When I saw an ad on Sephora online for a “Booty Mask“, I was excited by discovering a  new avenue of ridicule. Haha, I thought, how absurd, a beauty mask JUST FOR YOUR BUTT! I’m still amazed by the aisles full of weird Korean sheet masks at my local CVS. It seeks like overnight, people have become obsessed with masks. In my world, skin masks are something you do maybe every six months when you’re bored and nothing’s on TV.

Silly me! I went to laugh at the website for B-tight Booty Mask, because little did I know that butt products already comprise a whole category of creams and scrubs and masks that promise you a smaller, bigger, smoother, better smelling, tighter, and more voluminous ass.

Think about your butt and everything it has to go through every day. invest in your booty skin, Don’t leave your booty behind! 100% Safe & Effective. Increases Skin Firmness. Helps Reduce Cellulite. Tightens The Skin.

Do I really have to think about my butt more than I already do? As the daughter of a full-throated misogynist who liked to shout about random women, “Look at the fat ass on that one!” I am more than aware of my butt, and not in a good way. After 27 years of marriage, I still try to walk out of the room backward if I’m undressed.  I couldn’t put into words what the flaw is; I just know that my butt’s very existence is an offense of some kind.

And yet I am not prepared to buy any butt products. The language employed to describe these products is itself a crime against humanity. Here’s part of a review on Refinery29:

To my surprise, mirrors weren’t necessary — although I did literally “look back at it” twice while lying on my stomach just to make sure my entire bum was covered, adding more product as needed. Once satisfied with the pink-tinted mounds behind me, I did as instructed and scrolled Instagram for 20 minutes while it hardened.

“Pink-tinted mounds”?! SOMEONE NEEDS TO DIE.

Then there’s the actual names of the products, like “Tush” (“plumping and lifting infusers for the tush,” $175) and even worse, “That booty tho.” How could anyone name a product that, unless they’re trying to kill me personally?? I guess I should be grateful they didn’t go with “Dat”.

Who’d like to try a Bamboo Charcoal Butt Cheek Mask? This one you use after the Butt Cheek Cleanser, and it offers:

the added benefit of brightening age spots, sun spots and hyper-pigmentation. Ingredients include MSM and Vitamin C, which make the complexion look clearer and more radiant with each use.

Your butt has a complexion that needs to be radiant?? Is there enough time in the day to beautify every body part? I know there’s an overnight mask for your feet that promises to give you smooth, baby-soft feet. Maybe wee all need to be babies again. Soft and new, devoid of pores and age-spots, spitting up milk but still preferable to something that’s been around for awhile, accumulating age spots.

But wait, I just found Rump Bottom Rub by Lush, and the comments almost make it all worthwhile!

Ladies and other people with butts, are you ready to invest in the dream of a bigger, smaller, tighter, more radiant ass? Until they make one with my father’s voice screaming out of his car window, I am abstaining.

Rihanna is proving to be the best source of daring, original fashion that the pop world has ever seen. She wears the coolest under-the-radar designers and puts together the best outfits, period. With her yellow fur-trimmed cloak, she has ushered in a style I will call ‘Regal Ghetto‘.

Her outfit is the work of Chinese couture designer Guo Pei and apparently took two years to create. Rihanna didn’t care about dominating the red carpet as it was cleared to accommodate the mileage of her trailing cloak. As she said about social media recently, “Do I even give a dick about that?” And she doesn’t. Not one dick.

Let it be known that I will marry Riri if she will have me.

Next up are the naked butts. J Lo, Kim Kardashian, and Beyonce all unveiled their outsized butts, hoping to grab the spotlight. Kim was SO CLOSE to winning the ‘Most Naked’ prize until Bey showed up in a few sequins, posing her butt in every angle possible from a standing position.

She is pretty damn proud of that butt. I have now looked at it so much that I just want to put a thermometer in it. Mothers, do you feel me? And don’t forget, she is a feminist.

Anyway, Bey wins ‘Most Naked’ but Kim still gets ‘Biggest Bare Butt’, as if there were any other butts in her league.

Why, Kim??? Just stop it. We can’t, okay?

For ‘Most Egregiously Horrifying’, the prize goes to Kim’s mom, Kris.

