I praised the shoes and he said they were a collaboration with “a designer named JW Anderson.” He seemed shocked that I knew the designer. Was it because I’m a hundred years old? Or because I was holding this hideous, $250 piece of shit from Topshop??

If you are what you wear, a lot of people are not only nuts, but blind too. I was happy to get this photo but it’s safe to say that most hideous denim exists not as private jokes but as genuine bait for the rich and clueless. It just never stops! Year after year, the denim atrocities flood shopping sites and landfills. It’s the one sure thing after death and taxes.

Here are a few new “pieces” for you to contemplate. If your central aim is to look unattractive, the following will fit the bill:

Classically misconceived shorts by Lowe, featuring the dreaded front pleats, a wide hipped silhouette and an awkward length.$650.

Or for a few more bucks and equally unflattering, these Natalie Ratebisi high-waisted jeans with darts, pleats and camel-toe, just $725.

How about a skirt?

R13 never disappoints when it comes to overpriced pseudo-hipster crap. This stretch-denim leopard-print skirt with chewed edges features an asymmetrical crossover waist. How cute with some fake Dr. Martens and an expensive white T? A bargain at $495.

Now let’s see what the luxury designers are doing with denim, starting with Carolina Herrera.

Front slits and self-tie waist-sash make these denim pants a baffling choice for any occasion, right? I mean, what would you wear them with? I just can’t even. $1,090.

Unravel is a horrible upscale brand that’s always trying to punk us with their stupid laughable designs, kind of like Y Project and their denim panties. Here’s a key piece for Spring.

All the bells and whistles for $1,145. Fuckers.

Finally, because I’m getting depressed, here’s a jumpsuit by Isabel Marant, the brand that’s supposed to be the essence of French cool-girl style.

At least it looks comfortable, except when you have to pee, of course. Just $550 

Fuck!

Just like you, I’m filled with dread about everything but it would be wrong to overlook these boots. I mean, Jesus Christ. They are Hawaiian Printed Ankle Half Cowboy Boots!

How can this even be?! Only R13 could have come up with this, and then ask for $1,895! Here are the listed details:

Leather: Cowhide
Studded harness detail
Boots
Chunky heel
Buckle at ankle
Pointed toe
Leather sole
Made in Italy
This item cannot be gift-boxed

“Cannot be gift-boxed” for $1,895??? I don’t think so.

And how could they forget to list SPIKES for fucksake?

If any footwear deserved to die, it is these boots. I mean half boots.

What about this Rick Owens clutch bag? As long as all the shit you carry around in your handbag is shaped like an arrow or kebab skewer, this would be super convenient as well as eye-catching. Originally $1,815 but marked down to just $726. Use it as a weapon if worse comes to worse, and you know it will.

Refashioning folklore with the contemporary and an unlikely dash of 80s rock climbing, Chopova Lowena are redefining Bulgarian identity.

Whatever. This jacket is on sale for $945 and it features a removable hood, so it’s more versatile than it looks. You could pretend it came from an old David Bowie video or just turn up your nose and act like you’re an Influencer and you know what’s trending. The best part is that it’s 100% polyurethane and polyester, and you have to dry clean it.

You’re probably thinking, But where’s the denim??

I know I’ve been shirking my denim responsibilities due to Everything, but here’s a personal favorite, the hugely popular and iconic Ksenia Schnaider asymmetrical jeans:

As coveted as they are, according to Dazed, you can get them for only $430 at Shopbop. Just look at the rear view.

Who wouldn’t want to exit a room like this? People will wonder which of your legs is deformed, the thin one or the wide one!

Just be glad I’m here to distract you, people. They also serve who only stand and wait refers to bloggers, above all, I’m pretty sure.

My mental hygiene is not what it should be. I like to watch the news on MSNBC for hours on end, without moving except to scroll through Instagram, clicking like a lab rat, heart heart heart. Last night I stayed up watching TV til 5:am, just to hear more outrage about our beloved leader.

But now the sight of these jeans has cleared the cobwebs away, so to speak. I once knew a woman who said she needed to “get laid” every so often just to clear the cobwebs away. Isn’t that awful? No wonder I can’t remember her name. But I remember when she said it. It was an instant deal-breaker.

Anyway, behold. These “Tulle-trim crystal-embellished straight-leg jeans” by Germanier are $764 but already sold out in my size. Shit. Here is the rear view.

Sustainable label Germanier repurposes glittering silver and black crystals which would have otherwise gone to waste to create these playful blue high-rise jeans. Cut to a slim, straight silhouette, they’re trimmed with black tulle which drapes elegantly down the side. Style them with a white T-shirt for an ultra-contemporary look.

