Fuck!

Just like you, I’m filled with dread about everything but it would be wrong to overlook these boots. I mean, Jesus Christ. They are Hawaiian Printed Ankle Half Cowboy Boots!

How can this even be?! Only R13 could have come up with this, and then ask for $1,895! Here are the listed details:

Leather: Cowhide
Studded harness detail
Boots
Chunky heel
Buckle at ankle
Pointed toe
Leather sole
Made in Italy
This item cannot be gift-boxed

“Cannot be gift-boxed” for $1,895??? I don’t think so.

And how could they forget to list SPIKES for fucksake?

If any footwear deserved to die, it is these boots. I mean half boots.

Sometimes I go looking for trouble but other times it assaults me when I’m doing what I call Minding My Own Business. These fucking boots are in the second category.

I was scrolling through the new arrivals at farfetch.com when they came at me. What the fuck is wrong with this designer, Natasha Zinko? Everything she makes is a monstrosity, just pure visual hell. If you do a search of the brand at farfetch, you will want to kill her.

Anyway, the stupid sleeve-flaps hanging from this boot…let the website explain.

Much like the designer herself, Natasha Zinko is fun, vibrant and brimming with energy. Her personality undoubtedly shows through each clothing piece. These blue 100 denim-wrapped leather ankle boots from Natasha Zinko feature a pull-on style, a pointed toe, side flap pockets, a cut-out heel, a 100mm high stiletto heel and a leather sole.

The price, $1,313 is also an affront. Why the double 13? Round up or down, motherfuckers.

But then, not content to wallow in the nightmare of the boots, I went looking for one of my favorite tools of self-harm, the ex-wife’s monthly column in her neighborhood paper. This month, she is expounding on the weather.

Try reading it aloud, if you’re alone. Or to your partner, if he wasn’t ever married to her.

How can this be real, the real thoughts and words of a human brain? Each time, I am amazed. Or as she might put it, amazed anew.

God. On the other hand, I’d be sad without the torments of the internet. Wouldn’t you? Or not?

Above, we have the Gianvito Rossi Sock Bootie. What is there to say except Ew, Stop It? $1,o95

Why have just one pattern when there are so many? Why hold back?

This is the May Wong, by Christian Loubouton, adding a touch of racism to a party on heels. I think this one could be described as “fun.” When you walk into a room, someone is bound to scream, “Your boots! What fun!” At $1,695, you get what you pay for. The tassel thingie alone is worth like $500, probably.

Yay for Gucci (above)!  As Gucci continues its Everything and the kitchen sink aesthetic, one is almost disappointed to note that this bootie lacks the snakes, tigers and bees of last season. Let’s not be greedy though. Seven buckles AND a zipper is not nothing. Three different buckle styles plus the tapestry embroidery = a costly migraine. At $2,150, we may be spared the sight of this in real life. The Topshop version will be a manageable headache in comparison.

Next, Tom Ford, who brings sexy back.

Printed calf-hair, gold hardware, peep-toe and open heel, balanced precariously on a spindly stiletto. I’m hearing HELP! What do you hear? $1,590.

Want to spend some real money? Nothing says $$$ like sparkly crystal.

$5,995 for this classy Loubouton platform bootie is not much to spend for this level of sophistication. If anyone mistakes this for a Steve Madden knock off, just stick the red sole in their face.

Now you really want me to stop but I can’t. Here’s the mink pom-poms. They look almost demure at this point, right?

Fendi, $1,150.  That’s ____ per pom-pom. You do the math. Finally, for the win, behold:

Givenchy’s Floral Elegant Ankle Boot deserves the prize for the audacity of using the word Elegant. Way to cheat, Givenchy! It’s a copy of a copy by some brand I can’t remember. Maybe Jeffrey Campbell? I love the gratuitous little studs. $1,450 worth of tired faux punk. Would you wear these for free? Maybe that’s the litmus test.

I’m done. Don’t be mad at me. I’m just here to help.

If you have the energy, please weigh in with your own choice for the win.

