A zoo in Antwerp has asked a woman to stop visiting the chimpanzee she claims to be in love with, in the hope of forcing the chimp to engage with his own species.

Alice Timmermans has been seeing, I mean visiting, the chimp for four years, standing outside his enclosure and exchanging air kisses with him. She says they are in a relationship, and who are we to argue with her? Zoo authorities say the relationship is turning the chimp into an outcast among his peers, who are starting to avoid him.

Alice has taken to social media to protest the zoo’s ban, insisting that the chimp loves her and characterizing their relationship as an affair. The 39 year old chimp has lived at the zoo for thirty years, after his owner surrendered him for “behavior issues.”

Listen, chimpanzees only have a lifespan of around 40 years. WHY CAN’T THEY LET HIM BE HAPPY??

Let him have a private enclosure where he and Alice can continue dating. They may be ready to take the relationship to the next level; it’s been four years, after all. Why this speciesism, Antwerp Zoo? Should we start a Move On petition for Alice and Chita the chimp?? Or a GoFundMe to pay for her to file a lawsuit? The heart wants what it fucking wants, don’t forget, as if we could.

Meanwhile, in Loango National Park, chimpanzees in the wild have started attacking gorillas, behavior that anthropologists have never seen before. Until now, interaction between the two species has been peaceful, even playful on occasion. But these chimps formed coalitions and attacked the gorillas, killing the infants who were separated from their mothers. Fuckers! What is their goddamn problem? Are they mad because they want affairs with attractive humans? Are they sick of being discussed in the media? Can’t we all get along??

Maybe we can.

A lion sanctuary in Harrismith, South Africa, is placing visitors inside Plexiglas cages stationed at the center of the lions’ lair, granting animal enthusiasts a palm-to-paw encounter with their menagerie of 77 rescued big cats.

Tourists are locked inside a “professional photography cage” for 45 minutes, paying around $150 for the chance to snap close-range pictures of the lions as they claw at the enclosure’s acrylic walls. The [cage] is regularly checked by an engineer to ensure it can safely carry the weight (up to 570 pounds) should a lion jump on top of it. And the round breathing holes in the plexiglass cage are “totally safe.”

Hahaha! Totally safe, famous last words.

Isn’t it too binary to have “people” and “animals”? Some people are barely human, and some animals are good people: witness my dog, Boris. Maybe we should reconsider who to fear and who to love.

Or maybe those lions should get together and crush that plastic cage, eat the tourists, and start dating chimps, but not the ones in Loango National Park. Those fuckers are way out of order.

What a relief to find some fur on the runway that I don’t want. These two numbers by Givenchy are repulsive, aren’t they? I’m sure Madonna will show up in one, so I’m already bracing myself. The one on the left looks like the model fought with a gorilla and won. The one on the right looks like the gorilla ate the model but is using her head as a decoy.

It makes me especially sad to look at these “dresses” because of the new study suggesting that chimps can make plans for the future and thus have an autonoetic consciousness. The chimp in question was seen hoarding stones to throw at visitors outside his cage at a zoo in Sweden. He collected the stones when he was calm, anticipating that he’d be pissed off when the zoo opened the next day.

That chimp is alot smarter than I am. For example, I ate three bags of peanut M&M’s last night, unable to predict that I’d feel fat in the morning. God I am stupid. I don’t even deserve to be in a zoo.

Getting back to fashion, I am pleased to see that gladiator sandals are back with a vengeance. This means that the hideous gladiator spats I bought last year will be right on-trend, even though I plan to continue to not wear them.

I’ll bet that chimp would have known not to buy these. I am more and more impressed by him!

Whenever chimps go on a rampage, nobody wins. Poor Travis the Chimp was shot to death by a policeman after attacking a friend of his lifelong owner. But that’s not the whole story.

Earlier in the day, Travis annoyed his owner by grabbing her car-keys and trying to drive her car. She tried sedating him with Xanax but he wouldn’t calm down. She called a friend to come over and help. When the friend arrived, Travis went nuts, biting her in the face and hands. The owner was so distressed that she stabbed Travis with a kitchen knife, but that didn’t stop him, so she called 911.

When the cop arrived, Travis went out to the police car and tried to open the door. He loved policemen, apparently. The cop shot Travis several times. Travis fled and managed to retreat to his cage, where he died.

I don’t know who is to blame for any of this shit, but it wasn’t Travis.