I praised the shoes and he said they were a collaboration with “a designer named JW Anderson.” He seemed shocked that I knew the designer. Was it because I’m a hundred years old? Or because I was holding this hideous, $250 piece of shit from Topshop??

If you are what you wear, a lot of people are not only nuts, but blind too. I was happy to get this photo but it’s safe to say that most hideous denim exists not as private jokes but as genuine bait for the rich and clueless. It just never stops! Year after year, the denim atrocities flood shopping sites and landfills. It’s the one sure thing after death and taxes.

Here are a few new “pieces” for you to contemplate. If your central aim is to look unattractive, the following will fit the bill:

Classically misconceived shorts by Lowe, featuring the dreaded front pleats, a wide hipped silhouette and an awkward length.$650.

Or for a few more bucks and equally unflattering, these Natalie Ratebisi high-waisted jeans with darts, pleats and camel-toe, just $725.

How about a skirt?

R13 never disappoints when it comes to overpriced pseudo-hipster crap. This stretch-denim leopard-print skirt with chewed edges features an asymmetrical crossover waist. How cute with some fake Dr. Martens and an expensive white T? A bargain at $495.

Now let’s see what the luxury designers are doing with denim, starting with Carolina Herrera.

Front slits and self-tie waist-sash make these denim pants a baffling choice for any occasion, right? I mean, what would you wear them with? I just can’t even. $1,090.

Unravel is a horrible upscale brand that’s always trying to punk us with their stupid laughable designs, kind of like Y Project and their denim panties. Here’s a key piece for Spring.

All the bells and whistles for $1,145. Fuckers.

Finally, because I’m getting depressed, here’s a jumpsuit by Isabel Marant, the brand that’s supposed to be the essence of French cool-girl style.

At least it looks comfortable, except when you have to pee, of course. Just $550 

Just look at these gorgeous nails. They are my dream nails, the perfect shape: Almost pointy but not so pointy that the tips keep breaking off.

They belong to George, a great guy who works at Nordstrom, and he was pleased by how much I loved them. They’re his real nails, obviously, and he gets them done at a place on Melrose called Pamper or Pamper Something.

We discussed my own nails, which are kind of oval. As everyone knows, I do my own nails, because I find it relaxing. I admit that it’s hard to make them all the same shape. I like to blame the nail-files but I guess it’s due to handedness and a less than optimal angle.

Here, look, from last winter:

Anyway, I’ve been irrationally proud to say that I’ve NEVER HAD A MANICURE, ever. I will be 65 in a couple of weeks, so that’s more than fifty years of doing my nails. It’s a long streak, and one I didn’t plan to end. I could have it on my gravestone or in my obituary. “She did her own nails.”

BUT! Why not just go get someone to make my nails look more like George’s???

This is my dilemma. If I give in and do it, can I see it as a refutation of stupid, reflexive stubbornness and personal “policies” that have outlived their usefulness? Can I turn it into a triumph somehow? I want to have my cake and eat it too, an expression I hate because it doesn’t even make sense to me.

Or, I can stick to my guns, because I don’t like the idea of paying an immigrant a pittance to service me while working in a toxic atmosphere. It seems so colonialist and fucked up.

Okay, so let’s not vote on how dumb I am, it’s a given. I want you to vote yes or no on getting a manicure.

Hurry up though, I could get a stroke or break my neck trying to tie my shoes (which you can just see in the left-hand corner of George’s beautiful nails.)

I’ve been getting them for a couple of years, and it occurred to me that it might be nice to share them with those of you who don’t have death breathing down your neck, in the form of cremation offers.

The Neptune Society has the market cornered in name recognition. There are many companies that provide the same services for less than half the price, but in California, most people think Neptune Society. In fact, that’s what my mom arranged for herself.

(Remember when she left me one dollar in her will? She thought of everything!)

Inside the envelope is a syrupy letter explaining why you should ease the burden on your loved ones by planning your cremation in advance. There are a lot of euphemisms, naturally, but here’s the essence of the pitch:

Cremation planning grants your family time to grieve your loss and celebrate your life rather than face confusing choices and high costs.

Fuck my family, know what I mean? Let them face the confusing choices, I’m certainly not going to do it for them.

Here’s what I love about the Neptune Society letters – this hilarious insert.

It’s their clever way of getting your phone number so their salespeople can torment you. Because who could resist a PRE-PAID CREMATION! They make it sound like a trip to Hawaii. And why does that guy with the baby look so happy? Did he just win a cremation or did he find out his parents “planned ahead”?

