{"id":10097,"date":"2014-01-13T01:12:45","date_gmt":"2014-01-13T09:12:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=10097"},"modified":"2014-01-13T13:54:17","modified_gmt":"2014-01-13T21:54:17","slug":"golden-globes-2014-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/golden-globes-2014-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"Golden Globes 2014 Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

This douche above turned out to be the horrible Edward Zero<\/strong> character, but his name is Alex Ebert<\/strong> and he won a music award. \u00a0Jared Leto<\/strong> wore his long hair in a bun\/pony tail that I wanted to undo in private, no matter how crazy he is.<\/p>\n

Robert Redford<\/strong> doesn’t mind looking like a 200 year old tortoise, whereas Michael Douglas<\/strong> still believes he’s a hottie, even after complaining about his wife’s vag.<\/p>\n

The men to have sex with were Idris Elba<\/strong> and Collin Farrell<\/strong>. The men to ridicule are the sanctimonious cunts of U2<\/strong>, who made it clear that they supported Nelson Mandela long<\/em> before you did. You are nothing compared to them and don’t forget it!<\/p>\n

Liev Schreiber<\/strong> cried like a baby and someone who was either Puff Daddy<\/strong> or Jay Z<\/strong> was on hand for no discernible reason.<\/p>\n

Leaving the men behind, let’s move on to the weirdest moment : Jacqueline Bisset<\/strong>\u00a0was \u00a0a portrait of \u00a0proudly un-botoxed beauty who then lost points for being either nuts or drunk. She seemed more bitter than triumphant, but delivered the most uncomfortable appearance since Lauren Bacall’s stroke. In the audience, Jessica Lange’s<\/strong> face-lift registered seething anger at losing to Bisset.<\/p>\n

Sandra Bullock<\/strong> wore the worst dress, unless you prefer Julia Roberts<\/strong> in that category. Robin Penn Warren<\/strong> looked like a sleek man, and Olivia Wilde<\/strong> looked like a shimmering pregnant mermaid – gorgeous!<\/p>\n

Diane Keaton<\/strong> contrasted her beautifully thick poufy hair with a wrinkly smoker’s face and almost pulled off a certain dignified charm until she sang a Girl Scout song in a crazy little girl voice.<\/p>\n

Red lipstick was in short supply compared to last year. Cate Blanchett<\/strong> wore a nice blue-red, Juliette Binoche<\/strong> wore a bright red that was too orangey for her teeth, and Drew Barrymore<\/strong> chose a vivid fluorescent red that may have been MAC Ruby Woo or Beso by Stilla.<\/p>\n

Now I’m worn out. What did I forget?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"