and shape you desire.”

But I don’t know if I want a passionate fit guru to assess my boobs.   That’s a little too personal. But wait!

“You don’t have to feel shy or embarrassed during an {Intimacy} Bra Fitting. We take utmost care to protect your privacy and to honor your feelings.”

Eeeoow! Now I REALLY don’t want this service, unless the fitters are eunuchs or doctors.   Furthermore, you need to make an appointment, although walk-ins are welcome as long as you’re willing to wait up to 2 hours for your fitting.

Go check out the website. It’s fun to take their fit quiz, where they magically calculate your REAL bra size, which in my case turns out to be a 32-C. As if! Flattery won’t get me in there to wait two hours to get felt up by a eunuch.

Ooh, here is our friend Erin at a party the other night at a shop in L.A. I love the exposed bra! I’ll bet she picked up this styling tip from a Homeless Woman! Still, she makes it her own. She brings it, even.

Does anyone know what the tattoo says?? I can’t rest until I know.

Also, Erin will be selling off her closet tomorrow at her boyfriend’s shop on Main St. in Venice. She only wants to wear her own designs from now on.   If I had a stronger constitution, I’d stake it out and take photos.

Now that that cunt Erin is copying me in the Shop My Closet department, I’ve been inspired to SLASH MY PRICES! Come on down to Sister Wolf’s Closet   by clicking on the link on the right-hand column. More good stuff is coming, too!

*credit for Wassonery goes to crocodilian. (and Amy Winehouse)