A new shop is coming to one of my favorite malls, called Intimacy. It’s a place where “experts” will help you select a bra, because even at your age, YOU DON”T KNOW YOUR OWN BRA SIZE.

That’s right, you are too stupid to choose your own bra. Oprah changed the world overnight by devoting a whole show to this phenomenon.   I saw it at 3 in the morning, and I’ll never forget how Oprah asked one woman if she could feel her boobs.   Anyway, we all learned that we were wrong about our chest measurements, and need to size down on chest size but UP on cup size. Okay, done!

But no, we’re just total fucking morons. Luckily Intimacy is here to help.

“Our bra fitters are experienced style and fit gurus. They’re passionate about uplifting women at all stages of life.   Trained in the {Intimacy}holistic   bra-fit process, they can help you achieve the comfort, fit and shape you desire.”

But I don’t know if I want a passionate fit guru to assess my boobs.   That’s a little too personal. But wait!

“You don’t have to feel shy or embarrassed during an {Intimacy} Bra Fitting. We take utmost care to protect your privacy and to honor your feelings.”

Eeeoow! Now I REALLY don’t want this service, unless the fitters are eunuchs or doctors.   Furthermore, you need to make an appointment, although walk-ins are welcome as long as you’re willing to wait up to 2 hours for your fitting.

Go check out the website. It’s fun to take their fit quiz, where they magically calculate your REAL bra size, which in my case turns out to be a 32-C. As if! Flattery won’t get me in there to wait two hours to get felt up by a eunuch.

Last week, it was Oprah. Now, it’s Rachel Zoe.

Oprah has gone public with her weight gain, revealing that she’s addicted to food.   I certainly sympathize with Oprah; I feel that inside the Slim Me, is a Fat me, who will take over if I’m not vigilant. I’ve never been fat, but I know that fatness is a state to be avoided at all costs. In our society, prejudice against fat people is so deep-rooted that even those seen pictured with fat people are judged more harshly, ‘according to studies.’

Poor Oprah can’t keep anything secret, so she might as well use her own weight problem as a means of connecting with her audience. But is she an addict, do you think?

Everyone has an opinion on Oprah. Some New Agey woman wrote a piece about Oprah’s weight gain at Huffingtonpost.com, explaining to us that Oprah’s eating stems from “shame.” She even went on to point out to Oprah which chakra was messed up.

Which chakra of Rachel Zoe’s is messed up? She insists that she’s thin by nature, but surely no one can look at her and see anything normal. This woman is starving, but she doesn’t believe it. When she looks in a mirror, she probably sees the weight she still needs to lose. Rachel Zoe has probably struggled with anorexia all her life. Is she addicted to not eating?

I’ve only known two or three women who didn’t have a screwed up relationship with food, and one of them was probably lying. Food is our enemy, much of the time. At best, it’s an enemy we’ve called a truce with. I don’t believe that eating too much is an addiction, although it is clearly a compulsion for many people. Food equals comfort, and eating helps to stuff down feelings we don’t want to experience. Oprah could stop eating without undergoing withdrawal. She could eat less if she decided to!   Just eat less, Oprah!

Rachel Zoe is another story. She is so afraid of ending up like Oprah that she’s developed a pathology. She probably won’t be able to help herself. She needs clinical care but she will resist getting it. I’ve seen girls who are perilously thin but still terrified of eating an apple. Nothing gets through to them; their brains aren’t processing correctly.

When I was a kid, my father would point out overweight women and express his contempt for them. I knew early on that I didn’t want to be fat. Being fat meant being unlovable.

Eating is a loaded issue for women, more so than for men. To simplify: Our loveability is linked to our physical appeal. For men, it’s linked to their achievements.   If you had a daughter, how would you help her avoid a conflicted relationship with food? And who do you most identify with, Oprah or Rachel Zoe?

Oh dear, I thought I had my rant all in order until I checked out the Huffington Post just now. While Mrs. P prepared scrumptious mooseburgers for the family, Little Piper was walking around in high heels under her bootleg pants. Not mommy’s shoes, since they appeared to fit her nicely. Is this child abuse, or am I thinking about the fake Louis Vuitton handbag?

Either way, something’s not right. Poor little Piper admits that campaigning with her mom was really hard. When asked by Matt Lauer if she’d like mommy to run again in 2012, Piper doesn’t know. When mommy prompts her in a scary fake voice, Piper corrects herself. Sure, she’d love it!

Meanwhile, Trig is passed around like a hot potato, giving everyone in the kitchen a chance to show how nice it is to share the family mascot. Don’t drop him, Piper!

Earlier today, I watched the interview with whatshername, that Fox TV woman with the frozen face. Mrs. Palin scoffs at the bad press she’s received, blamin’ those bloggers who are “probably sittin’ in the basement of their parents’ home, wearin pajamas.”

Haha, Sarah, you nut! You must be thinkin’ of Wayne’s World. Lots of us Mean Bloggers have our own homes, and we’re wearing some ugly Sass and Bide Rats or maybe something from Neiman Marcus that we bought with our own Neiman Marcus card!

And then, she defends herself about the shopping extravaganza, saying the money had to cover clothes for eight people. So let’s see. Five kids, one husband. Oh! She must be including Levi, who wore a suit to the RNC and then went back to shit-kicking in the Ozarks or wherever.

Wasn’t I silly to think we’d get some relief from this motor-mouthed fruitcake?! Tomorrow, it’s Larry King, who will be rendered totally helpless when she winks at him.

Ugh! I hope Oprah hangs tough about banning Mrs. Palin from her show. Let’s all write to Oprah right now, begging her to stay the course.

I’ve always thought that Marion Jones  was a goddess, and I don’t care that she took steroids. I can’t believe the outrage heaped upon her. What a morally backward society we are!

Why don’t all athletes just take steroids, like bodybuilders and football players? Marion Jones wanted to break the world record set by Flo Jo, another user of steroids. Venus and Serena look like they’re on steroids, and god bless ’em, as far as I’m concerned.

Most women could be pumped with steroids and HGH and never have a fraction of Marion Jones’ ability.

Oprah was really mad at poor Marion, who has to leave a seven month old child to appease the need of some judge to make a cautionary tale out of her. Oprah’s steely gaze failed to prove that she’s a better woman than Marion, who she reprimanded for calling her “ma’am.”

I love you, Marion. You could have asked Oprah about Gail, but you were too classy for that shit. God bless you for your courage and dignity.