This Balenciaga cape is reduced to $5, 492 and here’s their story:

Demna Gvasalia explores the link between couture and fetishism for Balenciaga’s Spring ’17 collection. Cut from ultra glossy patent-leather, this enveloping cape is bonded with smooth Spandex and finished with a hood. Layer it over jeans and a sweatshirt or create the exact runway look with the label’s blouse and pants.

I think not. Can you believe it comes in sizes, like the fit matters? Behold the rear view.

If you can wait until Halloween, you can replicate this at Walmart for around $2.99.

What about these Prada boots to go with it? Also among the new sale items.

Oh my god, the fucking horror, WHY?! Let them explain:

Prada’s velvet boots are part of the Fall ’16 runway collection, which is inspired by the vagabond woman. They have a glossy red leather wedge heel that’s embellished with a gold anchor, comets and a flower – we love the contrast with the hiking-style laces. Wear yours as the designer intended with these argyle socks.

NO. Never. Not even at $870.

What’s wrong with these designers? Have they been fired yet? Take my advice and go straight to Net-a-Porter, it’s beyond your worst fashion nightmare, a very special treat for the serious connoisseur of aesthetic gaffes.

Sometimes you spot something on the runway that you just have to have, regardless of how impractical it may seem – cue Gucci’s black leather harness. Part of Alessandro Michele’s Spring ’17 collection, this Italian-made accessory is decorated with rows of gold studs at the fringed shoulders. Adjust the buckles to find your most comfortable fit.

Hahaha! “No matter how impractical.”

Who among us does not want to spend $2,500 to masquerade as a horse?

You know what, fuck it. It speaks for itself. Wear it like this

or you could wear it as you prance around a track.

Maybe Gucci’s creative director finally saw “Secretary”? Is it an S&M thing or a slavery fetish? Do you like the part about “finding your most comfortable fit?” Is it code for DON’T BUY THIS, ARE YOU CRAZY?

Here’s the best part – it’s ‘low in stock.’

Just in for fall winter 2015-2016 are these inexplicable sandals by DSquared.

Here are its ‘features’ as written on shoescribe.com:

Fringe
Metal Applications
Solid color
Zip closure
Leather/rubber sole

And yet that tells us nothing. We need those proselytizing editors at net-a-porter to truly capture the atrocity on display here. It’s a biker-cowboy-bondadge mash-up that no one could or should walk in. They don’t even tell you how high that heel is.

Would anyone like to write the editorial description designed to sell (or even explain) this tragic eyesore?

Will you look at this atrocity – WHY, Miu Miu?

This jacket reminds me of everything awful about the 80’s, and actually makes me want to throw up.  What is more sickening that a cropped denim jacket with dropped shoulders?? Wait, I know: a cropped denim jacket with dropped shoulders and a shitload of Bedazzling.

If you think that a denim jacket priced at $5,325 must offer some exquisite hand-sewn detail,  here is a close-up to divest you of that illusion:

Ugh!

This is just a crime against humanity. And brace yourself: it’s sold out.

Before you complain about the $13,776 price tag, consider the close-up view of this vest:

“Take your ___  cues from ___  and wear this  ___  style with  ____ attitude – think  ___  pants  and  ____  heels.”

Replace the missing words (the ones I found most irritating) with better ones!

P.S. My size is sold out.

Here’s a beaded cat-ear headband for $1,290 at net-a-porter, but that’s not the problem.

Here’s the description:

There are so many things wrong in this one paragraph! I counted six word crimes, and you may find that I passed some over in a fleeting moment of generosity.

My favorite is “a set of bold red lips.”  Who has a “set” of lips? Not me. Would a “pair” of lips be better, or is it wiser to just assume that everyone has two lips, as opposed to a single lip or a trio of lips?  If these are the notes of an editor, god help us.

Would anyone like to try making the editor’s notes even worse? (hint: I noticed they omitted  the word “sans,” which is usually a hallmark of this kind of crap.)

Did anyone find more than six grating word crimes? Show your work.

Imagine how upset I was to click on What’s New at net-a-porter only to find that I’d missed out on another impressive statement piece.   Those of you who rely on me for shopping tips, please try to understand.   I’m so busy doing nothing all day that it’s all too easy to shirk my duties.

Anyway, this fancy bustier by Dolce & Gabbana sold out at $13,760. I’m guessing there was only one.

It looks very nice with a simple black pencil skirt.

Why can’t we just decorate a bustier from the lingerie department with a couple of pounds of cheap costume jewelry from a thrift shop or the 99 Cent store? Let’s say the bustier is $50.

The white one comes in black, Macy’s for $55.   The black one is by Carnival, $38.

Another $50 should be enough for a pile of crappy jewelry and beads from a crafts store. Sew the shit on while you’re watching TV or arguing with your husband. Voila! You have saved enough for a new car, or to send your kid to college for one year (assuming you have scholarship money too.)

Now you are a hero instead of a chump! And when you wear it, your husband should prove to be very amiable and quick to see your point of view. A man who is immune to the power of lingerie is not a man worth having.

It’s official: Monkeys are the new black. The earrings above are sold out at net-a-porter, even though they just appeared on the website. Shit! Time waits for no man at net-a-porter.

This monkey necklace is also sold out! You’ve just saved $1,220. Net-a-porter says: Amedeo’s monkey cameo is a wonderfully unique adornment. Wear it to lend antique appeal to summer tops and skirts.

I could argue that nothing would lend antique appeal to “tops and shorts” unless they were made in the 19th century but why bother.

Start curating your monkey-themed crap asap! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Time marches on but some things never change. Bondage skirts are always cool, and here are two that I really want and would never wear. But let me emphasize, I really want them.

On the left, Warhol for Levis, at Barneys. On the right, Mulberry at net-a-porter.