{"id":10492,"date":"2014-08-25T19:17:02","date_gmt":"2014-08-26T03:17:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=10492"},"modified":"2014-08-25T20:34:29","modified_gmt":"2014-08-26T04:34:29","slug":"2014-vma-awards-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/2014-vma-awards-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"2014 VMA Awards Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.godammit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/rita-and-nicki-photo.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10496\" alt=\"DM_MTV_Video_Music_Awards_Pt_1 37.jpg\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.godammit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/rita-and-nicki-photo.jpg?resize=490%2C294\" width=\"490\" height=\"294\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/godammit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/rita-and-nicki-photo.jpg?w=490&amp;ssl=1 490w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/godammit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/rita-and-nicki-photo.jpg?resize=300%2C180&amp;ssl=1 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 490px) 100vw, 490px\" data-recalc-dims=\"1\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>God, what an ordeal. I&#8217;m going directly to <strong>Beyonce<\/strong> to say: Why did everyone love this performance???<\/p>\n<p>I really think I have never seen such an obnoxious display of self-importance in my whole life. &#8220;Welcome to my World?&#8221; Who gives a shit about her world! Why can&#8217;t she sing a song with a melody? It&#8217;s all like a long intro that never turns into an actual song. Since when does spreading your legs in a leotard and shaking your hair around signify feminism? Is everybody crazy? Beyonce is now like a parody of a self-important diva. She fucking LOVES herself. Why does she need us at this point? When she tells the audience &#8216;I love y&#8217;all!&#8217; it is absurdly hollow.<\/p>\n<p>And the fucking <strong>husband-and-baby gambit<\/strong>, Jesus Christ. Who else would do that? Just awful.<\/p>\n<p>Okay. Moving on. The rest of the show was about asses, most of them huge. I was actually moved to consult my husband for a male judgement on whose ass was the night&#8217;s biggest. His answer was Iggy, which surprised me. Surely Niki Minaj had the evening&#8217;s hugest ass, or maybe she just twerked it in our faces more.<\/p>\n<p>The look of dismay on <strong>Rita Ora<\/strong>&#8216;s face during the Anaconda dance functions perfectly as a universal statement of repugnance for this tawdry shit. It just can&#8217;t get any lower. Racist, sexist, artificial, we now have Miley Cryus as the elder statesman and voice of reason. Please Adele, come back, we need you.<\/p>\n<p>In order of awfulness there was:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tayler Swift<\/strong> &#8211; Tragically delusional, she now thinks she is Britney Spears. Make her die.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Nicki Minaj<\/strong> &#8211; Depressingly shameless, she has some nerve to lecture other rappers about artistic integrity.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam Smith<\/strong> &#8211; Ugh! Stop singing that same fucking song. He&#8217;s like <strong>Antony Hegarty<\/strong> without the gender intrigue. Hate him. Bring back Boy George if we need a pudgy gay white soul singer!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Maroon 5<\/strong> &#8211; Adam Levine is a disgrace to the Chosen People. He needs to shave and to stop imitating Sting.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jesse J<\/strong> &#8211; Ew, what is the point of her? She&#8217;s just a big man with a screechy voice.<\/p>\n<p>Now, here&#8217;s what was good:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Iggy Azalea<\/strong> &#8211; because I love her and that&#8217;s that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Rita Ora<\/strong> &#8211; because she can actually sing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Usher<\/strong> &#8211; because he can dance.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Homeless Jesse<\/strong> &#8211; because he is really cute, and I liked his relative composure.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Miley Cyrus<\/strong> &#8211; Because she managed to look &#8216;classy&#8217; by keeping her tongue in her mouth, and stole everyone&#8217;s thunder with that homeless shit.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe now people can stop throwing buckets of ice water on themselves and start throwing water at Tayler Swift if at all possible.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>God, what an ordeal. I&#8217;m going directly to Beyonce to say: Why did everyone love this performance??? I really think I have never seen such an obnoxious display of self-importance in my whole life. &#8220;Welcome to my World?&#8221; Who gives &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/godammit.com\/2014-vma-awards-exegesis\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[4,968,7],"tags":[471,1036,332,1087],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7t44M-2Je","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10492"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10492"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10492\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}