Because I’m old. O.L.D. Too old for these Union Jack boots, even though I love Union Jacks, from a graphic standpoint and because some of my happiest years were in London.

I ordered the boots in two sizes, because with free shipping and returns, who cares? When they came today, I was amazed at how much they looked like the pictures online. Even more so, actually!

I stood up for only a moment before realizing I could never walk in them. The heels are at least 6 inches high. I’m too old to get up and measure them but trust me. I thought the platforms would help but they didn’t.  I was way up in the clouds, far far away from the ground that I desperately don’t want to fall on.

I showed them to my husband before putting them back in the box. He tried not to smirk and quickly looked away.

What does he know?! I thought.

Later, he shared his epiphany about the boots: I’m just too old for them.

I’m pretty sure this is a first. We talk about aging and how we plan to continue doing it. We don’t want to be slobs and we don’t want to change our respective styles. We don’t want to be deluded assholes, though. And so far, so good.

But now I felt defensive about the stupid boots. I insisted that if only I could walk in them, I could make them “work.” I would wear them with long wide jeans, and only the toes would show. IT WOULD BE A POP OF FUCKING COLOR, ALRIGHT?

He was dubious and I took it as a vote of no-confidence in my taste and self-awareness. Like I might suddenly wear black lipstick and a mini-dress with a lampshade on my head. Like I don’t know what I’m doing.

Or do I?

Tell me the truth: Are the boots a sign of senility or a grave miscalculation? Or both or neither? Don’t hold back.

Okay so I bought this skirt online because it was reduced from a billion dollars to just a fraction of its original price, and because I loved its shimmery quality.

In real life, it’s even more shimmery, the thinnest silk lame but lined with cotton. Really, it’s the shit, you will just have to trust me on this.

The problem is, I love the way it’s styled here but I don’t have a sleeveless shirt like this and I have no imagination. None. I can’t think of one single way to wear the skirt and make it look casual and tomboyish instead of trashy or hookerish.

I don’t want to look like a prostitute, as I’ve noted here several times over the years.  I know this because I made a cyber-friend who pointed this out and told me all about his pathological girlfriends before disappearing back into the ethernet. ( Hi, Donald!)

If I don’t want to look like a prostitute, why do I keep buying clothes that warrant this caveat??

I have no idea, alright? Just help me figure out a top to wear. I already have pointy oxfords so I’m good in the shoe department. I even have them in silver!

If I wear the silver skirt with the silver shoes, will I look like a prostitute? Only answer that one after you find me a top.

Be specific and include links if you have em.

Thanks!

If you follow this link, you can see the full line of Versace for H&M, due in stores on November 17. Bright, flashy exotic prints and old-school Versace overkill in the accessories make this collection a nostalgic trip down Eurotrash lane.

I’m ready for it! I’m tired of drab colors and black with black.

These pants come in a leafy Hawaiian print as well, and look nice under the dresses or with short clashing   tops.

I love a pink suit on a male model but I admit that I’d like one for me. I think I could pull it off. But realistically, I will probably just set my sights on the pink shoes.   I’m not willing to stand in a long line to get my hands on this stuff but if the crowds aren’t too scary, these shoes are mine.

And if the shoes don’t work out, I want the bedspread. There are matching pillows for a nice opium den effect.

What do you think about this collection? Love it or hate it? Is it worth fighting a mob of aggressive girls wearing their Lita platforms?