God, what a fucking bore! I’m surprised I could even stay awake, but here are the main points as I recall them.

Tina Fey and Amy Pohler were funny and adorable; we expect no less from them at this point. Everyone loved their joke about Amal and George Clooney, as if Amal needed to feel more grandiose.  For me, it was all about hating Amal Clooney.

Have you ever seen a more camera hungry woman in your life? She flipped her hair extensions and batted her eyes like a schoolgirl, always searching for a camera to smile at. The white gloves…what the hell, does she think she’s a fucking debutante?

I’m sure she and George have it all worked out, with him pretending to be heterosexual and her making her family happy by finally marrying at 36 years old. It’s fine with me but I’d like them to come out instead of pretending to be a love-match. And most urgent, I’d like for her to eat a cheeseburger. Let’s look at her twig-like arms:

I love the way her Je Suis Charlie badge coordinates with her black and white color scheme! And sticking it on a Dior bag is so elegant, so charmingly oblivious to money, c’est juste?

J Lo was her usual self, tits out and dressed like a Vegas showgirl She is this close to turning into Charro.

Ruth Wilson seemed a little too arrogant when she won for her role in The Affair, as if the film critics finally got it right. Still, she’s the only reason to watch that awful series, may it hurry up and end.

Jared Leto looked especially nuts in a white prom tux, but his long braid made up for it. Robert Downey Jr. presented an award I think, but I took that as the perfect time to go and pee.

Prince! Prince is always the perfect surprise, and I loved how he read out the winners, John Legend and Common. Kudos to three men I would have sex with if I were unmarried and ambulatory!

Jane Fonda looked great without those implants she used to have, but she should have given them to Kate Hudson. Kate Hudson is determined to make you look at her chest, just like her mother before her. Maybe it’s genetic.

Alejandro González Iñárritu was totally disarming in his acceptance speech for Birdman. Let’s have more passionate foreign guys picking up awards, okay?

Oh wait, I almost forgot about Transparent, a series about awful horrible rich L.A. Jews who make me want to convert to Catholicism.  While I love Jeffrey Tambor in anything, the other actors are torture to watch.

The creator of Transparent, Jill Soloway, made an indelible impression with a hideous pantsuit that I can’t begin to describe. Just google it.

Gwyneth Paltrow stuck with her favorite color pink for a Pepto-Bismol colored dress that hurt my eyes and stomach. Gwyneth always Brings It.

Getting back to George Cloone, he made a heartfelt speech.

Blah blah blah, I love my wife, really, I swear it, blah blah blah, we will not walk in fear, blah blah, I want to run for public office so please please vote for me.

I don’t know about you but I’m not buying it.