I have already confessed to being at a loss for words to adequately describe the abomination that is Donald Trump. But recently, one thing I keep thinking after watching the news is how utterly without redeeming features he is. My default analogy is that at least Hitler loved dogs. And music. And had some actual talent as a painter.

I was thinking of this yesterday while walking my dog (shout out to Hitler!) and started to mentally review the dictators I’m most familiar with, to compare them to Trump. Qaddafi came to mind first, and he had the redeeming feature of great style. He’s one up on Trump right there!

So let’s review historic dictators to see if any are as worthless as Donald Trump.

Stalin excelled in seminary school and earned a scholarship to Tiflis Theological Seminary in 1894. Good job, Stalin! Your dad didn’t have to pay to get you accepted!

Castro went to law school and was passionate about social justice.

Saddam Hussein also went to law school on his own merits and “did much to modernize Iraq’s infrastructure, industry and health-care system, and raised social services, education and farming subsidies to levels unparalleled in other Arab countries in the region.” Well done, Saddam!

Kim Jong-un was educated in Switzerland and after his father’s death, implemented some economic and agricultural reforms. Not bad, Kim Jong-un!

Mussolini was a journalist who studied Kant, Hegel and Nietzsche. (Trump = Covfefe)

Mobutu Sese Seko, with his trademark leopard-skin cap and carved wooden staff, was a a true style icon, and I’m still looking for a facsimile of that hat.

Pol Pot played the violin and was fluent in French.

Augusto Pinochet taught classes in military geography and geopolitics and was the editor of a magazine, Cien Águilas (‘One Hundred Eagles’).

François Duvalier aka Papa Doc was a physician, and was active in a United States–sponsored campaign to control the spread of contagious tropical diseases, helping the poor to fight typhus, yaws, and malaria. He was also a master of Haitian Vodou! Who among us doesn’t love Haitian Vodou?

I could go on, but you see my point here. That bastard Donald Trump is the most patently worthless human being in the history of the world.  Why did god make him? I heard a guy on TV noting Trump’s “incandescent stupidity and malevolence.” Incandescent gave me a little thrill. If only I could be as elegant in expressing my contempt!

All I can do is take comfort in his notable hair-loss and commensurate panic as I try not to think of him winning the next presidential election. If that comes to pass, there won’t be enough cyanide capsules in the world to put us out of our misery.

J Lo is sorry about going to Turkmenistan to sing for its dictator, President Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov. Her “people” had “vetted” the event, but they missed the part about its human rights record.

All you have to do is google ‘Turkmenistan human rights” to learn that it is one of the world’s most repressive countries. Media and religious freedoms are subject to draconian restrictions. Authorities use imprisonment and torture for political retaliation and to suppress dissent.

You can see why J Lo might want to sing happy birthday to President Berdymukhamedov; he looks so nice! She’s not a mind-reader, you know.  And neither is her choreographer, who tweeted during the event: “I wonder where all my Turkmenistan followers are!? Hit me up!” How could he possibly have known that twitter is blocked in Turkmenistan??

Anyway, please accept Jennifer’s apology, especially as she has pointed out that she was hired for the gig by the China National Petroleum Corporation. They’re nice, right? Because China is nice and so are gas, oil and chemicals.

‘Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice,” says Human Rights Foundation president Thor Halvorssen.  You can’t argue with that. Even though she’s so obviously a moron and a fucking cunt.

Libyan leader Col. Muammar al-Qaddafi knows how to rock several different looks without missing a trick. As far as I’m concerned, we can take our style cues from him instead of Daphne Guinness, .

From left to right:

1. The trendy Military look, rocked to perfection!
2. The classic Saturday Night Fever disco look, with a slight Michael Jackson thing going on.
3. The It-Look of the season, with distressed shearling leather jacket and a fabulous fur Trapper hat.
4. The opulent monotone look for evening, in deep blue taffeta.

For more stylish Dictator fashion, go to foreignpolicy.com*, where I also learned that the President of Nigeria is named Goodluck Jonathan! It doesn’t get much better than that, am I right?

*Thanks, JK!

Not just a fucking cunt, but a TOTAL fucking cunt. If you didn’t already hate him, it’s time to get on board.

Sting was offered 2 millions pounds to perform in Uzbekistan for the glamorous daughter of its brutal dictator, whose human rights violations are deplored around the world.

When asked to defend his decision, after the fact, Sting issued a statement that explained: “The concert was organized by the president’s daughter and I believe sponsored by Unicef.”

But Unicef says they were “quite surprised” by Sting’s claim. Oh, snap!

Sting still wants to have it both ways (i.e. to indulge his greed and to pose as a humanitarian.) Here is his argument:

“I am well aware of the Uzbek president’s appalling reputation in the field of human rights as well as the environment. I made the decision to play there in spite of that. I have come to believe that cultural boycotts are not only pointless gestures, they are counter-productive, where proscribed states are further robbed of the open commerce of ideas and art and as a result become even more closed, paranoid and insular.”

God, what a fucking cunt.  A ticket for his concert cost more than 45 times the average monthly salary in Uzbekistan.   Look at him sitting with Gulnara Karimova, the dictator’s daughter and anointed heir. Don’t they look cultural together? Poor Trudy.

If you hate Sting as much as I do, listen to the eloquence of journalist Miles Raymer:

“You gotta hand it to Sting: the guy just doesn’t stop. Most people who inspire the hatred of literally millions of people for a long list of entirely valid reasons–from his shitty music to his preternatural self-regard to his insistence on planting in my mind, even for the briefest of horrifying seconds, the image of him having hours-long tantric sex would probably rest on their laurels.”

Sting brings being a cunt to a whole new level. He is definitely Cunt of the Week, unless someone somehow manages to out-cunt him.