Like every fashion-conscious consumer, I spend time every day scrolling through the latest arrivals at Matches, Net-a-Porter, ssense, Neiman Marcus, LL-CC and websites I’m too embarrassed to mention.  I consider the scrolling a duty, and a big success if I don’t want anything.

The trends I’m seeing lately fall into four categories. Logomania is by far the most offensive. We expect declarative logos from Gucci and Chanel, but now they’re everywhere, on everything. Fendi has gone all out, with it’s logo defacing nearly every item. Those Fendi F’s were never exactly eye candy; now they’re a genuine blight.

Balenciaga, Lowe, Off-White, Kenzo, Helmut Lang, Martine Rose, Valentino, Vetements, even the famously nondescript A.P.C. is getting in on this. You won’t have to wait till next year for people to feel sorry for you if you invest now in an ugly Balenciaga bag with the word BALENCIAGA slapped across it in block letters.

Remember how at one point, we all agreed it was stupid to be a human billboard for brands? Sports brands were the exception, like Adidas crowns and stripes. Fashionable people shunned logos as vulgar, while the aspirational (i.e., middle class) shopper continued to long for a real or fake Louis Vuitton bag to prove their social standing and discretionary income.

Today, according to Emily Gordon-Smith, head of fashion at research consultancy Stylus, the key word behind the Logomania craze is “irreverence.” She thinks that people who buy into this trend are doing it ironically. On the other hand, designer Martine Rose insists her use of logos is “post-ironic.” Whatever the excuse is, this trend needs to stop. I think I speak for every non-It-Girl when I say that if I need to know what brand you’re wearing, I’ll ask you.

Also having a long moment is the Sisterwife look, sometimes described as a “prairie” look by style editors trying to persuade you to buy cowboy boots. High necks, long skirts, and ruffles add up to a self-conscious schoolmarm effect that would be cute at a butter-churning party but has no place on a city street. I mean, fine, it’s your choice, but it’s the opposite of chic, if that matters to you.  Just take it away for fucksake!

Saint Laurent is pushing its signature prostitute look, but even more aggressively than usual in its leather hotpants worn with thigh-high boots. Attico is climbing on board the hooker wagon with some feathered mini dresses that barely cover the butt. Balmain is sticking with garish leopard print and sequined mini’s whose plunging necklines drive home the sex-for-sale aesthetic. Even Christopher Kane has succumbed with trashy-looking velvet mini’s for evening-wear.

Finally, we have those big shaggy coats that keep coming back to haunt us, but this year it’s less groupie than Bigfoot. “Fun” colors and raggedy textures seem to be saying, “Just kidding!” and to signify faux fur to the vegans among us. But some brands are sticking with fur, like oversized shearling jackets with quirky buttons or trimmings to counter the old-school glamour of  wearing dead animals. Look for Givenchy‘s “voluminous” chevron-pattern fake fur to be knocked off by Topshop et al. in the next ten minutes.

Other trends like menswear suits and plaid mash-ups will be asserting themselves, and luxury brand street-wear will be ever-present until someone makes it illegal, but the four fads I’ve focused on are the ones to avoid (or indulge in, as the case may be) as you consider your style options. Remember: More is more except when it’s already too much.

Sometimes you spot something on the runway that you just have to have, regardless of how impractical it may seem – cue Gucci’s black leather harness. Part of Alessandro Michele’s Spring ’17 collection, this Italian-made accessory is decorated with rows of gold studs at the fringed shoulders. Adjust the buckles to find your most comfortable fit.

Hahaha! “No matter how impractical.”

Who among us does not want to spend $2,500 to masquerade as a horse?

You know what, fuck it. It speaks for itself. Wear it like this

or you could wear it as you prance around a track.

Maybe Gucci’s creative director finally saw “Secretary”? Is it an S&M thing or a slavery fetish? Do you like the part about “finding your most comfortable fit?” Is it code for DON’T BUY THIS, ARE YOU CRAZY?

Here’s the best part – it’s ‘low in stock.’