![\"fire](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.godammit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/07\/fire-photo.jpg?resize=400%2C400\")
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The other day, I dutifully checked in on the Ex Wife’s literary efforts, not just because I’m nuts but because they are so breathtakingly stupid. I always come away feeling both gratified and enraged.<\/p>\n
I can’t help it! She writes a monthly column for her community paper. If it wasn’t there, I wouldn’t need to read it. But it is there. Like Mount Everest<\/a>.<\/p>\n So the column this month is about packing up when a fire forces you to evacuate. You don’t have much time and there is limited room in the car.<\/p>\n What stuff would you take if you only had a small suitcase?<\/p>\n The stuff she packed was nothing special: “the important papers, and the photos, my doll, the few pieces of good jewelry, family videos.”<\/span><\/p>\n I guess the doll is a little suspect and who still says “good jewelry” but let’s move on.<\/p>\n Safely back at home, she removes the precious things she had stuffed into a washer and dryer, and here’s where the fun begins.<\/p>\n My old volumes of Shakespeare, heavy and dark with wisdom,<\/span><\/p>\n A collection of glittered Advent calendars holding all the magic of the season,<\/p>\n The Happy Birthday banner handmade by my father,<\/p>\n A pink sequin dress, old family bible, my Beatle cards.<\/p>\n One shabby, brown flannel shirt, well worn and shared by everyone in the family.<\/p>\n Miranda\u2019s report on Ground Squirrels, complete with illustrations.<\/p>\n An Anniversary card from a man who loves me still.<\/p>\n A popsicle stick-framed picture of a guru, the Batman book, Riley\u2019s small handprint,<\/p>\n The copy of, \u201cAn Actor Prepares,\u201d that Cindy gave me all those years ago,<\/p>\n A Smashing Pumpkins tee shirt, a stuffed pink pig named Peddly,<\/p>\n Mike\u2019s old surf jacket.<\/p>\n And a faded needlepoint from my mother, reading,<\/p>\n \u201cDear House, You Are Really Very Small, Just Big Enough For Love, That\u2019s All.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Jesus Christ. I can’t even.<\/p>\n How does a person get to be so enchanted with their own self?<\/p>\n I believe this is the key to my fascination. It is unfathomable. And so awful.<\/p>\n I asked my sister what she’d pack if she was in a hurry to evacuate. Her answers were reassuringly normal. Photographs and family mementos.<\/p>\n My husband’s answer was thrillingly concise: Instead of a suitcase, he’s take a guitar case, and a guitar. I could not love him more for this.<\/p>\n Me, I’d take the photos and the things I sleep with. I’d throw all my jewelry into a pillowcase, and if there was time, I’d take my hard drive.<\/p>\n I couldn’t manage to be poetic and nostalgic about my itemized stuff.\u00a0 And believe me, I tried, on the phone with my sister. I’m just not enough of an idiot, say what you will about me.<\/p>\n Now! What stuff would you<\/em> take, and for extra points, try to emulate the Ex’s lovingly descriptive tone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Save<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The other day, I dutifully checked in on the Ex Wife’s literary efforts, not just because I’m nuts but because they are so breathtakingly stupid. I always come away feeling both gratified and enraged. I can’t help it! She writes … Continue reading