{"id":1098,"date":"2008-09-03T20:53:12","date_gmt":"2008-09-04T04:53:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=1098"},"modified":"2008-09-03T20:53:12","modified_gmt":"2008-09-04T04:53:12","slug":"grandpa-and-the-church-lady","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/grandpa-and-the-church-lady\/","title":{"rendered":"Grandpa and The Church Lady"},"content":{"rendered":"

Grandpa is one of those crusty old guys with a hair-trigger temper. He’s a lot like Hank’s dad on “King of the Hill.<\/a>” He usually talks in a soft voice, eerily reminiscent of John Travolta with the whistling “s.”<\/p>\n

You can never be mean to Grandpa because he was tortured during the war. Not that war, the other one, where the poor little girl got burned with napalm. Anyway, Grandpa was on a bombing mission and ended up getting tortured. You heard me, HE WAS TORTURED. He was tortured for you, much like Jesus, only Grandpa was even braver.<\/p>\n

The Church Lady is a real bully, and she smiles when she’s mad. She looks like a librarian, but in fact she tried to oust a librarian<\/a> in Wasilla when the librarian refused to ban some books. She had to back down from the librarian, but became known for her vindictiveness. People were scared to incur her wrath. She fired the chief of police when she became mayor, \u00a0 because she didn’t believe “in her heart” that he “supported her enough.”<\/p>\n

This season’s highlight is when The Church Lady is questioned about the birth of her baby with Down Syndrome. Instead of just confirming that of course she is his mother, she shoves her pregnant teenager into the limelight to quash the rumors. THEN, the teenage babydaddy is rushed to town as a prelude to a shotgun wedding.<\/p>\n

WARNING, SPOILER AHEAD!<\/p>\n

In my favorite episode, The Church Lady brings her family on stage at a huge loud convention and reaches for her baby, turning around so the cameras can get a shot of his little Down Syndrome features. Too bad if he should have been shielded from the deafening noise and bright lights! He is a trophy now, just like the dead bears and wolves she loves to shoot.!<\/p>\n

Tomorrow, we’ll try to have some fashion or something less horrible, like almost anything.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"