Think again.

Why can’t I feel bad for poor Lindsay?

I think it’s the duck lips. They just make me mad. Who asked her to get these lips? She messed up her face out of sheer greed! She had nice lips, but were they enough for her? No.

If a jail sentence prevents her from starring in a movie about poor Linda Lovelace, so be it. Maybe she can even get sober.

When I saw this photo of Lindsay Lohan taking a bow at the disastrous Ungaro show, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for her. Look at the emotions playing upon her worn-out face:   “They love me!” “I’ve finally arrived!” “Now Sam will be sorry!”

She doesn’t even realize how much everyone hates her or how much ridicule she’s about to endure. She is totally, monumentally clueless. The bulging lips are the icing on the cake, as it were.

But check out this Ungaro model. No one bothered to get her a feeding tube, with all the commotion about how awful the clothes were.

Poor girl! I’ll bet you anything that when she looks in the mirror, she sees a fat pig.   This isn’t Lindsay’s fault, even though Lindsay has a lot to answer for. Like the beaded white tuxedo jacket she wore to court today, which I’ve seen at net-a-porter and a bunch of other high-end shopping sites.

The truth is, I just can’t hate LL any more. She has exhausted my reserve of hatred for her and I need to move on.   Her sister might be a good candidate. Or maybe Kate Bosworth? Kate Bosworth hasn’t done anything offensive per se, but her pointlessness is starting to get to me.

Nominations, anyone?

Obviously, the first question is nonsensical. But the other question bothers me. Just now, I followed some fashion links to some new photos of Lindsay Lohan, topless. My first thought upon looking at her face was: This girl is spent. Literally. She’s been used up and she has nothing left to offer but her nude body for the purpose of porn.

The poor girl has been through everything, at such a young age! She looks like she’s at the brink of starvation, but since she still has tits, she’ll flaunt them. I find it very depressing.

Is it pornography to watch a young celebrity flame out and burn? Is Girls Gone Wild pornography? Are kids really posting nude photos of themselves on their mySpace pages? Is porn ever healthy? Is there anything we haven’t seen yet, or shouldn’t see?

When I first learned to use a computer, the girl I worked with immediately set out to show me some notorious video of a woman having sex with a donkey. I hoped she wouldn’t find it. She did show me a photo of an old lady using a dead fish for something….it wasn’t good, although it was somewhat shocking.

Another office, more searches for porn. My (female) boss and I laughed hysterically at photos of women with two cocks in their mouths. We went to massive cocks dot com and laughed some more.

That is really the totality of my experience with online porn. Is there something wrong with me?

I don’t think I’m prudish. I just don’t want to get depressed. Now I hear there’s a very popular website where people upload pictures of their own faces during orgasm. I don’t get why it’s popular! Why would I want to see what some stranger looks like when they come?

I’m wondering if the world is made up of exhibitionists and voyeurs. And of course a third group, where I fit in. I’m wondering if my problem is that I can’t look at porn without thinking about the motives involved. After I laughed at the girl with two cocks in her mouth, I thought about her mother.

Someone once showed me a website where you could look at women covered in shit. I was very upset and wanted to cry for weeks afterward. I know this is not an example of whatever’s considered mainstream or arty porn, but the whole new world of porn at our fingertips is distressing to me. Even more than distressing, it’s sad.

People who enjoy porn should at least have the decency to shut up about it. Insisting that it’s interesting on any other level is just a denial of its primary purpose. Waxing all intellectual about porn is just absurd, like Camille Paglia pontificating about Madonna.

I hope that young people will still be allowed some innocence about sexuality, so they can discover it with a real live person. Mystery and taboos are there to preserve the holy aspect of sex, and by holy I don’t mean to exclude any practices between two human beings of any gender. Speaking   as an atheist, I still think of sex as a religious experience.

Here’s what Leonard Cohen thinks.

Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room, my secret life
it’s lonely here,
there’s no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that’s an order!

When they said REPENT REPENT …

Comments or arguments, anyone out there?

I can’t understand the proliferation of these ugly long scarves. What’s the deal? If it’s freezing outside, fine, but with a t-shirt in Los Angeles? The scarf thing is now tantamount to the hat thing.

If you’re not Lindsay Lohan or a tracheotomy patient, you don’t need one of these awful scarves.

If you’ve had a tracheotomy, or plan to give Lindsay one, try this instead.

UPDATE   (5-28-08): Ooh, now I see there’s some shit going on over here about Rachel Ray wearing this kind of awful scarf and being compared to a terrorist.   As always, Sister Wolf has her finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist.

Look at this new skirt at shopbop, by Thayer, available for only $253. It’s 100% polyester (so no hookers were killed in the process, I guess.) I love the description: “Destined to become a signature piece.” Ha! I wish I could write copy for shopbop, it would be a dream come true!

I don’t know who would wear Thayer’s Signature Piece, besides Lyndsay Lohan. Or her mom. But I think this four piece get-up for only $34 is a much better value. And it certainly could be someone’s Signature Piece.