Sharon Osbourne is known to be a voracious shopper capable of dropping $65,000 on a single excursion.   I don’t know much else about her.

My friend Jane invited me to come with her to a private sale of Sharon Osbourne’s unwanted clothes, with a portion of the proceeds going to charity.   Since Jane doesn’t give a shit about fashion, it was really nice of her to think of me and do all the driving. Thanks, Jane!

Here’s what I can tell you: That woman can shop like a motherfucker. Sharon, not Jane.   She loves black. I mean she really totally loves it. She can’t get enough black. Just the black coats and jackets took up a couple of racks. Also, she loves white. You can see her loving white in the photo above, taken in a store called Intermix in L.A.

The white shirt selection was astounding. Some bitch who made sure everyone knew she was a celebrity stylist worked her way through the white shirts while blabbing on her phone about pirate costumes. When I touched one of the shirts, she snapped “All of these are mine.”

There were quite a few Chanel items with the tags still on. A $5,000 Chanel thing was marked $2,000. Most of it was black. All the major designers were represented, don’t make me name them all, okay? Jane bought some great Hermes shoes for $135.   I admired a crazy long   coat by Commes de Garcon made out of white cotton eyelet for $500.

In the end, I bought a coat by Sharon Wauchob because 1) I like long coats, and 2) I’ve heard of this designer, whose shit is on the Reborn website.

Now, my only problem is that I can’t figure out how the coat works. It has a hook thing and a snap thing. If you do them both, the coat is all fucked up. It has 2 long chiffon ribbons hanging on the inside, for what purpose I have no clue. The back is great, like a proper mourning jacket, with another two chiffon ribbons. The sleeves are cinched in the middle and have big cuffs.

The collar makes no sense, I can’t figure out what it wants to do. Maybe it is a wide portrait collar? It has pads in the wrong place. Or maybe it wants to be turned up like a vampire cloak? Who the fuck knows. It’s a size 38 and made in   France, with a nice lining.

Notice the lack of styling in these photos. I was lucky to get them, if you know what I mean, mothers of teenagers!

Anyway, if anyone needs this very special coat, I will sell it for $150, unless Sharon (either one of the Sharons, actually) calls me to explain the complications.