People in my neighborhood by the harbor are inclined to borrow a boat and throw their loved ones’ ashes into the sea. It’s a DIY kind of thing that really appeals to me. I once wanted to be scattered at Nordstrom, but now I’m conflicted.  And truthfully, I’ve been spending more time at Marshall’s.

As an unwavering Doubter, I wouldn’t trust the Neptune Society or any company to scatter my ashes at sea. How would you know they didn’t just throw you in the trash in a Walmark plastic bag full of coffee grounds?

If you want to see a comprehensive breakdown of fees for cremation and burial services, go here. Note that it’s $25 extra to remove a pace-maker.

Maybe there’s a way to get these fuckers to take me off their mailing list, but it’s a nice reminder of my mortality. Plus, it inspires me to face a new day, just to spite the Neptune Society.

In my desperation for contact with kindred spirits, I joined Meetup.com with the idea of finding a social group in my community that I could join.

You punch in your zip-code and you’re presented with a bunch of categories to click on.

There’s arts and culture, fitness, career, health and wellness, hobbies and crafts, etc.

It wasn’t long before I realized that I don’t like to do anything! It came to me like a bolt of lightening, even though you’d think I would know myself by now.

Hiking, no. Goddess Women, no. Yoga at sunrise, nope. Watercolor, no. Spiritual living, beginning motorcycle, exploring pubs, paper crafts, games, improv, no no no.

THERE I S NOTHING ON EARTH I WANT TO DO.

I complained to my husband and I complained on Facebook. Where’s the stuff I like? What about sitting around complaining? Where are the people who enjoy that? I can’t be the only one, right?

So a couple of days ago, I went to my own group called “Wandering around Nordstrom,” and talked to a beautiful young Russian emigre who works in cosmetics. She was willing to help me look for a product whose name I forgot by a brand I wasn’t sure about. She had beautiful long hair and a nice accent that she let me try to imitate. I fucking loved her!

We admitted to being kind of isolated in our new communities. So I told her about my effort to find a social group. She had tried that, too. We mused about forming a group to talk about fashion and hair. I added complaining and she was down for that too.

Feeling inspired, I went home and began to start a new group at Meetup. I was pretty happy with my description of ‘Fashion, Hair, and Complaining’, and clicked on ‘finish.’

They wanted $9.99 a month to list my group. Deal-breaker.

Somehow, that ruins it for me. That would be like buying friends, almost. I can’t stoop that low, even though I’ve stooped much lower on countless occasions. But still. I logged out in disgust.

Now they’ve sent me an offer to start a group at half-price.

Are they testing my principles? Or just trying to see how cheap I am?

Please advise.

Another Saturday at Nordstrom, and look! It’s Faith, the Hot Nordstrom Girl! I was so happy to see her that I got the BFF to take some pictures.

Faith has an internship with a hot L.A. designer but for now, she is still at Nordstrom. You can’t see from this picture, but she was wearing the leopard print wedge clodhoppers by Jeffrey Campbell, which I correctly identified without being solicited to do so.

If I could wake up tomorrow and be twenty, I’d get a hairdo like Faith’s. If I did it now, my BFF was quick to point out, I’d just look like I had cancer.

Here, I’m wearing:   H&M jacket, Rag and Bone trousers, t-shirt from my t-shirt drawer, and tiger claw earring (ha ha for you, Shelly!)   If you want to gush about how awesome I look, please call me “Judy.” Thanks. xo

We moved on from Faith to the lingerie department, where my BFF hesitated to buy some racy stockings until I screamed   “MEN LOVE THESE!” which drew the attention of a grey-haired shopper nearby.

The BFF bought some other items, including a pair of knickers by Elle MacPherson, even though she couldn’t find the matching bra. If you knew my BFF, you’d know how unthinkable this is. She will never consider buying lingerie unless it’s a matching set. I was amazed. She explained that she could wear the knickers with a dress that didn’t require a bra underneath. Aha!

Personally, I don’t give a shit if my undergarments are a matching set. Black goes with everything; white is bad. Those are my only rules for lingerie. But I’m so nice that I spent at least half an hour online to track down the matching Elle MacPherson bra and here it is:

I may be an awful person, but I’m a really good friend.

When you’re unemployed and have no money, you go out to have lunch in department stores. If you use your charge card, it’s free.   Here I am at Nordstrom on Friday, trying on a pseudo-Chanel jacket by Trina Turk.

Seen up close, it’s really a lovely tweed fabric, with little specks of a million colors, including metallic gold threads. The only thing that stopped me from buying it (remember, it would be FREE if I charged it!) was the inescapable fact that I’d never wear it. I couldn’t even pretend that I’d wear it. Maybe if I bought the free matching skirt, I would wear it, but I never wear skirts.

