What about this Rick Owens clutch bag? As long as all the shit you carry around in your handbag is shaped like an arrow or kebab skewer, this would be super convenient as well as eye-catching. Originally $1,815 but marked down to just $726. Use it as a weapon if worse comes to worse, and you know it will.

Refashioning folklore with the contemporary and an unlikely dash of 80s rock climbing, Chopova Lowena are redefining Bulgarian identity.

Whatever. This jacket is on sale for $945 and it features a removable hood, so it’s more versatile than it looks. You could pretend it came from an old David Bowie video or just turn up your nose and act like you’re an Influencer and you know what’s trending. The best part is that it’s 100% polyurethane and polyester, and you have to dry clean it.

You’re probably thinking, But where’s the denim??

I know I’ve been shirking my denim responsibilities due to Everything, but here’s a personal favorite, the hugely popular and iconic Ksenia Schnaider asymmetrical jeans:

As coveted as they are, according to Dazed, you can get them for only $430 at Shopbop. Just look at the rear view.

Who wouldn’t want to exit a room like this? People will wonder which of your legs is deformed, the thin one or the wide one!

Just be glad I’m here to distract you, people. They also serve who only stand and wait refers to bloggers, above all, I’m pretty sure.

My mental hygiene is not what it should be. I like to watch the news on MSNBC for hours on end, without moving except to scroll through Instagram, clicking like a lab rat, heart heart heart. Last night I stayed up watching TV til 5:am, just to hear more outrage about our beloved leader.

But now the sight of these jeans has cleared the cobwebs away, so to speak. I once knew a woman who said she needed to “get laid” every so often just to clear the cobwebs away. Isn’t that awful? No wonder I can’t remember her name. But I remember when she said it. It was an instant deal-breaker.

Anyway, behold. These “Tulle-trim crystal-embellished straight-leg jeans” by Germanier are $764 but already sold out in my size. Shit. Here is the rear view.

Sustainable label Germanier repurposes glittering silver and black crystals which would have otherwise gone to waste to create these playful blue high-rise jeans. Cut to a slim, straight silhouette, they’re trimmed with black tulle which drapes elegantly down the side. Style them with a white T-shirt for an ultra-contemporary look.

Wait, huh? Aren’t they still going to waste??? And what do they mean by “elegant”? Well, who cares, truth is beauty and beauty is truth.

If you REALLY have balls, denimwise, you would forget the jeans with tulle and go straight to this:

Junya Watanabe knows how to bring the crazy. Just feast your eyes! When you walk into a room wearing this, you’ll know where that extra money went.

Short sleeve layered long dress in faded indigo denim and white cotton jersey. Asymmetric construction featuring tulle trim, lace detailing, pleats, and raw edge at hem. Rib knit crewneck collar. Half-zip closure at front. Zippered vent at side-seam. Silver-tone hardware. Tonal and contrast stitching in tan.

Part nurse, part fairy princess, part mental patient, you will be the center of attention at any event, for $2,415…but not if you’re a size large because that is sold out. Good, because a Large woman would be especially resplendent in this dress, don’t you think?

Okay then. You’re welcome! I’ll be back with some other shit before you know it.

Calvin Klein 205W39NYC evoked modern Americana in its SS18 collection which included this black sleeveless top. It’s made from high-shine nylon and finished with a ruffle-trimmed drawstring neck. Tuck it into the label’s corresponding skirt for a look with directional flair.

Thank you, Raf Simons, for bringing the trash bag to its natural conclusion, we salute your genius!  Here it is with a skirt:

The Vetements guys must be furious.

Any styling tips, fashionistas?

From the rear, you can really appreciate the heel. Are they going for a Gaudi mosaic tribute or just a Disney princess thing?

A textured, silvery block heel encrusted with sparkling crystals in shades of blue brings a feminine update to a square-toed loafer finished with genuine shearling tassels.

Uh-oh. I would call this green, not shades of blue. Anyone?  Funnily enough, the whole thing looks different when it’s coming straight at you.

Now it’s a smiling shoe making a funny face! Adorable. $1,100 

Remember, when the world is about to blow up or just fall apart, there is always footwear and denim to take the edge off.

