{"id":11471,"date":"2016-10-06T04:47:14","date_gmt":"2016-10-06T11:47:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=11471"},"modified":"2016-10-06T04:47:14","modified_gmt":"2016-10-06T11:47:14","slug":"poor-little-bear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/poor-little-bear\/","title":{"rendered":"Poor Little Bear"},"content":{"rendered":"

$\"poor$ <\/p>\n

I have been too sad lately. Too sad to stay awake and too sad to live. It comes and goes. When it doesn’t go, I get worried and even more despondent.<\/p>\n

It’s something to do with my genes and my early childhood and my recurring depressions which make my brain more susceptible to triggers and don’t forget my PTSD.<\/p>\n

I miss my children and wonder what the point is. I feel exhausted and worthless. I imagine the horror of whoever would find my dead body and decide, “Never mind. I can go on.”<\/p>\n

So when I read about a designer<\/a> who turned teddy bears into art, I was inspired to try this myself. It would be better than “add Abilify<\/em><\/a>.” It would be like occupational therapy.<\/p>\n

It would give my hands something to do late at night when I decide to start picking the little scabs on my legs that I get from picking the little scabs on my legs. This leg thing has now gone on intermittently for several years. (See here<\/a>.) It is comforting in the moment but disappointing afterward.<\/p>\n

I got a used teddy bear and bought some embroidery thread. I can’t remember how to embroider but that’s okay.<\/p>\n

I’ve been working on my poor little bear, who is not only willing to undergo my pain for me, he is glad to be of service. I can tell when I look in his eyes. He is offering Himself up like Jesus Christ, suffering on my behalf with endless compassion.<\/p>\n

I am mostly maiming him with unneeded surgery. I’m throwing in some decorative touches like sequins but mostly I’m fixing his wounds, that is to say my wounds. There is a lot of work to do.<\/p>\n

My heart is so broken but the poor little bear understands. He might never be art but who among us really is, right?\u00a0 He feels my love, even as I torture him.<\/p>\n

Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to work.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Save<\/span><\/p>\n

Save<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"