DSQUARED2 incorporates rustic aesthetics with luxurious fabrics and embellishments. The Bou Bou biker ankle boots feature a stiletto high heel, open toe and embroidered denim details.

Fine, but what about that pocket thing? Is it a coin purse? Do you hide your Oxycontin in there?

What an abomination. A snap, a zipper, 5.3 inch heels, plaid cotton….add an open toe and somehow, it’s a biker boot.

It’s a little less scary from behind:

And yet, I just want to wipe it off the face of the earth.I want to see it drowning and calling for help as I watch it go under. Is that so wrong?

At $1,355, there is only one pair left at Farfetch. Because ugly has no price.

What the fucking fuck?!

This is one of those times I can’t even begin to can’t even.

Cowboys? Bondage? Turducken? What’s going on here? I want my mommy!

TOM FORD’s boots grounded the debut look on the label’s Fall ’16 runway. Made from supple leather with a stretchy sock-like upper, they have a trio of tonal-brown and black buckled straps and are set on a sleek, sculptural heel. Team yours with midi skirts and cropped tailoring.

Oh please. At $2,450, I could only team them with a lobotomy.

Is Tom Ford insane?

Who can finish this sentence?

These Tom Ford boots are designed for _________________________.

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I was so touched when three separate people sent me links to these stupid cowboy boot thongs. I thought, “Aww, how lovely, when people see grotesque shoes, they think of me!”

But when I read the text, I learned that the boots are the work of some smartass self-styled redneck who’s managed to make a splash on social media with his stupid faux product.

In other words, these boots are not found art like shoes that someone actually considered attractive and wearable. Instead, these fucking boot-things are ironic, get it?

We don’t need ironic ugly things, we’re already drowning in sincere ugly things! Fake ugly things bring no frisson of joy.

This guy’s Facebook page does not indicate what he intends to do with his new fame or whether we can expect other shoe-jokes in the future. But I can only hold him in contempt for intentionally fucking up a pair of boots, and for thinking he could design anything as innocently hideous as these ‘Open-toe Chrystal Boxer Booties’ by Giuseppe Zanotti.

Can you believe how ugly these are?

I really am almost speechless.

It would be like shoving your feet into dead animal carcasses and expecting everyone to admire you for it.

Why the silver studded ’embellishment?’ Is it supposed to represent the dead animal’s collar?

Saint Laurent Patti ankle boots, $1,995.00.  (If Patti Smith were dead, she could join Yves to roll around in his grave with him.)

Look at these stunning over-the-knee boots made of patchwork fur by the always sexy and repellent Tom Ford.

“Purple tone-on-tone dyed astrakhan (Afghan origin) and dyed calf hair (New Zealand origin.)”  Here’s a close up:

If you’re wondering what astrakhan is, designer Dennis Basso says you’re not.

“Women who want something beautiful are only interested in the final product,” he said. “She’s buying fashion. She’s not going into Prada and asking, ‘Where did this come from?’ It’s like when somebody goes and buys a diamond. They’re not asking what mine it came from either.”

But I’ll tell you anyway. Most astrakhan lambs, according to the fur industry, are killed within days or weeks of their birth because as they age, the quality of their wool quickly changes from tightly curled rows to a more coarse and wiry pelt. Oh well, too bad for those lambs, they should be honored to serve Tom Ford’s vision.

I wish Neiman Marcus offered styling advice like Net-a-Porter does, but you’ll have to wing it on your own.

$3775.00

This typically ugly “hiker wedge bootie” by Jeffrey Campbell is called Dammit. I have to wonder if it’s their way of rewarding me for tirelessly spreading the joy of the Jeffrey Campbell aesthetic around the world.

However! If   this piece of shit is a tribute to Sister Wolf, I reject it, with all due appreciation.

They can do much, much better, as we know all too well. For example:

Dammit is right! It’s like they didn’t even try!

Fuckers.

At last we can go hiking with the assurance of a twisted ankle. Thanks Jeff!