Yesterday I bought a pair of Levi’s with tummy control. It was a milestone. And a defeat.

You know all those commercials about “belly fat?” And maybe you say to yourself, Ew, what a slob, I wouldn’t let that happen to me!

But after a certain age, your tummy appears out of nowhere. You used to worry about your thighs or something, but you never gave a thought to your tummy. When you look down and realize you’re on your way to becoming a sumo wrestler, it’s too late.

So now I still wear the same size but it isn’t the same. I hate it. I can’t wear a fitted t shirt or everyone will know. At home, I can sit on the couch and mourn the rolls of flab, resigned to the fact that they aren’t going anywhere. I perk up at the new ads about Cool Sculpting, a procedure that promises to freeze and evaporate your tummy fat.  If only! I think it would be worth a few thousand to have a  flat stomach again.

And yet, how could you do that, knowing there are starving refugees living in tents without anything? Your flat stomach would be a sin against humanity. So instead of sinning against humanity, I went to try on the new Levi’s.

Sure enough, they hold your tummy in, with an extra layer of something. They look just like regular skinny jeans. Whereas those Not Your Daughter’s jeans are cut for elephants and are super unflattering. I bought the new Levi’s, even though I was horrified that they cost $98. Ninety-eight dollars may be a transgression verging on sin, especially given the stacks of jeans in my closet.

Later at home, I tried on my new jeans. I noticed that they smelled funny. Not funny, but awful. An awful chemical smell that I couldn’t quite identify. So I took off the tags and hand-washed them in cold water. Then I rinsed them with Downy. Then I put them in a warm dryer. When I took them out, they still smelled awful.

I asked my husband to smell them, even though he hates being ordered to smell things. He thought he smelled cleaning fluid.

I’m going to exchange the jeans, unless all the tummy-control Levi’s smell like cleaning fluid, as a punishment for my vanity. Maybe I am double cursed with a tummy roll AND a heightened sensitivity to smell. (see hyperosmia.) But what’s a person supposed to do? Just go around like that and embrace the aging process?

I reject the aging process. I would rather cut off my head than have grey hair. I don’t want to get flappy arms. I don’t want to deal with it at all.

Have you seen Elon Musk’s mother in her new ads for Cover Girl? She’s got the white crew-cut and the dark lipstick, and she smugly declares in her murderous South African accent:

They say at a certain age, you just stop caring. I wonder what age that is.

Complaining about Maye Musk to my sister, who hadn’t seen the ads, I showed her some pictures on my phone and noted that she’s 69 years old. My sister exclaimed, “Is that all? She looks much older!”

I felt a bit better about my tummy fat. I guess as long as I have Elon’s mother, I can carry on. But I still want the jeans.

Designed to appear like it’s been sliced from the top of your favorite jeans, this faded blue version has frayed edges and exposed pockets. It looks even cooler with a slim leather strap over the top.

I’d say it’s not “designed to appear” like the top of some jeans, but actually IS the top of some jeans. Should we run out to Goodwill and buy some jeans for $9 and cut off the  top?? We would be saving $441!  Here’s how to wear it:

See how cute??

What couldn’t you wear this with, you know? Imagine transforming a dress or coat with this Denim Waist Belt. Or, if you have no imagination, you might just wear it over the same brand’s Distressed Oversized Jeans:

Made in Italy from rigid denim, they have an intentionally baggy, oversized fit and are shredded through the front for a ’90s grunge feel.

After 50 million versions of shredded jeans, they still expect us to bite? At $675? You could just get these on a sale rack at Sears. Together, these two “pieces” would cost over $1,000. I like their chutzpah at Unravel Project. Good for them.

These look fresh for spring, because ruffles:

I love that they’re asymmetrical, and I can only hope they bounce around when you walk. $522.50 at Saks.

Pushing the ugly, excessive overkill aesthetic, Dolce & Gabbana brings us this:

Cotton blend denim with painted floral and leopard motif

Ew. Are they really painted? They’re nearly sold out at $1,875. Are they made with Kylie Jenner in mind or what? Is there still a segment of Eurotrash who would wear these at a club in Las Vegas? I need more information to grasp the brand’s concept here.

