Not long ago, I saw my own thigh in the sunlight though my bathroom window and I screamed. EW! Whose leg is that? I thought. I’m not kidding; that was my actual thought. I guess I expected to see my thigh as it exists in my memory. Not the world’s best thigh, but not a dry crepe-y one with no muscle tone. Today as I walked my dog, wearing cut off jeans because of the awful, muggy heat, I looked down and saw it again. Truly an old thigh, commensurate with my age but no less disappointing and even shocking.

You think this is stupid and shallow but just wait. You too will experience this cognitive dissonance unless you go blind, in which case you’ll have a while different set of problems. Since I rarely look at my own body in bright sunlight, I had no idea this was happening. A person I know who inspects every inch of her body and face every single day and exfoliates with a stiff vegetable brush will never be taken by surprise.

But keeping shit from falling apart is just too time consuming. It already takes me forever to get ready for bed, and my beauty routine is practically non-existent. Have  you guys seem Kim Kardashian’s new skincare line with nine (or 12?) products that she says are essential to use together in a certain order? Forget the cost. The time spent at your sink would move bedtime to around 4:am. No, Kim, don’t make me!

So being an old bag leaves you very few choices of how to visualize and project your image to yourself and the world. On one end of the spectrum is Paulina Porizkova, who at 57 never stops bitching about how the male gaze won’t acknowledge her aging appeal while shoving her remarkably well-preserved body in our face nonstop on Instagram.

Paulina rose to fame at just 18 years old as the first Central European woman to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Almost 40 years later, Paulina said she still feels sexy and hated society’s obsession with looking youthful. Despite still feeling confident though, the mother-of-two said younger men haven’t been interested in her.

daring to look her age!

Haha Paulina, you hate the obsession with looking youthful? I guess all the bikini shots are just something you do for fun.

She said: “I am now completely invisible.“I walk into a party, I try to flirt with guys and they will just walk away from me mid-sentence to pursue someone 20 years younger.”

God, just shut up Paulina and fuck off. Eat some sandwiches. If you want to hear more of this faux insecurity, check out her Instagram.

At the other end is Bridget Fonda, who has evidently rejected all efforts at looking young and attractive. When I first saw a recent picture of her, I didn’t believe it. It could not be her. Even though regular non-celebrities look old and fat when they’re old and fat, Bridget Fonda’s transformation is just startling. She is unrecognizable.

then and now

I felt sort of betrayed by Bridget. I should have admired her courage to stop pursuing a narrowly defined ideal of female beauty. Maybe she’s trying to live the opposite existence of her aunt Jane, whose face is now a clownish travesty

Somewhere in between these two extremes is a healthy outlook on aging. I just can’t find it.

It’s not the male gaze that bothers me. It’s my own gaze in the cruel morning light of my bathroom. I’m going to get some under eye filler and then go around pretending that I’d never get any filler, just like J. Lo and everyone else.

And I’ll stop wearing cut offs or just remember to not look down. Aging is so horrible! I just googled the insulting term “aging gracefully” and found a list of tips. I’m not going to follow any of them, because of my PDA, but you can if you want to.

Thoughts, ladies and gays?

1. Demi Moore isn’t blaming Ashton Kutcher for the threesomes they had during their marriage but it was his idea, not that she’s blaming him.

2. Brad Pitt has realized that it’s not the roles that matter. What he really wants is to live an interesting life.

3. Tavi Gevinson picks at her face when she’s anxious and has let her assistant take care of her Instagram posts.

4. Rap artists with gang affiliations have to check in with the local gang when they arrive in a new city, or some bad shit will go down.

5. Demi Lovato wants you to accept her cellulite.

All these things are true, according to the Internet. I know them because I clicked on them. I clicked on them because at the time, each one seemed less stupid, pointless, or distressing than the other suggestions thrown up by my cellphone or the New York Times.

I’ve never clicked on anything about improving my habits at work or at home, about fitness or food, about what successful people do to manage their lives or about relationships. I’ve never clicked on anything to do with finances, careers, credit scores, parenting, or shortcuts to anything.

