Here’s your icon of minimalist beauty, happy now? I just want to get the Tilda Swinton thing out of the way. You all love her, you love her awful style, you love her offbeat lifestyle, if you’re gay, you fucking adore her.   You loved her awful skirt and shirt outfit at the Golden Globes! I thought it was predictably dowdy and her hair was a disturbing   homage to Gumby.

Okay, I will be brief:

Ricky Gervaise was fearlessly funny, the best element of a very dull event. Angelina Jolie was stunning in emerald green, with a waxwork expressionless face. Claire Dane went out of her way to flaunt her flat chest, as always, and Nicole Kidman wore a weird duckface mask. Natalie Portman looked dumpy, Jane Fonda looked scrawny and sounded nuts. Sandra Bullock wore fake black bangs that didn’t match the rest of her hair and Scarlett Johansson can’t figure out how to leave well enough alone: Her tragic haircut and nothing colored dress made it hard to remember that she is a babe. Olivia Wilde, whoever she is, wore a gorgeous sparkly gown by Marchessa.

Helena Bonham Carter looked icily furious when she didn’t win, either too drunk or too pissed off to fake a smile.

Here are the men I would have sex with, besides the obvious frontrunner Johnny Depp:   Robery Downey Junior, Ryan Gosling, Colin Firth, and Christian Bale.

What important details did I forget to mention?