One day in the history of our world, the United States voted for a monkey to be their president. In the morning after the election, people cried and asked each other if it really happened. It did happen but it took a while to seem even slightly real.

The monkey was a monkey so it couldn’t even pretend to be a President. It kept being a monkey while people waited for it to transform itself. But it wasn’t magic; it was a regular monkey. So it went around being a monkey and the guys whose jobs depended on its success pretended it was a person.

The monkey became more and more aggressive because there were no zoo keepers to keep it in line. It liked to throw bananas at people, not just important dignitaries but people in pain, and people just trying to do their job. The monkey loved attention. It used to have a TV show called “Look at the Big Monkey,” and it was accustomed to being a star.

Pretty soon, a lot of people worried that the monkey couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a President. Other people said not to worry, there were lots of human people surrounding the monkey who could stop it from doing anything too catastrophic. But the monkey liked to fire the human people and replace them with other monkeys.

Now there was a whole group of monkeys in the White House and in the government. What is the collective noun for monkeys? I’m too busy to look it up.  Maybe later.

People who never wanted the monkey to be President gathered to wring their hands and march in their towns with signs that said NO MORE MONKEY. But the monkey was only amused. It loved seeing signs about itself. It reminded him of his TV show.

Lots of bad stuff happened. The monkey decided to lock up immigrants in cages, so bitter was he about having been born in a zoo. He had other ideas of how to get even with everyone who didn’t like having a monkey in charge.

The time came when the monkey had to travel to speak with other world leaders. Everyone held their breath, hoping the monkey would control itself. But remember, it was a monkey! At home in the US, large groups of citizens would applaud the monkey’s every move. The more it jumped around, the more they applauded. They wanted a goddamed nonstop monkey show and now they had one!

One day, the monkey flew to another country to meet it’s most dangerous adversary. What would it do? Predictably, the monkey defecated and threw its shit everywhere, but not at the adversary.  The monkey was nothing if not a showman. It knew the world would be shocked and even more focused on its crazy antics. It kissed the adversary, just to agitate its detractors even more.

Now there was shit everywhere! Would the guys who loved their jobs be willing to get fired by calling him a monkey? Would they prefer being covered in shit to possible unemployment?

You bet they would! Because…well, just because.

It’s official: Monkeys are the new black. The earrings above are sold out at net-a-porter, even though they just appeared on the website. Shit! Time waits for no man at net-a-porter.

This monkey necklace is also sold out! You’ve just saved $1,220. Net-a-porter says: Amedeo’s monkey cameo is a wonderfully unique adornment. Wear it to lend antique appeal to summer tops and skirts.

I could argue that nothing would lend antique appeal to “tops and shorts” unless they were made in the 19th century but why bother.

Start curating your monkey-themed crap asap! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl is my new favorite TV show. I was put off by the name of the Showtime series but in the end, I simply can’t resist the actress in the title role. Billie Piper is new to me, but evidently she had a career as a teen pop singer in the UK. She also caused a scandal by marrying a creepy DJ/TV presenter named Chris Evans. His fame to me personally rests on the fact that my best friend once encountered him in an elevator, and his greeting to her was: “Nice tits, pet!” (I still enjoy saying this to her, obviously.)

Anyway, then Billie Piper had a role in Dr. Who and some other stuff. Now, in Secret Diary of a Call girl, she carries the entire show with her voice-overs, her comments into the camera, and her big pouty lips.

Her character, Belle, enjoys being a high-priced call girl but she is very sweet and unassuming. In fact, she is so vulnerable, you want to just pet her head the whole time. Even when she walks into a room wearing a bustier and high heels. There is something very wistful and wounded in Billie Piper or her character, I can’t tell which. She is slightly chubby (only slightly!) and her hairline is too low. She has a nice overbite, too.

She looks a little like a monkey, and I know this for a fact because even my husband admitted it. He usually never agrees with anything I say about actresses, like Julia Robert looks like a horse. But last night, his response to my monkey assessment was: “A little bit.”   This is a huge victory in itself.

Last night, Belle had to conduct a foursome with a married couple and her own ex-boyfriend (long story, you will have to watch the show.) Belle was charming, ladylike, lesbitious, slutty, and yet vaguely melancholy throughout. I don’t know how she does it.

Please take my advice and watch this show if you haven’t already. While you’re watching, ask your BF or husband is Billie Piper looks a little like a monkey.