Okay, so I bought another pair of black boots but I swear to god this is the last time. I can actually walk in them because of the big hidden platform. Not that I’ll wear them or anything, but if I did, I’d be capable of walking.

I saw them at Oak but I decided to look around and found them for $86 less at Karmaloop.com, which turned out to be an eye-popping bonanza of cool and awful delights. I love this model, who’s kind of a gangsta Amy Winehouse with bulging implants.

Not only that, but there are Tripp jeans in every possible variety of plaid, vinyl, and leopard print, as well as basic black. The jewelry includes a necklace that says “I Love Me” in braille. Better yet is this fake Chanel chain belt by a brand called Office Tramp.

This bondagey leather belt thing reminds me of Susie B’s cage skirt, and from behind it appears to be an effective butt-lifter, too.

Even if you’ve sworn off shopping or you’re way too old to dress like a slut or a homegirl, it’s fun to click your way through so much wacky and inappropriate merchandise. Plus, everything is 30% off.

Remember Starving Girl and Implant Girl from Shopbop?   Well, I’m happy to introduce Starving Implant Girl from Revolve Clothing. I’m on their mailing list, which means I am bound by duty to spend long hours every week, clicking on the new arrivals. It can be exhausting, let me tell you.   So it’s good when they throw me a crumb, like this poor model. She has so little body fat, you can see tendons in her hips.   But the boobs are so natural! (Just kidding!)