“Boyfriend/girlfriend Hipster Leggings.”

$97 – shopbop.

What more could you ask for, besides antlers?

The insults never stop. ” Jeggings” seemed like a true winner in the Awful New Fashion Jargon category, easily on a par with “Shooties.”

But Stylebop has gone that extra mile with “Jeggins.”

Are they trying to kill me?!?

On the same topic, a popular blogger has recently posed the question, Should a blogger be allowed to censor or eliminate negative comments? The answer of course is, Only if the blogger is a coward or fascist. In the long thread of obsequious comments, however, fifty thousand lackeys offer some version of support, in the form of the same banal manifesto against “mean people.”

Nearly every comment includes the phrase “that being said” or “at the end of the day.”

Mean People Suck, right? It says so on the bumper sticker. As long as they don’t write “at the end of the day” though, they are a breath of fresh air compared to breathless ass-kissers. If you can’t stand up to a comment, no mater how rude or stupid, why bother blogging at all?   Just keep a personal diary and stop taking up bandwidth.

Here is the KEY LOOK for Fall, modeled by Shopbop’s new model, Rumer 2.0, featuring the all important shaggy fur jacket. Yes, this is the very same faux fur immortalized by Sea of Shoes and Her Mom in Vogue magazine! I’ll wait here while you race to order it from Intermix.

Okay, are you back? So, the aim for Fall is to look like a 70’s era hooker. Pretend you’re an extra in Taxi Driver. It’s all about trashy fierceness.   Be sure to throw in something sequined, “from super shiny to uber-destroyed.”

Torn, shredded skinnies topped with more torn crap:   “As you move into fall you will need to upgrade from your ripped, ravaged and shredded tee to the sweater version of this red hot trend. Kimberly Ovitz creates it here for you in a relatively heavy sweater knit. In black.”

Thanks, Kimberly! $795 at Intermix.

We’re almost done! Once you’ve got the fierce skinnies, studded boots, ripped l——s, military jacket, fake fur and layers of boyfriend t-shirts, PILE ON some twisted up chain necklaces with fun amulets like daggers, skulls, talons, and the kitchen sink. Here’s a good prototype, by Fallon, $145.

Now you’re ready to hit the streets, with or without your pimp. WAIT, did I forget to say leather?!? Sorry. Leather leather leather leather. Biker leather, asymetrical leather, studded leather, moto leather, leather leather.

This is what happens when you stay up too late. You start looking at shit on the Karmaloop website. Pretty soon you don’t know what to think.   Here’s their exclusive Catfight Jeans, only around   $50-something dollars.

Here’s the Exclusive Brianel l******s, which I’m sure many girls love for their irony factor. Can’t remember what they cost.

Finally, for $80, here’s a dead thing that is available only in VERY LIMITED QUANTITIES, so hurry the hell up and order yours right now!

Your rocker chic look will revolve around the leather dress. These two are at Intermix.   Haha, I already have mine.

I’ve got my over-the-knee leather boots and my six leather jackets. Now all I’m missing are the leather you-know-whats (I’ve decided never to use the word “leggings” again, after reading this account of an idiotic personal struggle over them.)

Is there another word I can use? “The L-word” is already taken.   I need suggestions.

“A skirt and leggings in one, these acid-wash leggings feature a ruched miniskirt overlay and slash detail at legs.”

YES!   The Shopbop copywriter is back on her game!

Dear Jack,

I thought you should know that Shopbop is selling these Kerouac Ripped Leggings, named after you.   Try not to take it too personally, they once had a dress named after Sylvia Plath.

I should confess that I never liked your writing or even your whole mythology, although I do love your pal William Burroughs. But I did go to see that long role of paper you used to write “On the Road.”   Did you know that in the Strand bookstore in NYC, they keep “On the Road” behind the counter, due to its appeal to thieves? I guess your book is the literary equivalent of the Gillette Mach 3 razors you have to ask for at CVS and Rite Aid.

Please accept my apology for the leggings. Maybe some day, Rumi might wear them! Then, your life will not have been in vain.

Sincerely,

Sister Wolf

If you’re not in a coma, you already know that you’ll be rocking some leather leggings this winter, no matter what. They sold out at Topshop in around five minutes, but too bad for you. You may have to buy the ones by the Olsen twins, or the ones by Rag and Bone. The leather leggings at net-a-porter are already sold out too, but you can get the equally slutty PVC leggings while you wait for a new shipment.

Here is an enticing description of them:

“Amp up your rock kudos with the cult-status Les Chiffoniers PVC leggings. A sleek pant which definitely calls for some serious stilettos!”

Personally, I am against marching in lock-step with the Fashion Nazis, even when the It Item is something I actually like. I hate being told what to do! Just ask my husband, or anyone I’ve ever worked for. And god knows I don’t want to amp up my rock kudos!

So I won’t be rocking the leather leggings. But how about rocking some sequin leggings instead?! They will go with anything in your wardrobe, especially if you’re an off-duty pole-dancer or a Las Vegas showgirl.

You can get them at Intermix. Or if you really want to get some attention, what about these “genie pants?”

You can get these hideous pants at Shopbop, where I feel so at home that the models are like old friends, only I hate them.

Were you worried that I forgot to mention Mrs. P, the bane of my existence? Well, worry not. Here is a brief round-up while you’re waiting for our Monday night PAP Smear meeting (and the new shipment of leather leggings….)

1. Mrs. P just got caught telling a great big ol’ lie! SNAP!
2. The First Dude is flouting the law in Alaska.
3. They even hate Mrs. P in Uganda! That bitch cuts a wide swath.
4. I have begin to crack the Palin Code! Bristol really means ‘pistol’ and Trig is short for ‘trigger!’ Isn’t this exciting! That’s as far as I got, but I know annemarie will work out the rest.

When was the last time you heard the word ‘pig’ so often? When you grabbed a bay’s toes and went “This little piggie went to market…?” Or when you saw the movie “Babe?”

Recently, I was blessed with a huge squishy pig that my BFF got me for my birthday, from Squishable.com.

I love this huge piggie! Piggies are so wonderful, why must piggies be maligned by Grandpa, whose own former press secretary wrote a book called “Lipstick on a Pig?!”

Pigs are certainly nicer than rats. But for some reason I was suckered into buying some legging things called “Black Rats” by Sass and Bide, who may have been inspired by another Aussie company, Ksubi, who made news by releasing hundreds of black rats down the aisle during their first runway show in 2001.

I honestly don’t know what made me buy these things, because they are ruched from waist to toe, and will thus make me look like a fat….well, something fat. You may be wondering why I keep buying things I’ll never wear, and I can only say that shopping is about Owning and Collecting, as Vogue magazine used to explain in the 60s.

Funnily enough, I also Own and Collect red lipstick, which is My Signature.

I was thinking of posting a photo of me wearing the Black Rats, a lot of lipstick, and holding my piggie, but that would involve too much effort. Just picture it in your mind’s eye. Then, picture Grandpa turning to Mrs. P and saying proudly, “That’ll do, Pig.”

I love this company because they sell Leggie-Legs, a garment they describe as:

“Think of them as a cross between leg-warmers and some kind of fucked-up disco pants.”

Okay! I also like these hot-pants. I don’t know who can actually wear these fashions but I’m thinking Diablo Cody might like them. I’m kind of mad at her, because I feel I could’ve been her, if only I’d been a stripper and written a good screenplay.