What the fuck! Surely this is deliberate. But how can this even happen? Where do you find such awful 80’s crap? Sea of Shoes‘s closet? Salvation Army? While we ponder the horror of Kris Jenner, why don’t we say what we’ve been thinking about her marriage. I’ll go first. She and Bruce don’t need a divorce; Bruce can be the woman and Kris can be the man! It’s such a no-brainer. Kris is halfway there, or at least as far along in her ‘journey’ and Bruce is in his.

Never mind, you can’t save every marriage, not if people won’t listen to reason. On to the ‘Most Tragic’ award, it was an easy win for Sarah Jessica Parker.

Should we feel sorry for her? I don’t know. Let’s not. She brought it on herself. On the other hand, she’s married to a man who won’t come out of the closet and she has to pay women to have babies for her. That part is kind of sad. Still, that fucking headpiece: criminal.

Winners in the ‘Simply Awfu’l category were Miley Cyrus, Solange Knowles, Anna Wintour Herself, that 50 Shades of Grey girl, Lady Gaga, and most surprising, Jennifer Lawrence. Maybe the Chris Martin thing is fucking up J Law’s game.

Two gorgeous Chinese actresses who put almost everyone else to shame were barely mentioned, so let’s give them their due. Gong Li is always stunning and her appearance at the Met was right on point. I could watch her movies forever, just to admire her face.

Fan Bingbing is an international red-carpet favorite who always brings it. Always. Last night she was pure ‘Ooooooooooh.’

Finally, my choice for most annoying is Amal Clooney. She is always looking around for a camera. Her bony arm must make Angelina furious. And I’m disgusted that George had to buy a castle in England to pay off his beard uppity starving wife. Just take them away.

Okay, over to you. What did I forget?

We have entered The Ass Age, and The Apocalypse is sure to follow. I would like it to hurry up.

I’m not certain about the beginning of The Ass Age. Jennifer Lopez was the precursor many years ago but no one could’ve imagined what was coming.

Astute bible students may have predicted it, though.

And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.

That’s just one of 143 times the word ‘ass’ appears in the bible. And as we know, Things Happen For A Reason. The Lord was warning us about the worship of asses. And in the fullness of time, it has come to pass.

Kim Kardashian is the Anti-Christ, obviously. We are suffering for her sins. I am, anyway.

That huge ass is following us everywhere, threatening to block out the sun. Maybe it’s causing Climate Change for all we know. It keeps getting bigger. It will need a wheelbarrow or crane or something if it keeps growing at its present rate.

What does that huge ass want from us?

It has already spawned disturbing imitators, especially in the art of hip-hop, who might be the Apostles. How many Apostles were there? I once has an awful wall-hanging depiction of The Last Supper that I used as a rug, but I failed to count the attendees. Were there eight? Ten?

Whatever. Nicki Minaj and Iggy Azalea are two, and Khloe Kardashian makes three. When we get the full cohort, the doomsday clock will strike midnight. The End Times. It will be a bummer for most of us but for others it will come as a blessed relief. No more huge asses taunting us, frightening us, swelling uncontrollably the The Blob.

We will be free.

I can’t stand it. There is no escape. It’s everywhere and it keeps coming after me. I hate it.

I need it to go away. The blank face, too.

Why has it come to this?

Explain.

I don’t like Iggy Pop, even though I’m aware of his importance to punk music. Doesn’t he sing the Passenger song? Whatever. He needs to put his shirt on but seems committed to showing off his stringy malnourished physique. Honestly, the man is an eyesore, take him away.

Whereas Australian rap artist Iggy Azalea is a goddess and my latest obsession.

I could look at her forever. The first time I saw her video ‘Work,‘ I was unsettled by its raunchiness and her snarling nasal rapping. But I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Six feet tall with a blond swath of mermaid hair and a huge booty, the sight of Iggy Azalea in skintight white pants on the David Letterman show was mesmerizing.

Would Dave be able to handle a greeting? Would her camel-toe become even more pronounced? Would she give me a shout-out by name? For some reason my husband is immune to her effect, and I’ve stopped trying to make him look at her videos.  That’s cool. He can have Iggy Pop if he wants.

Let’s look at more Iggy Azalea:

People have accused Iggy of having butt implants but I believe this butt is god-given, the better to twerk (part of her stage-act for years, she has pointed out defensively.)

I wish we could be girlfriends and talk lipstick.  Meanwhile, I will worship her from afar. And don’t argue with me until you’ve heard her rap.