Every day, I’m confronted by a thousand ways to lose myself and avoid being present, so I’m learning to skip things that will make me go back to bed. It’s a process, okay? I still make mistakes. I just clicked on the thing about a grandparent in Florida who gave her disabled adult grandchild an overdose of something, because she was worried about dying and leaving him alone. There’s a whole website somewhere that lists the people who were killed this way, in order to honor their truncated lives. This is exactly the type of thing I am drawn to like a moth and must learn to ignore.

Who started the fucking Five Things lists? Why five? Is it because ten is too many for most people to handle? Five is a reasonable number, if there were things I wanted to know on the fly.

I don’t want to know five things though. I read stuff about philosophy, depression, addiction, autism, nursing homes, refugees, writers, murderers, artists, and Donald Trump. Ivanka, too. I want to know everything on these subjects. As little kids, my sister and I liked to dig deep holes at the beach, hoping to reach China. I still want to reach China, pretty much. The dream is alive.

Is there something I’m missing in my pursuit of knowledge and distraction? Let’s hear the five things you click on, or refuse to click.

What a horrible year, right? Why can’t Trump just die so we can let the refugees have a nice soft bed and a hot meal?

Meanwhile, we’re not totally helpless. We can complain about words and word usage. We can vow not to use them in 2019, and like on Peewee’s Playhouse, we can scream really loud if someone says any of them.

new normal
wellness
folks (instead of “people”)
gender fluid
toxic masculinity
fake news
eatery
turmeric
manosphere
insta-worthy
gah
ally
self-care
helicopter parents
hook-up
best self

I can’t remember if I’ve done this before, but let’s also ban the people we don’t want to hear about (or from) in 2019, okay?

Beyonce
Halsey
Roger Stone
Ariana Grande
Kanye
Monica Lewinski
Lil [Anybody]
Cardi B and Offest
Tiger Woods
Clint Eastwood
Virgil Abloh
Childish Gambino
Mark Zuckerberg
Camila Cabello
Sheryl Sandberg
the Trivago guy
the My Pillow Guy

I know I’m forgetting about a million people and words.

Help me out.

When I stopped writing for Popdust a few weeks ago, I never thought I would lose interest in celebrities.

Having to write about them every day involved a total immersion in their real and made-up antics. I labored over the Daily Mail, looking for some news or photos I could spin into a post. I refused to just copy something that had already been posted somewhere else. Even though my writing and the website itself were garbage, I took a pathetic pride in being original.

I became an expert on Kim and Kanye.

My husband had to ask me several times when we were out walking to stop talking about Kanye. I found it hard not to share the contents of my knowledge base. I thought about Kylie and Khloe and Madonna and Gwyneth even when I was off the clock.  I started checking in on them several times a day, worried about missing something.

I followed Rumer Willis on Twitter, and tried to decode her tweets to her sister, whatshername.

Now, I am blissfully unaware of Rumer’s musings, and I don’t know where Kylie stands with Tyga.

Without any deliberate detox plan, I quit celebrities, just like that!

It feels like a miracle. No longer preoccupied with celebrities, I haven’t become more productive and I haven’t developed a new interest, but at least I don’t talk about Kanye. I think it’s a win.

On the other hand, I may have a lot more free-floating rage and hatred. But I will need it for our Insane Clown President. 

In fact, given Matt Taibbi‘s brilliant nickname for Donald Trump, it would be wonderfully fitting if Insane Clown Posse and a few thousand juggalos could perform at the inauguration! Please, universe, make this happen.

Where once I could rant about Taylor Swift with the passion of a crazed zealot, now I have no idea what she’s up to, and I wonder how I could once get so worked up about her.

Maybe it’s the emergence of actual villains that has drained my hatred for celebrities, or maybe familiarity really does breed contempt. Getting some distance from Kim Kardashian’s ass has helped me to refocus on my own ass,  such as it is.

If you fear that you are a hopeless celebrity addict, take it from me, you can live without them. Step 1 is to renounce the Daily Mail, and if I could do it, so can you. Then, move away from your computer and start thinking about your ass.