Above, we have the Gianvito Rossi Sock Bootie. What is there to say except Ew, Stop It? $1,o95

Why have just one pattern when there are so many? Why hold back?

This is the May Wong, by Christian Loubouton, adding a touch of racism to a party on heels. I think this one could be described as “fun.” When you walk into a room, someone is bound to scream, “Your boots! What fun!” At $1,695, you get what you pay for. The tassel thingie alone is worth like $500, probably.

Yay for Gucci (above)!  As Gucci continues its Everything and the kitchen sink aesthetic, one is almost disappointed to note that this bootie lacks the snakes, tigers and bees of last season. Let’s not be greedy though. Seven buckles AND a zipper is not nothing. Three different buckle styles plus the tapestry embroidery = a costly migraine. At $2,150, we may be spared the sight of this in real life. The Topshop version will be a manageable headache in comparison.

Next, Tom Ford, who brings sexy back.

Printed calf-hair, gold hardware, peep-toe and open heel, balanced precariously on a spindly stiletto. I’m hearing HELP! What do you hear? $1,590.

Want to spend some real money? Nothing says $$$ like sparkly crystal.

$5,995 for this classy Loubouton platform bootie is not much to spend for this level of sophistication. If anyone mistakes this for a Steve Madden knock off, just stick the red sole in their face.

Now you really want me to stop but I can’t. Here’s the mink pom-poms. They look almost demure at this point, right?

Fendi, $1,150.  That’s ____ per pom-pom. You do the math. Finally, for the win, behold:

Givenchy’s Floral Elegant Ankle Boot deserves the prize for the audacity of using the word Elegant. Way to cheat, Givenchy! It’s a copy of a copy by some brand I can’t remember. Maybe Jeffrey Campbell? I love the gratuitous little studs. $1,450 worth of tired faux punk. Would you wear these for free? Maybe that’s the litmus test.

I’m done. Don’t be mad at me. I’m just here to help.

If you have the energy, please weigh in with your own choice for the win.

Sometimes you spot something on the runway that you just have to have, regardless of how impractical it may seem – cue Gucci’s black leather harness. Part of Alessandro Michele’s Spring ’17 collection, this Italian-made accessory is decorated with rows of gold studs at the fringed shoulders. Adjust the buckles to find your most comfortable fit.

Hahaha! “No matter how impractical.”

Who among us does not want to spend $2,500 to masquerade as a horse?

You know what, fuck it. It speaks for itself. Wear it like this

or you could wear it as you prance around a track.

Maybe Gucci’s creative director finally saw “Secretary”? Is it an S&M thing or a slavery fetish? Do you like the part about “finding your most comfortable fit?” Is it code for DON’T BUY THIS, ARE YOU CRAZY?

Here’s the best part – it’s ‘low in stock.’

You want to feel special? Be prepared to pay for it. Especially when it comes to denim. There are fifty thousand brands of denim to choose from, and the “cult” brands are changing every minute. You want to express your status to other status-obsessed losers so you need to look around before you invest.

The shredding alone tells you that these jeans are special. It is clearly the work of teething babies and rabid squirrels. You let them chew for a scientifically calibrated amount of time to get this effect, then you  smack them away, so it’s very labor-intensive.

Then, there’s the exposed zipper with the big ring-pull. How cool is that? Not to mention the long rope belt, which you can use to strangle yourself if no one reacts to your denim savvy. Before you take that option though, make sure to point out that these jeans are actually repurposed Levi’s.

Isn’t that incredible!  They took some innocent Levi’s and turned them into arty street-wear that broadcasts your exquisite disregard for fit and function.

Here’s the rear view:

Now you see where the money went!

Before you guess the price, let me reveal the brand: Off-White c/o Virgil Abloh.

Virgil Abloh wears many hats: Kanye West’s creative director, in-demand DJ, blockbuster-show producer, and most recently, designer for a line of streetwear that launched in 2013. Mixing provocatively printed T-shirts with athletic hoodies and oversized flannel shirts, OFF-WHITE c/o VIRGIL ABLOH is setting new standards in urban apparel.

Okay, take a guess.

WRONG!

