My cyber-friend and adopted daughter Annemarie has generously pointed me to a treasure trove of pretentious fashion gibberish that reads like a buzzword generator.

In fact, the high-end shopping site Ssense has just launched such a generator and it’s fun to play with. It needs more variables to be top-notch but I like to see a designer fashion site with an actual sense of humor.

The site Annemarie recommended has zero awareness of it’s over-the-top pompousness, and that is its gift to us. Here is Lagarconne‘s tumbler blog expounding on a pair of frumpy black dresses:

With a quirky disposition linked to techie dressing, the mock neck is noted for its scientific past, yet finds new function as a clever tool in the construction of occasionwear. Elegantly revisited, the detail lends analytical air to ultra-sleek fabrics, taking modernity back a step with skilled wit. When cut in silk or satin, the style adds bookish refinement, creating streamlined classics by way of cerebral calculation. From Marni, the neckline gives engineered structure to fluid stretch silk, while The Row further exemplifies the neckline’s transformative powers,lending academic grounding to surfer-influenced attire. From cubicle to catwalk, the mock neck makes new headway as a fool-proof formula for optimum sophistication.

Jesus Christ, right? What are they on over there?

Here’s the prose inspired by a grey sweatshirt and baggy cropped pants:

Baggier shirts and widened trousers often instill an unconscious urge for slimmer pairings. Japanese label, Blue Blue Japan, breaks this habit in considered refusal of the customary approach. By pairing the classic crewneck sweatshirt with cropped culottes in signature indigo denim, an effortless balance arises. In a duplicated slack, each item mirrors the other. Nipped only slightly at the hips, a band of knit ribbing adds no constriction, simply linking the unfettered forms.

‘Considered refusal‘ is killing me. I’m even impressed by ‘slimmer parings.’

I sort of want to master this language, particularly as there are no discernible rules except to string along descriptive words with terms from random academic disciplines like philosophy, architecture and engineering.

So far, I suck at it. I feel like I have no aptitude for it but I’ve been listening to that maniac Joel Osteen on the radio, who insists that a positive attitude is all you need to make your dreams come true, like having a baby when you’re sterile or sending your wife’s cancer into remission.

Never mind about him. Let’s have fun.

Here’s an unremarkable, dowdy-looking pair of shoes from La Garconne. They are priced at $685 but don’t let that determine your reaction. The goal is to create a flowing description that leaves the potential shopper feeling daunted, mystified, slightly shamed but filled with avarice.

I’ll be working on my caption but let’s see yours!

The winner will be will be selected by votes, and the prize will be something either stupid or good, whichever seems most appropriate.

An anonymous commenter suggested that I have been Needlessly Savage toward other, younger bloggers.   I don’t understand the word “needlessly” in this context. And I can’t really attack older bloggers, because Ha, there aren’t any!

Anonymous (and I know who you are because I can see your IP,) help me out. Who are the bloggers I should champion? Just point me to them! God knows I am always looking for something interesting to look at or read.

I’m finding that style-driven blogs are falling into two camps, and I’m sorry about using “driven” like that. I’ve already complained about the Clueless Goth blogs here, and I’m standing with those complaints. If you can judge a blog by its comments, these are the worst by far. The “Fuck yeah!”, “Hell yeah!” and “Sick!” quotient is just off the chart. The accompanying blogrolls are full of like-minded girls who love the word “black.” Is it mean to make fun of this shit? Fuck yeah! But you’re tough, you leather-and-chain girls, you can take it.

The other camp I will have to call the So What Blogs. They are the work of average looking women who want you to look at their average looking outfits all the time. They have nothing to say and they don’t say it with any distinction. They sometimes show us pictures of themselves drinking with friends or taking vacations. It’s the kind of stuff that only their families would care about. When they stop posting for a few days, they apologize, like the whole world was gasping like a fish out of water in their absence from the blogosphere. (Sorry about the word blogosphere.)

The one blog that stands above all the rest is Kingdom of Style, and it’s the one I would miss the most on a desert island. The Queens never waste my time, and they’ve created an atmosphere of grown up creativity that always gives me a lift. My friendship with the Queens has been one of the chief perks of blogging. If I ever make it to Loch Ness (one of the 5 things on my bucket list)(sorry about bucket list), I’ll be stopping off first at Marie’s house for a cup of tea.

Is there a great blog out there that I’ve been missing? I promise not to be Needlessly Savage about any recommendations.

…who buys this crocodile “tail coat” jacket by Balmain, for $74,000.   Who will it be? Beyonce? Rihanna?

Someone will turn up wearing this, right? It’s fierce, killing it, bla bla bla.

Look at this bingo card I made here.   If you’re looking at a fashion website or blog and you see any 5 words in a row, you can yell “BINGO!”

“I’m all about a leopard shoe right now. I’ll wear these high/low style with a worn-out tee and skinnies”

-Maureen, copywriter. ( re Pedro Garcia shoes )

How many things are wrong with this statement from today’s front page at Shopbop, in a feature called Shopbop Obsessions?

This is what’s ruining online fashion for me. I can’t take the jargon. It is killing me. I am almost numb to the use of “rock” as a synonym for “wear.” But not quite. I can’t bear the word “obsessed’’ used as a substitute for I Love. When I read the words “I’m obsessed with this new lipstick by NARS,” I picture some girl who can’t stop thinking about the lipstick, maybe even stalking the lipstick for all I know. Can’t the term “obsession” still keep its meaning?   “Awesome” used to mean something, too. Now, if you see the Northern Lights or the Grand Canyon, you will need to say “The sight was breathtaking.” Awesome is what you say now when someone says “Dinner’s ready.”

I can’t stand the infantilisms either. The Brits do it more for some reason, but the US is catching up. Hoodie, lippie, cardie, booties, and now, apparently, “skinnies.”   Eeoow! Ugh!

Calling shoes “kicks” may be years old but it still feels like a knife in my stomach when I see this word. How about “mixing it up” as a fashion term? Jesus, am I the only one with an oversensitive ear?

Meanwhile, a “fan” has “suggested” that I am an exhibitionist. Okay then! Here’s my favorite photo of 2008, displaying the always popular Sister Wolf Beehive.

I plan to incorporate some of these terms into my everyday conversations. Check out the following definition. I’ll bet you didn’t know that mental images have actual mass and exist in space! Uh-oh!

mental image pictures: three-dimensional pictures which are continuously made by the mind, moment by moment, containing color, sound and smell, as well as other perceptions. They also include the conclusions or speculations of the individual. Mental image pictures are composed of energy, have mass, exist in space and follow definite routines of behavior, the most interesting of which is the fact that they appear when somebody thinks of something.