I was thrilled to receive this email today, and considered it a lucky omen of some kind to be called “Lard-Desha.” Isn’t it wonderful? I’m hoping it’s not some derivation of “Lard Ass,” which would confirm my worst fears about my body.

Just today, I tried on some jeans and asked my friend if it gave me a flattering butt. I also grilled the sales assistant on Levis’ new coded jeans. “Slight curve” means a boyish shape, while “Supreme curve” means enormous hips. I think they should make an even “curvier” model and call it Lard-Desha.

What image does Lard-Desha evoke for you? A belly-dancer? A check-out girl at Target wearing huge name-plate earrings? Or this:

Maybe one day Kardashian will become a descriptive word like “gargantuan.”   Or perhaps Kim would like to change her name to Lard-Desha!

Too bad, Kim. Lard-Desha is taken now and I’m not giving it up.

When I recieved the offer of a review copy of   “Tickle My Tush” by ‘sex educator’ Dr. Sadie Allison, I complained on facebook.   I was egged on to pursue this,   so I stupidly clicked on the link I was given.   Even though I’d been warned that the book was about the “true pleasures of the under-explored seat of love.”

Oh, Dr. Sadie, why did god make you?!

Here are some testimonials for the book:

“Whether you’re solo or with a partner–your fun, safe thrill-ride starts here.”   – Charlie Glickman, PH.D., Sexuality Educator & Writer

Uh-oh. Does this mean the book tells you how to have fun with your butt when you’re ALONE???

“Dr. Sadie is an exciting, alluring and thought-provoking artist. Each of her books never cease move me to new heights, like a modern piece of art.” – Laura Henkel, PH.D., Erotic Art Appraiser & Founder Sin City Gallery

I guess Laura Henkel knows art when she sees it.   Moving along to the table of contents:

1. Butts Up?
2. Frequently Assed Questions

I will spare you any more puns. It’s just too awful. I don’t think I could read this book for $500. Moreover, I am already well  acquainted  with my ass and the asses of everyone whose ass is any of my business.

With all due respect to Dr. Sadie,   I suggest ignoring her books to the best of your ability. Instead, listen to Sister Wolf’s free advice:   Don’t stick anything up your ass that would invite mockery in an emergency room. That’s all you need to know.

These metallic pants would look great with ________________.

Sass & Bide, $561 at shopbop.

Reading an article about the rise in Ethnic Rhinoplasty, I clicked on a doctor’s name and Voila! His gallery of Buttock Augmentation before-and-after pictures is astounding!

Who even thinks of getting their butt augmented? It seems like it would be way down the list of an averagely vain person. But maybe that’ s just me. Maybe it will take the place of breast implants as the surgery of choice for insecure women.

Looking at these butts, I can’t help being amazed by the time and money and suffering invested in them. The pursuit of a round protruding ass seems nuts, but like much that is strange and offensive it does provide some compelling imagery. I’m going back to look at the Mommy Makeovers when I’m through with the butts.

Just when you forget to worry about the size of your butt, photos of famous butts rise up to remind you. Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell are both enjoying their holiday in Thailand, but only one of them has a butt worth showing off.

Kate Moss is a goddess as far as I’m concerned, but her butt speaks of long dormant months on a couch snorting coke. She has no muscle tone but plenty of cellulite.   Naomi may be a psychotic cunt, but try telling her butt that! It is perfection.

Today, I went for my first session of physical therapy post-hip injury, and I learned that my right gluteus medius muscle is now significantly weaker than my left one. If I don’t build it up through exercise, I WILL WALK FUNNY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! In fact I will have the Trendelenburg gait! As god is my witness, I don’t want the Trendelenburg gait, even more than I don’t want a sagging ass.

It’s unfair that women have to care about their asses when men get to walk around with any kind of ass. Even J Lo is being criticized for exhibiting a loss of ass-volume, as per this image from New Year’s Eve:

I would like to think that modern women are free of insecurity about their asses. I know there’s more to me than my butt. And yet…. As long as there are paparazzi around to document the fall of famous asses, I will be haunted by the worry of “How does my butt look in this?” I will feel judged by the state of my butt. It won’t matter what kind of person I am if my butt lacks merit.

First, I need to learn how to walk normally. Then, if I’m lucky, it’s back to being vain and superficial. I can’t wait!