Like every fashion-conscious consumer, I spend time every day scrolling through the latest arrivals at Matches, Net-a-Porter, ssense, Neiman Marcus, LL-CC and websites I’m too embarrassed to mention.  I consider the scrolling a duty, and a big success if I don’t want anything.

The trends I’m seeing lately fall into four categories. Logomania is by far the most offensive. We expect declarative logos from Gucci and Chanel, but now they’re everywhere, on everything. Fendi has gone all out, with it’s logo defacing nearly every item. Those Fendi F’s were never exactly eye candy; now they’re a genuine blight.

Balenciaga, Lowe, Off-White, Kenzo, Helmut Lang, Martine Rose, Valentino, Vetements, even the famously nondescript A.P.C. is getting in on this. You won’t have to wait till next year for people to feel sorry for you if you invest now in an ugly Balenciaga bag with the word BALENCIAGA slapped across it in block letters.

Remember how at one point, we all agreed it was stupid to be a human billboard for brands? Sports brands were the exception, like Adidas crowns and stripes. Fashionable people shunned logos as vulgar, while the aspirational (i.e., middle class) shopper continued to long for a real or fake Louis Vuitton bag to prove their social standing and discretionary income.

Today, according to Emily Gordon-Smith, head of fashion at research consultancy Stylus, the key word behind the Logomania craze is “irreverence.” She thinks that people who buy into this trend are doing it ironically. On the other hand, designer Martine Rose insists her use of logos is “post-ironic.” Whatever the excuse is, this trend needs to stop. I think I speak for every non-It-Girl when I say that if I need to know what brand you’re wearing, I’ll ask you.

Also having a long moment is the Sisterwife look, sometimes described as a “prairie” look by style editors trying to persuade you to buy cowboy boots. High necks, long skirts, and ruffles add up to a self-conscious schoolmarm effect that would be cute at a butter-churning party but has no place on a city street. I mean, fine, it’s your choice, but it’s the opposite of chic, if that matters to you.  Just take it away for fucksake!

Saint Laurent is pushing its signature prostitute look, but even more aggressively than usual in its leather hotpants worn with thigh-high boots. Attico is climbing on board the hooker wagon with some feathered mini dresses that barely cover the butt. Balmain is sticking with garish leopard print and sequined mini’s whose plunging necklines drive home the sex-for-sale aesthetic. Even Christopher Kane has succumbed with trashy-looking velvet mini’s for evening-wear.

Finally, we have those big shaggy coats that keep coming back to haunt us, but this year it’s less groupie than Bigfoot. “Fun” colors and raggedy textures seem to be saying, “Just kidding!” and to signify faux fur to the vegans among us. But some brands are sticking with fur, like oversized shearling jackets with quirky buttons or trimmings to counter the old-school glamour of  wearing dead animals. Look for Givenchy‘s “voluminous” chevron-pattern fake fur to be knocked off by Topshop et al. in the next ten minutes.

Other trends like menswear suits and plaid mash-ups will be asserting themselves, and luxury brand street-wear will be ever-present until someone makes it illegal, but the four fads I’ve focused on are the ones to avoid (or indulge in, as the case may be) as you consider your style options. Remember: More is more except when it’s already too much.

Could anything be more stupid? It’s the Sacai Faux Fur-Trim Denim & Blazer Jacket. It’s two mints in one!

This amalgamated piece is dichotomous in design and aesthetic. Tailored on one side with the blazer and edgy on the other with denim, this piece is finished with a glamorous faux fur collar.

I guess it is dichotomous.

I would rather think of it as amphibian. Why is Sacai doing this to us? Why is the size small sold out? Where do we go from here? Is there a way to make it a trilogy, like adding a flapping sweater sleeve somewhere?

I can’t even with this one.

From the rear, you can really appreciate the heel. Are they going for a Gaudi mosaic tribute or just a Disney princess thing?

A textured, silvery block heel encrusted with sparkling crystals in shades of blue brings a feminine update to a square-toed loafer finished with genuine shearling tassels.

Uh-oh. I would call this green, not shades of blue. Anyone?  Funnily enough, the whole thing looks different when it’s coming straight at you.

Now it’s a smiling shoe making a funny face! Adorable. $1,100 

Remember, when the world is about to blow up or just fall apart, there is always footwear and denim to take the edge off.

But why? Just tell me why!  Look, just two of these monstrosities left.

Shearling and goat hair, I can practically smell it.

I predict the era of Eurotrash and disco coming back in full force, as if to say “I’ll show you, normcore!” We’ll all need a safe place to hide if this jacket is an indication of the horror to come.

Emilio Pucci – Printed calf hair, goat and fox coat, $21,750

Editor’s Notes:

“This printed calf hair coat was one of the final looks of Emilio Pucci’s fall runway. Trimmed with fox and goat hair, this coverup is accented with strips of leather and suede. Accentuate the stud embellishments with silver jewelry.”

Eeoooow! Look how they can’t even bring themselves to call it a “coat.” It’s a “coverup.” How could this thing be more horrible?  I really think Pucci has nailed it.

~

On the other hand, I actually like this one:

Roberto Cavalli – dyed fox and raccoon coat, $17,860

I could never wear a garment made from dead things that might be in my back yard; raccoon fur might as well be possum or rat as far as I’m concerned.

