If you missed the Golden Globes Awards, you didn’t miss much, but here are the highlights:

Nicole Kidman wanted to show off her nipples. Why, I have no idea. She appears to have lost her mind or her bathroom mirror. Remember when she dazzled us with her fashion choices at the Academy Awards? Maybe Tom Cruise was her stylist!

Monique gave a fabulous acceptance speech that made me want to be a big Black woman. She totally rules. Did you know she does stand up comedy for woman in prison? God bless Monique.

James Cameron was King of the World again, and gave a cliche-ridden speech that fooled no one. The man is a fucking cunt, and that’s that. I don’t know how Kathryn Bigelow keeps herself from killing him.

Colin Farrell was yumminess incarnate. Daniel Day Lewis looked good, too, and so did Robert Downey Jr. Jeff Bridges has morphed into Kris Kristofferson, and Somebody Reitman looked angry all night, except for when he won something.

Chloe Sevigny was punished for wearing a ridiculous see-through dress when someone stepped on her train and ripped it! What a moment! She managed to recover after a flash of rage, but it would have been classier if she’s ripped the rest of the dress before accepting her award.

What else? Jodie Foster looked so hot, you could hear the crowd gasp in surprise. Meryl Streep brought tears to everyone’s eyes when she talked about loss and gratitude. Jennifer Aniston nearly flashed her Female Area, and her nose seemed smaller than ever.

Jessica Lange displayed her tragic facelift, while Harrison Ford had trouble moving his face. Everyone wore conspicuous little ribbons signifying Support For Haiti, which were nicely set off by the emeralds and diamonds. Ricky Gervais was a saving grace, telling the audience: “Speaking of plastic surgery, I’ve had a penis reduction. Now I have just the one.”

Did I forget anything?