Finally, brought to you by Greg Lauren, our go-to guy for the truly audacious and reprehensible, a jacket:

Greg Lauren’s snorkel flight jacket is crafted of light blue heavily distressed cotton denim and trimmed at the butterfly hood with faux fur.

Haha, Greg, what’s a snorkel flight jacket? There is so much going on here, I can’t even itemize the features that add up to $3,125 worth of eyesore.  But I’ll try.

Fading. Paint splatter. Bleach stains. Holes. Rip details. Button-and-loop storm placket. Butterfly hood with faux-fur trim. Rib cuffs with chewed edges. Fake blanket lining. A shitload of buttons or rivets or whatever they are.

The rear-view is a nice coda:

BAM!

You can get this on sale at Barneys if you hurry.

These jeans are so spectacularly awful and egregious that I consider them a true game-changer.

They raise the awfulness-bar to a level I don’t expect to see exceeded in my lifetime.

They are beyond idiotic, beyond revolting, and just stupefying in every respect.

Should I order them, take some photos, and send them back?? Before you answer, check out the rear view:

Hahaha!  The designers at R13 are insane!

Here’s the Shopbop description.

An overlay with raw edges completely covers these destroyed R13 jeans, lending an avant-garde touch to the silhouette. 5-pocket styling. Single-button closure and zip fly.

An avant-garde touch, eh?

Imagine showing up anywhere in this atrocity. It might be worth the $795 just to see the fear in people’s eyes…and yet no.

These jeans by Cosmic Wonder are made of “used unprocessed” selvedge denim, with embroidered patchwork detail at the hem. (Notice how nicely the hem hangs in the photo below.)

Complete this sentence:

These jeans are worth $805 because ______________.

These Al Wang slit-knee jeans are worth $345 because __________________.

at Shopbop

~

*this post is for David Duff, who models his new sarong here.

Alex Wang expects you to pay $395 for a pair of jeans with a swipe of paint down the sides.

“These dirty-wash straight-leg jeans feature foil accents at the sides. 5-pocket styling and single-button closure. Mild distressing and worn edges.”

As if, Alex. You are THIS   CLOSE to being Cunt of the Week.

“Levi’s red 1st giant fit jean from the first Levi’s red collection in blue denim.

This jean is the oversized fit of the 3 different fits from this collection.

The features of this jean are the cinch back, the low 1 back pocket and the huge seat that flows into the extra wide ergonimic legs.

This pair has never been washed and was worn consistently for around six years before having to be put to bed in the archive due to the smell that it gives off once it gets slightly warm.

Size: 32″ W x 32″ L

* Please be aware that this product is second hand and has been worn. Although it’s been treated with love it may show signs of wear and tear – we hope you understand that this isn’t a fault, it adds to the individual story of each piece.”

$4,192.65

Get them here.

If someone wearing these jeans came galloping toward me, I’d have a stroke. Don’t they remind you of a satyr from Greek mythology? Or are they just hideous?       (Cheap Monday, $87 at Shopbop)

Less Dionysian but grotesque in its own right is this suede number that would probably look more acceptable with the butt cut out, at least for a gay rodeo.     (Haute Hippie, $695, Shopbop)

Stupid and laughable, yes, but I know a trend when I see one. I’m going to call this look “Tragic Mountain Goat” unless someone’s got a better idea.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Nothing, until you find out it’s a one-piece “romper.”

Isn’t that just inexplicably horrible?!

I’m not sure why it’s so horrible, but the first thing that comes to mind for some reason is the problem of getting undressed with a lover.   The shock, the confusion….IT’S ONE PIECE! Eooowwwww.

And you can’t even pull up the saggy jeans with a belt. It just creeps me out.

If you’re creeped out too, can you explain why?

I’ve never stopped loving Levi’s, same as disneyrollergirl and my friend Mark (who has curated 60 pairs.) Levi’s has always been around, making high quality jeans that almost anyone can afford.   Once in a while they collaborate with big names like Comme des Garcons, House of Holland, and Andy Warhol.

Their new collaboration with Gaultier proves that you CAN wear denim with denim, since these two pieces can be purchased separately but look perfect together.

I’m not too sure what’s going on with these harem pants but clearly they would obscure one’s flat asymmetrical ass with all that fabric.

I would hoard wear these things if only I had some money. Later on I’d probably have to sell them on eBay but I’d still love to get my hands on them.