The Daily Mail online is the world’s most popular newspaper website, and yet they struggle to use English.  How can we help them understand that nonplussed does not mean nonchalant?

This is apparently a common misunderstanding but I don’t know why. When I worked as a script reader, I often came across this confusion. A character who reacted with indifference would be described as “nonplussed”.

Do people think there is a state called “plussed” that means excited? So when you fail to act excited, you are nonplussed?

So Chelsea Handler made some outrageous public comments about Brangelina, but was later observed by the Daily Mail looking not only nonplussed but completely nonplussed.

They show another photo and note that she looks relaxed. BETTER, Daily Mail writer and copy editor! Now you’re making sense!

I feel like I’ve understood the meaning of both nonplussed and nonchalant my whole life, with no temptation to confuse them They are practically antonyms! What the fuck is so hard about this?

Is this going to be a thing like “literally,” where a word starts meaning its opposite due to public usage (i.e., idiots)?

God, I’m annoyed.

ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

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I just had an exclusive interview with myself and here’s what I learned:

Everything you read about Katie and Tom‘s divorce is coming directly to you out of someone’s ass! That’s right, and not long ago, it came from mine, too.

As a journalist for several glossy supermarket tabloids, I was able to deliver scoops about Tom and Katie’s personal lives nearly every week, simply by sitting quitely and channeling the two celebrities until I saw the exciting details in my mind’s eye.

I wrote exclusive scoops about Katie’s struggle for autonomy, Tom’s obsession with Brad Pitt, Suri’s nursery, and so much more. If you were a tabloid reader, you accepted these stoires as God’s truth because otherwise it wouldn’t be printed in a magazine! If you are a tabloid reader, or a consumer of celebrity gossip on any level, you are walking around thinking you know something about Brad and Angie, Jennifer Aniston, Madonna, or whoever, but you’re wrong. Nobody knows anything, but we keep making it up until it is common knowledge.

Whenever you see the words “According to a source,” replace them with “I am making this up.” Same with “An insider says,” “A close pal divulges,” and “A member of his/her inner circle reports.”

Of course, some of us journalists are better channelers than others. Once, when I channeled Janet Jackson, it made the crawl on CNN! Another time, I was able to divine what Katie gave Tom for Christmas: He had just completed work on that awful movie about the German war hero, so I thought she should get him “the complete leather-bound works of his favorite author, Goethe.”

Voila! Tom got the Goethe, to the delight of my friend Wendy and my Inner Circle. I had giddy fantasies of linking Jessica Simpson with Schopenhauer. I believe I, I mean Katie, also gave Tom a custom-made iPhone with his name engraved on it. Which is still nothing compared to the custom-made Chanel evening bag I once gave to Victoria Beckham, I mean David gave to her of course.

You can say I was a liar but you can’t fault my generosity.

“Today marks the official launch of  TheFix.com, a new content site aimed at recovering drug and alcohol users.”

I read that and imagined a nice scholarly-looking website filled with information and resources, like the sites about autism or migraines. Instead, it’s a garish tabloid-like bonanza of stupid features like “Worst Celebrity Meltdown” and “Hollywood’s Best Addict Performances.”

Courtney Love is one of the experts on hand to give advice, and there are articles on finding the perfect AA meeting and dating a crackhead.   There is even a BIG  photo of a syringe in an arm, to illustrate a story about vaccines. Are they insane? The whole thing looks like a great parody except for its breathtaking witlessness.

Please have a look and get back to me. Tell me your theory on how they got the seed money for this venture and what kind of advertisers will want to get in on this.

Meanwhile, they invite submissions and story ideas! I  could  never be part of such a shabby enterprise, especially knowing what I do about the horrors of drug addiction. But wouldn’t it be fun to propose some idiotic stories just to see if they bite? How about “Funniest excuse for for a relapse” or “How to flirt with an ER doctor?”

Fuckers.

Kate Hudson has pulled off a brilliant publicity stunt by pretending to be pregnant and then unveiling her body in a skimpy thong-style bikini. Her pristine white butt has appeared on every celebrity gossip site, photographed  from every possible angle.

After weeks of parading around in big baggy dresses, she made sure that her butt would receive all the attention of an urgent breaking news story.

I will admit that her butt is beyond compare, except to the butt of a ten year old albino gymnast. Good for you, Kate! Now, if only your butt could act, you’d be making the big bucks like Reese Witherspoon!