Wait, huh? Aren’t they still going to waste??? And what do they mean by “elegant”? Well, who cares, truth is beauty and beauty is truth.

If you REALLY have balls, denimwise, you would forget the jeans with tulle and go straight to this:

Junya Watanabe knows how to bring the crazy. Just feast your eyes! When you walk into a room wearing this, you’ll know where that extra money went.

Short sleeve layered long dress in faded indigo denim and white cotton jersey. Asymmetric construction featuring tulle trim, lace detailing, pleats, and raw edge at hem. Rib knit crewneck collar. Half-zip closure at front. Zippered vent at side-seam. Silver-tone hardware. Tonal and contrast stitching in tan.

Part nurse, part fairy princess, part mental patient, you will be the center of attention at any event, for $2,415…but not if you’re a size large because that is sold out. Good, because a Large woman would be especially resplendent in this dress, don’t you think?

Okay then. You’re welcome! I’ll be back with some other shit before you know it.

Only a seasoned brand-whore would think of spending $1,375 for these awful jeans by Brunello Cucinelli. Your friends would have to be able to recognize the designer, who

operates from a restored 14th century castle in Solomeo, Italy (in fact, he restored the entire village). The line has expanded beyond the initial coveted cashmere to include designs for men and women

to justify the expense. Otherwise, people would just assume you were a homeless person wearing a factory reject from Sears. For $1,375, you get the following:

• • Drawstring waistband.
  • Patch pockets with monili trim.
  • Back button pockets.
  • Relaxed fit.
  • Tapered, wide legs.
  • Pull-on style.
  • Cotton.
  • Made in Italy.

I don’t know what monili trim is, and I don’t care. I do know that for normal humans under 75, an elastic waist on jeans is the kiss of death.

A newer, more fashion-forward brand is Sacai, who really brings it with these distressed high rise boyfriend jeans.

These were $855 but now reduced to just $256.50. So much bang for your buck, I hardly know where to begin.

Part of the brand’s Spring ’18 collection, these boyfriend jeans are cut from substantial denim. They’re thoroughly deconstructed: from the asymmetric paneling to the mint-lined rips, to the gathered puffs of fabric that peek out from under the cuffs.

What does “mint-lined rips” mean? I see there’s something swashbuckling or piratey going on here, and that’s not a plus. Here’s how it looks on a model:

So much attention to extraneous detail! Do these jeans say, “Hey, I’ve got money!” or “Please forgive me?”

This next pair makes me sad. First, because DUH, and second, because Escada has been over for years and years but won’t let go. It’s time, Escada. Pull the plug.

God. “Live Laugh Love.” On your jeans. I want to cry.

In case you bought these but you worried that people might overlook your statement, you could spring for the coordinating t shirt.

Live, laugh, eat, pray, be your best self.  Just don’t broadcast it, for fucksake.

Today’s poets could find inspiration in this denim playsuit by Faith Connexion. What a force of nature, or maybe cynicism, is this contraption! The long plaid thing is attached, not merely an afterthought. Nothing could be more chic.

See how it drags behind you like the train of a wedding gown! Or is it a peacock tail? Notice the versatility: You can tie the sleeves around your wait or just let them hang helplessly at your side.

And when you make your exit, all eyes will be glued to the plaid thing, regal yet casual, like the grunge queen you are.

Don’t just take my word for it, here’s the editor:

This blue denim playsuit from Faith Connexion is elevated from youthful staple into edgy statement with a floor-skimming black and white plaid shirt attached to the waist. The long sleeves anchor the impact while a small pointed collar keeps it sharp.

At just $1,755 plus shipping, it is selling out fast.

If you don’t love this, I want to know why. Leave your complaints in the form of a sonnet.

Let’s say you’re going out and you put on a long coat. You know how you always wish that somehow people could see through it? Even if it was just a window to show your waist and hips? This denim coat by Bless is the answer!!! A vinyl section all around the middle will make you glad you skipped breakfast and lunch. $1,050 and available only in size small.

For warmer weather, how about some shorts?

Why wear regular denim cut-offs when for just a bit more money, you can get a pair of shorts that have been chewed by teething babies in Sri Lanka? All your friends will think you’ve had these for years and years, and they will fucking love you for it.  $365 by R13.

Boots are really In now, especially high ones.

Don’t laugh.

These Balmain boots cost $2,950 even if they look like something you would turn down for $20 at Prostitutes ‘R Us. They have all the bells and whistles, including the sexy and practical open-toe. Pleeeeeeeeease get them, somebody.

