{"id":10866,"date":"2015-09-01T00:50:22","date_gmt":"2015-09-01T08:50:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=10866"},"modified":"2015-09-01T00:50:22","modified_gmt":"2015-09-01T08:50:22","slug":"2015-vma-awards-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/2015-vma-awards-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"2015 VMA Awards Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

The horror, right? It was mostly non-stop horror, with the exception of Kanye West<\/strong>‘s comic turn.<\/p>\n

Poor Kanye! He could talk forever and never make sense. That is his genius. I tired to explain to my husband why I don’t aim my wrath at Kanye instead of Taylor Swift<\/strong>, by explaining:”Because there’s something wrong with him.” It would be like taunting a special ed kid; I can’t do it.<\/p>\n

The show’s most egregious figure was Taylor Swift, because that’s how much she annoys me. She wore herself out trying to prove that she’s best friends with everybody, leaning down to embrace everyone of importance, who all looked like midgets compared to the giraffe-like chanteuse.<\/p>\n

Something was wrong with Taylor’s face that made her look Chinese. She had trouble smiling, as though her mouth was full of bigger teeth than her lips could accommodate. Whatever it is, keep it up, girl.<\/p>\n

Moving along, Justin Bieber<\/strong> tried to sing and then cried with relief. Pharrell<\/strong> hopped around like a little sailor, and an awful girl named Tory Something<\/strong> shrieked her head off and strutted around like Beyonce-times-ten.<\/p>\n

Miley Cyrus<\/strong> was aggressively obnoxious but still relatively sexy. Her tiny butt was the perfect antidote to Kim Kardashian<\/strong> and Nicki Minaj<\/strong>. The latter two women need to manage their asses, somehow, before they become separate entities and use up the world’s oxygen. Remember “The Blob?” Take this as a warning, people of Earth.<\/p>\n

What else? Oh, a guy called The Weekend<\/strong> did an impression of a poor man’s Michael Jackson<\/strong>, and wore his hair in a style reminiscent of Woody Woodpecker. (Millennials, that’s a cartoon character.)<\/p>\n

John Legend<\/strong> was handsome and charming as usual. Call me, John. You too, Jared Leto<\/strong>, you freak.<\/p>\n

Miley Cyrus<\/strong> ended the show with a musical number that involved a fleet of trannies or whatever the word is, bringing a Sixties vibe to the fiasco with her Free Love\/Smoke Pot message.<\/p>\n

The best moment for me personally was during the Kanye monologue, when my friend Margaret suddenly exclaimed, “He’s gay!” in the exact<\/em> tone of Archimedes shouting “Eureka<\/a>!”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"