{"id":10541,"date":"2014-11-08T22:45:36","date_gmt":"2014-11-09T06:45:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=10541"},"modified":"2014-11-08T22:45:36","modified_gmt":"2014-11-09T06:45:36","slug":"toilets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/toilets\/","title":{"rendered":"Toilets"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you’ve been following this story, you will be glad to hear that the Window Treatment issue has been sorted out.<\/p>\n

We are getting blinds in fake wood that looks really real, ordered from a fantastic Persian lady who also showed me curtains with little Japanese guys in boats that would cost $2,000 for one room!\u00a0 It was a huge relief to get the window decision behind us.<\/p>\n

We disagreed about the couch placement in the living room and got people to come over and render judgements and help move stuff around. When I told my psychiatrist about the couch dispute, he shared that he and his wife had a couch dispute a few days earlier, with one of them using the phrase “over my dead body.”<\/p>\n

I have not been moved to say “over my dead body” so far, but I did start writing a song called “I’ve got a bridge and I’m gonna jump off it.” We live a couple of short blocks from a park that overlooks the ocean, with a steep drop that I can’t look at without the thought of jumping.\u00a0 If I jumped, it would have to be a sure-fire fatality. It would have to be several stories high and I would have to be more despondent that I am at this moment.<\/p>\n

No one likes to hear me talk about death. Death is with me every single day, as a heartache and and a fantasy solution. My niece came to visit and was happy to talk about death, which was a delightful surprise.\u00a0 She had given the subject plenty of thought. I confided that my husband once got angry when he told me he wanted a coffin burial and I asked what he wanted to wear for the occasion. She responded, “Probably because he has too many choices,” referring to his collection of 94 shirts.<\/p>\n

In any case, I can’t die before I get the pink toilet I so richly deserve.<\/p>\n

We walked into a plumbing shop after finding that the tile shop was closed. There, I asked if they had a pink toilet, and the girl told me Sorry, pink toilets are a thing of the past. Armed with my knew Toilet Knowledge, I said smugly, “No, Gerber still makes them.” She went to her office to look this up on her computer, and I heard her exclaim “Unbelievable!”<\/p>\n

I felt wonderful, more informed about toilets that an actual toilet girl! She took me to a hallway decorated with toilet seats in every color ever manufactured. She was a genuine Toilet Enthusiast. She pointed out a color called ‘Merlot,’ a deep wine color, almost like Chanel Rouge Noir, and noted that it’s the hardest color to find. We discussed the wide variety of green hued toilet seats.<\/p>\n

The Toilet Girl ordered a pink toilet for me. Did you know that the\u00a0 seat comes in both wood and plastic?<\/p>\n

I want to be best friends with the Toilet Girl and talk about toilets until the end of time, or until I get a Tile Guy to bond with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"