$1,075 (and sold out in size 24)

First of all, Vetements is pronounced vet-MAHN. Look at a mirror while saying it. Do you feel embarrassed, or at least tainted? Good.

If you don’t know about Vetements, you are free to go. Run along, and keep your innocence.

Still here? Okay. Remember when you were amused and startled by the outlandishly oversized hoodies and jackets by the new brand that seemed to be mentioned everywhere? You noticed that it was the streetwear brand of all the cool it-people, even Rihanna. The silhouette was easy to spot: it was absurd, like that David Byrne jacket.

Then you saw the prices and the joke got better. The price to look absurd was astronomical, ensuring that only the coolest it-people could wear it and signify to each other that they were in on it. Ha Ha, we love looking stupid if it means regular people cant’s afford to!

Now there are a bunch of copy-cat brands flogging the same gigantic esthetic and they are pricey too, because, why not?

I called my husband over to look at this Vetements T shirt selling for $395.

It’s a collaboration with Hanes, which sells a 3-pack of white t shirts in size 4XL for $14.00.

He got that the t shirt was a stupid in-joke, but was not thrilled by my counter-joke of just using a marker to write STAFF on a regular T. Only Vetements prople would get the joke, he pointed out.

Well, I still like that idea. I’d get it! I may be too lazy to execute it, though. Meanwhile, Vetements has collaborated with Juicy Couture to make those velour sweats, only priced at a zillion dollars.

There is an intrinsic value in the avant garde. But once the point is made, we have to move on. When something becomes a parody of itself, the art aspect is over. Tell that to fans of Rick Owens, though. They’re still drooling over that black saggy funeral fashion he keeps churning out, and every single fashion person asked about their style has to name Rick Owens as one of their go-to designers. Especially in New York; it’s the law there to worship Rick Owens.

Here’s an up and coming brand, Martine Rose.

This shirt is $635, but the rear-view is where the money went, in my opinion.

Imagine walking into a room wearing this. How chic! You could pretend you’re Alice in Wonderland and you just swallowed the Drink-Me that shrunk you!

Conspicuous  Consumption is still in play, maybe more than ever before, even among those who think they’re disdaining the practice by wearing stupid overpriced street fashion.

The Huge Clothes joke is over, rich people! Get ready for the next trend, teeny tiny clothes that look like they’re about to burst. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The price is certainly fair, given, you know.

But If I have to hand wash it, then no. Forget it.

Thoughts?

I go to all the trouble to create a website called Hideous Denim, and what do I get?

Nothing.

You people are obviously too lazy to go over there and enjoy my expertly curated collection of the most hideous, fucked up denim monstrosities ever to blight this earth. It’s just laziness, because I know that in your hearts, you want to see ugly denim.

So guess what, you’re going to see some right now, because that’s how nice I am, and because I’ve lived a whole life of not being able to get people to cooperate with me.

Here are the Bandana Jeans brought to you by provocateur Nazir Mazhar, a street-wear designer who expects you to pay $715.78 for the discomfort and humiliation. Look at the rear view:

Three is only one pair left, size medium.

But don’t worry because this:

Now this is just perfect on so many levels. Junya Watanabe signifies your appreciation of Japanese design, while breaking your bank account and making you look like a nutcase. I am sad to report that this outfit has sold out, but behold the skirt.

Can you imagine anything more unflattering? So gorgeous! The real job of hideous denim is to mock the consumer on all levels. I’d say this Junya outfit is a ten out of ten.

What about something really, really stupid and embarrassingly twee, like a denim romper?

Excuse me, it’s a playsuit, of course. And fairly priced at $2,490. How to wear it, you’re wondering as you hunt for your credit card? Read on.

Not only playful, but DARLING! I fucking love this text. Hideous denim is even more rewarding when the text lives up to the fraudulence of the piece itself.

We are living in some rough times, aren’t we? I mean, we’re not eating dirt in Calcutta but we are fighting off existential dread from morning to night, watching our Netflix shows and compulsively checking our devices, waiting for the seas to rise or some maniac to shoot us or be elected President.

We deserve some relief, and that’s why god created all this awful hideous denim, even though he’s away from his desk.

So please enjoy.