Sometimes a person comes along and captures your attention no matter how much you think you don’t care about them. Such is the wonder of Rachel Zoe.

I thought I’d had enough of her after reading about her fight with Nicole Richie and seeing photos of her anorexic shriveled body with the attendant quote: I’m just naturally tiny!

But one of my horrible newsletters invited me to click on Rachel Zoe’s new website and voila! I am hooked. How does she write like that, is my question. It’s like a whole other language! No wonder people like her! This is better than GOOP, don’t you think? Or maybe they can’t be compared, since they are nutty in different ways, like the unhappy families in Anna Karenina.

Here is what I’ve just learned from Rachel Zoe:   Diamond studs can get a little snoozy. That’s right, SNOOZY, you snoozy diamond stud people. I personally have three little snoozy diamond studs in my right ear at this very moment. Luckily, I also have a little gold spike earring in the same ear, or I might feel like a complete loser. Whew! That was a close call.

I can tell Rachel Zoe is going to keep me on my toes. If only she would share that fucking Restylane with me. I know I’m fixated on it, but I can feel my cheeks deflating with every passing moment.

As you all know, Rachel Zoe is claiming to have trademarked the words “I die” and “bananas,” in order to stop some t-shirt designer from making money off her. It’s okay with me, since I usually use the word banana as a singular noun. And I like to say “why can’t I just die?” rather than Rachel’s two word exclamation.

However, I’d like to announce that from now on, the expression What a Fucking Cunt  is my trademark and may only be used accordingly. Just last night, I used the expression to describe Nick Harcourt, a guy who is probably not on your radar but is still a cunt nonetheless.

Did anyone get a little creeped out by my use of the word “radar” just now? I know it bothered me but I used it anyway. I am extremely sensitive to words and word usage, and luckily there is a German word for this trait, sprachgefühl. It’s one of my favorite words, like neurasthenia.

Lately, I’ve been annoyed by the word “epic” used to describe fashion, as in “Oh, that sweater is epic!” Ugh, is my first and second reaction. I want to hear “epic” in conjunction with “Gone with the Wind” or “Moby Dick,” not a fucking sweater. It’s making me sick just thinking about an epic sweater. Make it stop!

Recently, my articulate and argumentative Nephew Wolf agreed with me that the word “grow” is annoying in its current usage as a transitive verb to describe business or government, like “We need to grow this economy.” It just sounds fucked up, doesn’t it?   I was happy to find a usage guide that agreed with me.

Have any words been bothering you lately? How are you feeling about “recessionista” for example?

Last week, it was Oprah. Now, it’s Rachel Zoe.

Oprah has gone public with her weight gain, revealing that she’s addicted to food.   I certainly sympathize with Oprah; I feel that inside the Slim Me, is a Fat me, who will take over if I’m not vigilant. I’ve never been fat, but I know that fatness is a state to be avoided at all costs. In our society, prejudice against fat people is so deep-rooted that even those seen pictured with fat people are judged more harshly, ‘according to studies.’

Poor Oprah can’t keep anything secret, so she might as well use her own weight problem as a means of connecting with her audience. But is she an addict, do you think?

Everyone has an opinion on Oprah. Some New Agey woman wrote a piece about Oprah’s weight gain at Huffingtonpost.com, explaining to us that Oprah’s eating stems from “shame.” She even went on to point out to Oprah which chakra was messed up.

Which chakra of Rachel Zoe’s is messed up? She insists that she’s thin by nature, but surely no one can look at her and see anything normal. This woman is starving, but she doesn’t believe it. When she looks in a mirror, she probably sees the weight she still needs to lose. Rachel Zoe has probably struggled with anorexia all her life. Is she addicted to not eating?

I’ve only known two or three women who didn’t have a screwed up relationship with food, and one of them was probably lying. Food is our enemy, much of the time. At best, it’s an enemy we’ve called a truce with. I don’t believe that eating too much is an addiction, although it is clearly a compulsion for many people. Food equals comfort, and eating helps to stuff down feelings we don’t want to experience. Oprah could stop eating without undergoing withdrawal. She could eat less if she decided to!   Just eat less, Oprah!

Rachel Zoe is another story. She is so afraid of ending up like Oprah that she’s developed a pathology. She probably won’t be able to help herself. She needs clinical care but she will resist getting it. I’ve seen girls who are perilously thin but still terrified of eating an apple. Nothing gets through to them; their brains aren’t processing correctly.

When I was a kid, my father would point out overweight women and express his contempt for them. I knew early on that I didn’t want to be fat. Being fat meant being unlovable.

Eating is a loaded issue for women, more so than for men. To simplify: Our loveability is linked to our physical appeal. For men, it’s linked to their achievements.   If you had a daughter, how would you help her avoid a conflicted relationship with food? And who do you most identify with, Oprah or Rachel Zoe?

Has everyone already heard about the giant inflatable turd by “artist” Paul McCarthy that was blown away from its moorings at a Swiss museum and knocked down a power line before breaking some windows at a children’s home? The turd, entitled Complex Shit, is the size of a house.   Here is a description of the show, at the Paul Klee centre:

“interweaving, diverse, not to say conflictive emphases and a broad spectrum of items to form a dynamic exchange of parallel and self-eclipsing spatial and temporal zones”.

Whatever you say, pal.

While we’re talking shit (double entendre!) Rachel Zoe is featured in Bazaar magazine, with a photo-shopped image of her as a size 8, next to her real self, a size zero.   Ms. Zoe says “Are you kidding me?” several times in the short interview, which will help you understand why she’s so well hated, if this is still news to you.

Finally, Ben Stiller’s new movie, Tropic Thunder.   Disability Rights groups are up in arms about the movie’s use of the word “retard,” including a slogan that is already available on a t-shirt.     I admit I hate Ben Stiller, so he doesn’t have to   do anything but keep breathing to make me mad. And yet, now I’m more mad.

The word retard is a pejorative term that hurts those who are least able to defend themselves. In the same way that we now know not to say “Fatty!” when we walk by an overweight person, we can all learn not to use “retard” in connection with a person who seems slow, autistic, has Down Syndrome, etc.

Ben Stiller and Dreamworks want you to feel that those who are boycotting the movie are a bunch of fussbudgets with no sense of humor.   In fact, they are people who know the challenges already out there for people with disabilities or special needs.

My special need is for Ben Stiller to leave the planet, or at least retire.