But at least it’s fluffy and colorful, evoking groupies and hookers and fun-loving Eurotrash.

What do you think? Hate them both? Hate me? Weigh in.

I was asked by the blond babe known as Rackk and Ruin what clothes I do like, so I looked through the images I’ve kept for inspiration (i.e., to make me feel sorry for myself.)

These two photos were styled by DisneyRollergirl for Reiss, and they struck me immediately as the way I want to look. Casual, tomboyish, classic with a twist.

This tartan wool biker jacket fits the same criteria. I wasn’t surprised to discover that Susie B actually owns this jacket by J.W. Anderson.

I like this Ruffian look for Fall: Ladylike tomboy with some offbet sexy elements.

I like this look from Sonia Rykeil. It combines my nun fetish with my schoolgirl fetish.

Simple soft black leather. Works with everything. Add a green leather jacket and some python boots, you’re good to go.

Just a great androgynous look I’d like to borrow. Not the hat, duh.

This painted leather jacket is the holy grail if you see it up close.   I’m letting my sister paint one of mine in the same colors and hoping it will work out.

JF and Son are   really on to something that speaks to me. Simple but dramatic,   boyish but sexy.

The shoes make this Louella outfit. Those shoes say, “Fuck you, I have silver winklepickers, bow down to me.”

Finally, just like every sucker, I’d like to imagine myself an Isabel Marant woman, carefree in butch jeans and boots with a casual $3,000 fur coat thrown on as an afterthought.

See? I’m not just about mocking bad fashion. I have my own hopes and dreams of leather, cashmere, Patti Smith, Keith Richard, Catholic schoolgirls, demure nuns and decadent furs.

Suggestions, insults, insincere compliments?

It’s time to move on from the big black goat-hair coat.   It was fun for a while but now it’s sad.   Do any normal people wear them, or just fashion blogggers?

I don’t want to see any version of the Lita, or any clog hybrids.   No more talons, either. No more Alex Wang handbags and no more ratty leopard print jackets unless you’re Kate Moss.

What look or item would you like to banish for 2011?

*UPDATE – Shit, I just saw that the NYT did a piece on Ten Things they don’t want to see in 2011. It’s here.

The shoes at Saks.com are like a festival of roadkill.

I’ve always loved fur but something about this footwear trend is making me gag. I wonder how dogs react when they see these things approaching? I’ve tried to decide which pair above is the ugliest, but it hurts to dwell upon them.

On a related note, I am stuck with my Kate Moss Groupie Coat, since no one on ebay was astute enough to buy it from me.

There is no fucking way I’m going to wear this coat and look like a Chanel Yeti or anything of that ilk. I bought it last year in a moment of delirium.

What can I do to make this coat better? I’m thinking of cutting it off to make a short jacket. Is this good or not good? Would I need to hem it? Because I can’t handle that.

Should I add some color with paint or sharpies or something?

I could run a huge contest called “Fuck Up My Coat” and post all your ideas on Flickr, but no, that’s not how I roll. Just let me know if you have a suggestion.

My ingenious method of self-intervention worked so well last time!

But shit, this blue fur pea-coat is perfect for me! I am rocking the shit out of it, right?!?

Since it’s $3,105 at Opening Ceremony, it’s not gonna happen. Waaaaah!

Maybe the New Shopping will be Virtual Shopping, for most of us, anyway. You can feel the thrill without the remorse. All you need is a kid with mad photoshop skills.

I admit that my definition for Clueless Goth Style was pretty unintelligible.   But Enna, above, has put together a great look: It’s kind of Blogger-Hooker crossed with Hipster Underage Granny. She knows that it’s mandatory to rock a fur thing and a Dope Dealer hat.

Here is Redhead Fashionista rocking a (subconscious?) tribute to Sea, with striking black lipstick and a bumble bee themed outfit, and bringing a saucy tough-girl vibe to the Goth Lolita thing. Isn’t she gorgeous and clueless?

HelOnWheels looks tragically Goth and clueless in this old school tartan bondage dress and stupid hippie ankh.   The excessive rings and pretentious hat are perfection!

Lois-Elizabeth take Clueless over the edge into Mental. The Goth Hooker dress with white accents is begging for attention, and the pigeon-toed stance pulls it all together.

Angelica really nails it with the shredded leggings and headband. The lace-up boots are bang on trend, and the heavy showgirl make up is perfect for making a strong first impression.

Athif knows how to rock fur, doesn’t he? The thing around his neck looks like it was only recently running around someone’s garden, while the fluffy footwear says Chanel knock-off.   Ripped leg-wear and scary jewelry show that Athif has done his fashion homework!

WOW, Marie is a genius. Here, she looks   sexily disheveled as though apres lovemaking (or pony-play?) in a barn. Let’s take another look.

This outfit is dripping with style, beginning with that fabulous cape. The lace, the chains, the hat, the attitude, Marie is a vision of loveliness in her Military Madonna outfit. WordPress is too stupid to let me post the full size pictures of Marie, but I’ll be happy to send them to you in email if you ask nicely.

I was thinking about attempting my own Clueless Goth look but I just can’t get dressed today due to extreme lethargy, depression, and antibiotics.   Thank you, Marie, Enna, Angelica, Lois-Elizabeth, Athif, HelOnWheels, and Redhead Fashionista for your team spirit and for sharing your creativity! xoxoxo