How great would it be to wear the boots with this skirt???

Why choose between denim and leather when you can have both? Alexander Wang is so desperate, I mean inventive, that he’s created a hybrid for just $995. Size large and X-large are sold out,  because who could rock this better than a full figured gal?

I know you’d rather have an Oscars Exegesis but I don’t want to think about it tonight. I will get to it, and the key word will be *intersectional*.

There is no joy like the joy of awful denim, so let me joy in peace, alright?

Everything is horrible and more horrible by the minute. We’re not going to be ready for the next outrage unless we stop and take a breath. Some may want to stop and smell the roses, but I prefer a bracing poke in the eye … like these pumps from Jimmy Choo.

Remember when the brand was the epitome of glamor and wealth? Ew!

How much stupider could a shoe be? From this angle, it looks like you’re walking in a box.

Here, it just looks l;like you stepped in black toilet paper. If anyone complains, you can just scream, “THESE ARE FUCKING BOWS, OK, AND THEY COST $745, MOTHERFUCKER!”

Jimmy Choo is not just a one-trick pony. Check out these new boots:

This is a collaboration with Off-White, a brand that thinks you’ll spend anything for a sweatshirt. I love the look of your stockings falling down around your boots! So clever.

They remind me of the time I was a flower girl at a wedding, wearing my very first pair of stockings, and no one told me that you needed a garter belt to hold them up. Every step down the aisle was excruciating. Like these boots. It was humiliating, but at least I wasn’t out $1,795.

Designed to appear like it’s been sliced from the top of your favorite jeans, this faded blue version has frayed edges and exposed pockets. It looks even cooler with a slim leather strap over the top.

I’d say it’s not “designed to appear” like the top of some jeans, but actually IS the top of some jeans. Should we run out to Goodwill and buy some jeans for $9 and cut off the  top?? We would be saving $441!  Here’s how to wear it:

See how cute??

What couldn’t you wear this with, you know? Imagine transforming a dress or coat with this Denim Waist Belt. Or, if you have no imagination, you might just wear it over the same brand’s Distressed Oversized Jeans:

Made in Italy from rigid denim, they have an intentionally baggy, oversized fit and are shredded through the front for a ’90s grunge feel.

After 50 million versions of shredded jeans, they still expect us to bite? At $675? You could just get these on a sale rack at Sears. Together, these two “pieces” would cost over $1,000. I like their chutzpah at Unravel Project. Good for them.

These look fresh for spring, because ruffles:

I love that they’re asymmetrical, and I can only hope they bounce around when you walk. $522.50 at Saks.

Pushing the ugly, excessive overkill aesthetic, Dolce & Gabbana brings us this:

Cotton blend denim with painted floral and leopard motif

Ew. Are they really painted? They’re nearly sold out at $1,875. Are they made with Kylie Jenner in mind or what? Is there still a segment of Eurotrash who would wear these at a club in Las Vegas? I need more information to grasp the brand’s concept here.

Finally, brought to you by Greg Lauren, our go-to guy for the truly audacious and reprehensible, a jacket:

Greg Lauren’s snorkel flight jacket is crafted of light blue heavily distressed cotton denim and trimmed at the butterfly hood with faux fur.

Haha, Greg, what’s a snorkel flight jacket? There is so much going on here, I can’t even itemize the features that add up to $3,125 worth of eyesore.  But I’ll try.

Fading. Paint splatter. Bleach stains. Holes. Rip details. Button-and-loop storm placket. Butterfly hood with faux-fur trim. Rib cuffs with chewed edges. Fake blanket lining. A shitload of buttons or rivets or whatever they are.

The rear-view is a nice coda:

BAM!

You can get this on sale at Barneys if you hurry.

There’s always an element of surprise that comes with Sacai’s signature cut-and-paste technique – nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems. Take this denim jacket for example, which can be transformed from classic to statement-making in seconds. It’s been skilfully made in Japan and is detailed with zipped panels along the sleeves that can be unfastened to create a cool cape-effect silhouette.

It’s hard to argue with the “element of surprise,” as in “Oh my god, what the fuck is going on with this jacket!” Is it trying to look like a manta ray or a vagina?

What do they mean it  can be “transformed from classic to statement making“? How do you get this thing to look classic? Maybe it looks classic to a sea creature or in a parallel universe.

Let’s try the rear view:

Less disturbing from the back, it gives the impression of an accident, like something ripped open. Looking like you’ve been in an accident is probably a good conversation-starter. I don’t know. I feel sorry for that naked vulnerable arm.

$850 dollars feels just right, doesn’t it? But hurry, it’s low in stock.