{"id":10742,"date":"2015-05-05T21:09:23","date_gmt":"2015-05-06T05:09:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=10742"},"modified":"2015-05-05T21:09:23","modified_gmt":"2015-05-06T05:09:23","slug":"met-gala-2015-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/met-gala-2015-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"Met Gala 2015 Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

Let’s start with my favorite look just to get it out of the way: Rihanna<\/strong>. She is a fucking goddess.<\/p>\n

Rihanna is proving to be the best source of daring, original fashion that the pop world has ever seen. She wears the coolest under-the-radar designers and puts together the best outfits, period. With her yellow fur-trimmed cloak, she has ushered in a style I will call ‘Regal Ghetto<\/strong>‘.<\/p>\n

$\"Rihanna$ <\/a><\/p>\n

$\"riri-met\"$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Her outfit is the work of Chinese couture designer Guo Pei<\/strong> and apparently took two years to create. Rihanna didn’t care about dominating the red carpet as it was cleared to accommodate the mileage of her trailing cloak. As she said<\/a> about social media recently, “Do I even give a dick about that?” And she doesn’t. Not one dick.<\/p>\n

Let it be known that I will marry Riri if she will have me.<\/p>\n

Next up are the naked butts. J Lo<\/strong>, Kim Kardashian<\/strong>, and Beyonce<\/strong> all unveiled their outsized butts, hoping to grab the spotlight. Kim was SO CLOSE to winning the ‘Most Naked’ prize until Bey showed up in a few sequins, posing her butt in every angle possible from a standing position.<\/p>\n

$\"beys-butt-pose\"$ <\/a> $\"bey-wins-butt-award\"$ <\/a><\/p>\n

She is pretty damn proud of that butt. I have now looked at it so much that I just want to put a thermometer in it. Mothers, do you feel me? And don’t forget, she is a feminist.<\/p>\n

Anyway, Bey wins ‘Most Naked’ but Kim still gets ‘Biggest Bare Butt’, as if there were any other butts in her league.<\/p>\n

$\"kim$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Why, Kim??? Just stop it. We can’t, okay?<\/p>\n

For ‘Most Egregiously Horrifying’, the prize goes to Kim’s mom, Kris<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

$\"Kris$ <\/a><\/p>\n

What the fuck! Surely this is deliberate. But how can this even happen? Where do you find such awful 80’s crap? Sea of Shoes<\/strong>‘s closet? Salvation Army? While we ponder the horror of Kris Jenner, why don’t we say what we’ve been thinking about her marriage. I’ll go first. She and Bruce<\/strong> don’t need a divorce; Bruce can be the woman and Kris can be the man! It’s such a no-brainer. Kris is halfway there, or at least as far along in her ‘journey’ and Bruce is in his.<\/p>\n

Never mind, you can’t save every marriage, not if people won’t listen to reason. On to the ‘Most Tragic’ award, it was an easy win for Sarah Jessica Parker<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

$\"Sarah$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Should we feel sorry for her? I don’t know. Let’s not. She brought it on herself. On the other hand, she’s married to a man who won’t come out of the closet and she has to pay women to have babies for her. That part is kind of sad. Still, that fucking headpiece: criminal.<\/p>\n

Winners in the ‘Simply Awfu’l category were Miley Cyrus<\/strong>, Solange Knowles<\/strong>, Anna Wintour Herself<\/strong>, that 50 Shades of Grey girl<\/strong>, Lady Gaga<\/strong>, and most surprising, Jennifer Lawrence<\/strong>. Maybe the Chris Martin<\/strong> thing is fucking up J Law’s game.<\/p>\n

Two gorgeous Chinese actresses who put almost everyone else to shame were barely mentioned, so let’s give them their due. Gong Li<\/strong> is always stunning and her appearance at the Met was right on point. I could watch her movies forever, just to admire her face.<\/p>\n

$\"gong$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Fan Bingbing<\/strong> is an international red-carpet favorite who always brings it. Always. Last night she was pure ‘Ooooooooooh.’<\/p>\n

$\"Fan$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Finally, my choice for most annoying is Amal Clooney<\/strong>. She is always looking around for a camera. Her bony arm must make Angelina<\/strong> furious. And I’m disgusted that George had to buy a castle in England to pay off his ~~beard<\/del> uppity starving wife. Just take them away.<\/p>\n~~

$\"Amal$ <\/a><\/p>\n

Okay, over to you. What did I forget?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Let’s start with my favorite look just to get it out of the way: Rihanna. She is a fucking goddess. Rihanna is proving to be the best source of daring, original fashion that the pop world has ever seen. She … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[4,2],"tags":[597,626,1036,70,1093],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7t44M-2Ng","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10742"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10742"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10742\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10742"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10742"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10742"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}