The jacket is $356.00, but this picture doesn’t do it justice.

There’s nothing like the feeling of virtuousness you get from leaving a department store without buying a single thing. I felt like Mother Theresa. I had a heartwarming exchange with Faith, the Hot Nordstrom Girl. I also bonded briefly with a kooky lady who was interested in my handbag. Here, take a look.

I admired her pig, and told her that I had nearly bought that pig myself. She screamed “Samesies!” in delight. I asked my friend R to document these events because at this point, if you can’t document it, it’s not worth doing.

Since I’m always (i.e., never) asked, “Sister Wolf, you are so radiantly beautiful at your advanced age, what are your beauty secrets?” I will share the basics with you:

1. First, you adopt a cyber-daughter (annemarie) who will send you her red Paul Smith cords.
2. Make sure you NEVER leave home without your red lipstick. Ruby Woo by M.A.C. in this instance.
3. Don’t brush your hair and don’t cut it.
4. Eat plenty of sugar! Ice cream is the most important food group, followed by cookies.
5. Stress is KEY. Try to make sure you’re under constant stress.
6. Avoid exercise as much as possible
7. Finally, sleep deprivation: Stay up until 3 in the morning, just fucking around for no reason.

There you have it! Whatever anyone else tells you to do, DON’T. It’s too much trouble.

While we’re thinking about beauty, check out this project by photographer Zed Nelson, called “Love Me,” to shake up your ideas about the pursuit of attractiveness and its consequences.

When I go to Nordstrom, it’s always an adventure. The charging and taking back alone is more gratifying that I can tell you. This time, I was dazzled by a Nordstrom employee with a fantastic hairstyle. Her name is Faith and she is a design school graduate. I love her hair and she turned out to be a really great girl.

Faith has just started a blog, so we talked about blogging. She told me that she likes Sea of Shoes and that furthermore, Sea of Shoes and Mom of Shoes had come into the store recently. I shrieked and jumped up and down like an excited 5 year old, alerting Faith that she was dealing with a psychopath. She divulged that Sea was kind of shy, and was wearing Margiela.

Is it a Small World After All, or are we all connected by shoes?

Since it was the day after my birthday and I was still feeling entitled, I bought a pair of “cropped jeans” because they were on sale AND chartreuse. Look:

The tag says “citron” but I’m sticking with chartreuse. If you think they’re unflattering on the model, you should see them on me. Terrible! And yet.

I have a vague irrational idea that these pants could somehow look good. What could I rock with them to be seriously killing it? Besides the fierce heels. How about black boots and black jacket? Or, a red cashmere sweater? Red + chartreuse is one of my favorite combinations! It’s aggressive, it’s jarring, it says “Too bad for you!”

Ideas? Or should I just take them back and look for Faith?

I went to Nordstrom with my sister and stopped in my tracks at the Estee Lauder display. A new lipstick promised to say on for 12 hours. I asked the nice Black sales lady to show me the reddest red in the new formula. She admired the red I was already wearing. I told her it was Ruby Woo, one of my all-time favorites. I added, “I think every woman should wear red lipstick!” She nodded sagely and said with great conviction: “Mens like the red.”

So true.

I didn’t like the lipstick but I got the Double-Wear lip Pencil with “12 hour staying power” after testing it on my wrist and finding it impossible to remove.

Here is a beautiful 3-pack Nail Lacquer Set called “Celebrate” by the Lippman Collection.   I’m wearing Superstar (“show-stopping copper-flecked fudge glitter”). You also get a sheer black with a subtle sparkle, and a Ruby Slipper color called Ruby Red Slippers.

It’s only available at Nordstrom for $35, but if you use your Nordstrom charge card like I did, then it’s free.

Here I am, modeling the fussy white shirt after a hard day limping around Nordstorm at The Grove. As you can see, it doesn’t really work. But I have to say that posing on my commode was a stroke of genius on my part. The lighting in my hallway is very flattering, and the commode will horrify that Crazy Muffin Woman if she dares to come poking around. I think it was the commode experience that somehow provoked her into dissing me. Take that, Crazy!

In other news, I managed to get two sales assistants at the M.A.C. counter into a mini-argument. I praised a beautiful young man on his spectacular eyebrows, and he referred me to a M.A.C. eyebrow pencil in “Stud.”   But another M.A.C person objected, and insisted that “Strut” would be a better choice for me.   It was a tense situation. The Strut woman made up my eyebrows, one in each color.   People stopped and stared at me. I stared back at them and said pleasantly “Which eyebrow makes me look less like an old witch?” They were all struck dumb by this question.

I ended up buying Strut, but of course It was a mistake, like the white shirt. I should have gone with Stud.