*photo by Juggalo4U

How much longer do we have to hear about Caitlyn Jenner? It was fun for a moment, I’ll admit it. I’m as much of a ghoul as the next man when it comes to sensational news stories and celebrities.

It’s just that stories become so overblown now, with everyone needing to weigh in on their own angle and digging for cultural significance or subtext.

The tide of political correctness is so massive that there’s just one way to react to things, or else risk the collective disapproval of the entire worldwide web.

So now the Guardian has published a long and ridiculous exegesis on the Caitlyn Jenner Phenomenon, comparing her looks to Lauren Bacall and winding up on this note:

Like it or not, the Kardashians have done something positive, progressive and meaningful. The internet era of baring all can be a beautiful thing: prejudice can wither and fall, and acceptance and understanding blossom in its place. And I’m not just talking about Caitlyn Jenner.

Jesus god almighty, can we just shut up about this guy or woman? Fuck her/him already!

Soon enough, people will turn on Caitlyn, because that’s what happens. But until then, we’ll all be judged on our response to her ‘journey.’ Because I’m so awful, I can admit that I’m not impressed by the ‘courage’ it took for a media-savvy reality TV star to use Diane Sawyer to one-up his awful attention-seeking family.

If I were a regular every-day transgendered person, I think I’d feel even more fed up with the adulation this character has received. My inner gay guy (who doesn’t have a name but loves Japanese menswear) is not impressed.

Not to mention Lauren Bacall.

When Kim Kardashian posted a collage of her facial expressions on Instagram, one could only marvel at the waxen immobility of that celebrated face.

Let’s take a closer look.

If only Kim had taken the time to label each expression!

Since she didn’t, I will take a stab at it.

Top row, from left to right: Duh, Look over there, Duh.

Middle row, from left to right: Oh, Duh,Turning my head.

Bottom row, from left to right: Turning my head, Look over there, Duh.

There you have it! Use this expression sampler to amaze your friends, play some bingo, or just add to your Kim Kardashian shrine.

For the last few days, I’ve had the feeling that there’s nothing interesting on the Internet. Anywhere. For me, as an addict, this is pretty scary. How much fashion, YouTube, politics or gossip can anyone stand? How many weird medical disorders, conjoined twins, opinions, rants or Wikipedia entries can anyone absorb? It’s all bullshit.

On that note, here is a quiz to test your knowledge of pop culture. I’m going to make it up as I go along. Remember that the more questions you can answer correctly, the more you should probably just kill yourself.

No cheating!

1.   Madonna may be upset, but ——- “is her rock.”

2. Which young celebrity/drug addict is NOT a lesbian.

3. Who is her lesbian girlfriend’s famous brother?

4. How long did Angie breastfeed the twins?

5. What sickening actor likes to be pictured without his shirt on?

6. Who is Jessica Simpson dating?

7. What is Beyonce’s new alter ego called?

8. Name Gwen Stefani’s two sons.

8. Name her husband’s teenage daughter.

9. Tom Cruise is —.

10. What is a ‘tweaker?’

11. Donatella’s daughter suffers from ——–.

12. Leonardo is dating ___ ______ because he likes ——.

How did you make out? 12 out of 12=tragic. 8-11=sad. 6-10=average student of pop culture. 1-5=great job, keep it up! 0=cheater!

* I’m not giving answers, because you know if you know them. If you don’t know an answer, give yourself a nice pat on the back, you’re better off.

Kate Hudson has pulled off a brilliant publicity stunt by pretending to be pregnant and then unveiling her body in a skimpy thong-style bikini. Her pristine white butt has appeared on every celebrity gossip site, photographed  from every possible angle.

After weeks of parading around in big baggy dresses, she made sure that her butt would receive all the attention of an urgent breaking news story.

I will admit that her butt is beyond compare, except to the butt of a ten year old albino gymnast. Good for you, Kate! Now, if only your butt could act, you’d be making the big bucks like Reese Witherspoon!