The Daily Mail online is the world’s most popular newspaper website, and yet they struggle to use English.  How can we help them understand that nonplussed does not mean nonchalant?

This is apparently a common misunderstanding but I don’t know why. When I worked as a script reader, I often came across this confusion. A character who reacted with indifference would be described as “nonplussed”.

Do people think there is a state called “plussed” that means excited? So when you fail to act excited, you are nonplussed?

So Chelsea Handler made some outrageous public comments about Brangelina, but was later observed by the Daily Mail looking not only nonplussed but completely nonplussed.

They show another photo and note that she looks relaxed. BETTER, Daily Mail writer and copy editor! Now you’re making sense!

I feel like I’ve understood the meaning of both nonplussed and nonchalant my whole life, with no temptation to confuse them They are practically antonyms! What the fuck is so hard about this?

Is this going to be a thing like “literally,” where a word starts meaning its opposite due to public usage (i.e., idiots)?

God, I’m annoyed.

ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

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Okay, you are all too young to know the reference to this title but I’m paraphrasing a joke by Lenny Bruce who was making fun of – oh never mind. The important element is Kanye, as he is all too eager to point out.

So, Kanye is mad, for a change, and he’s making a big fuss. Some crap about Annie Leibovitz and a wedding picture she didn’t take.

Okay, so Kanye rants,

“Can you imagine telling someone who wants to just Instagram a photo, who’s the No. 1 person on Instagram, ‘We need to work on the color of the flower wall,’ or the idea that it’s a Givenchy dress, and it’s not about the name Givenchy, it’s about the talent that is  Riccardo Tisci — and how important Kim is to the Internet.”

My god, it’s like heaven when that idiot opens his mouth.

But here’s the part that needs translating:

“And the fact the No. 1 most-liked photo [on Instagram] has a kind of aesthetic was a win for what the mission is, which is raising the palette.” [my italics]

For the Buick (i.e., the edification of mankind, in this instance) What does Kanye think he means by “raising the pallette?”

Oh, look: Beyonce visits the Anne Frank house. A good time for an instagram. But she handles herself so much better than Justin Bieber, so that’s a relief.

Let me just quote my favorite line from “True Detective“:

L’chaim, fatass.

I know it’s not very interesting to hate Gwyneth, but how can one ignore her this week? It’s like she WILL NOT REST until every single person on earth detests her. Is her work done yet? If not, we’re getting very, very close.

Today’s revelation (for me, anyway) is that she advises women in troubled relationships to stop fighting and give their man a blowjob instead. Really, Einstein? You think that might work?

What a fucking imbecile. I love the pictures of her feigned embarrassment even more than I love that awful see-through dress she wore recently. But not as much as I love the time she tweeted something like “niggas all in Paris!” to indicate her down-ness.

There is so much to love, i.e. hate, that it’s almost redundant, like denouncing Hitler. Wait. Am I comparing Gwyneth to Hitler?! Sure, see Godwin’s Law. But if you need to catch the latest Iron Man movie and your revulsion for Gwyneth is getting in the way,  here’s a guide to putting things in perspective.

I don’t need to see Iron Man, so I’m good.

If you believe you were at the forefront of the anti- Gwyneth movement, let’s hear about it! (If you don’t hate Gwyneth, you shouldn’t be here at all, just leave quietly.)

Oh, snap! After insisting that his obsession with Ayn Rand is an “urban legend,” a tape has surfaced in which Ryan gushes about Ayn Rand’s philosophy:

“It’s inspired me so much that it’s required reading in my office for all my interns and my staff. We start with Atlas Shrugged.”

What an asshole. Ayn Rand? What is he, sixteen?

And then to lie about it when he’s on record, again and again, of revering her! He had to denounce Ayn Rand because Catholics don’t like her atheism. Look for Ryan to become more rabidly Catholic as the Republican convention draws near.

Anyone who makes his interns read Atlas Shrugged is not only a moron but a fucking heartless cunt.

I’m excited about (i.e. dreading) tonight’s debate among the Republican presidential candidates.   For those of you who plan to watch, what’s the drinking word??

“Today marks the official launch of  TheFix.com, a new content site aimed at recovering drug and alcohol users.”

I read that and imagined a nice scholarly-looking website filled with information and resources, like the sites about autism or migraines. Instead, it’s a garish tabloid-like bonanza of stupid features like “Worst Celebrity Meltdown” and “Hollywood’s Best Addict Performances.”

Courtney Love is one of the experts on hand to give advice, and there are articles on finding the perfect AA meeting and dating a crackhead.   There is even a BIG  photo of a syringe in an arm, to illustrate a story about vaccines. Are they insane? The whole thing looks like a great parody except for its breathtaking witlessness.

Please have a look and get back to me. Tell me your theory on how they got the seed money for this venture and what kind of advertisers will want to get in on this.

Meanwhile, they invite submissions and story ideas! I  could  never be part of such a shabby enterprise, especially knowing what I do about the horrors of drug addiction. But wouldn’t it be fun to propose some idiotic stories just to see if they bite? How about “Funniest excuse for for a relapse” or “How to flirt with an ER doctor?”

Fuckers.

“I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism.”

Jesus. Ugh.

“Exclusive tribute tee to Alexander McQueen; crew neck tee reading “Fashion Is Suicide” on front and “Fashion Is Not Suicide, R.I.P. A. McQueen” on back; 100% cotton.”

By Dimepiece Designs.   $42 at Karmaloop

Thanks to Iron Chic for calling my attention to this ridiculous cover story in Life & Style Weekly, my illustrious former employer. While the magazine is known for its fair and balanced, ahem, reporting, this story about Brad and Angie‘s kid is shameful drivel of the first order.

First of all, I love Shiloh.   In her first published photo, she looks just like Tweety Pie, and I love Tweety Pie. I also love babies (unless they’re the really fat ones with the big bald Aryan looking heads.) Shiloh is just the epitome of cuteness. I love everything about her. I’m practically lactating just thinking about her!

I can see that she has a short haircut, but I’m not sure this makes her a lesbian or a man trapped in a woman’s body. I think Brad and Angie should sue the shit out of Life & Style for casting aspersions upon this innocent child and for fostering stupid stereotypes about gender behavior. GLAAD is pissed off by this story, and rightly so.

If you’ve ever been around little kids, you know they love to play dress up. Little boys are especially attracted to feather boas and high heels. They are trying out identities and their freedom to do this without being subject to criticism and shame is already pretty limited.   I’m glad to hear that Shiloh wants to be a pirate, but I’m aware that every word I read in the gossip magazines is a lie, including “and” and “the.”

Fuckers! I’m here for you, Shiloh. I like to wear boys’ clothes, too.