{"id":11531,"date":"2016-10-18T21:45:48","date_gmt":"2016-10-19T04:45:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=11531"},"modified":"2016-10-18T21:45:48","modified_gmt":"2016-10-19T04:45:48","slug":"complaint-round-up-take-two","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/complaint-round-up-take-two\/","title":{"rendered":"Complaint Round-up, Take Two"},"content":{"rendered":"

$\"don't$ <\/a>Okay, so there’s skin cancer, big deal, removed and stitched up. If it were a serious life-threatening form of cancer, I would ignore it.<\/p>\n

But somehow, I’ve ended up making a million doctor appointments, as though I’m a car getting everything checked before a long trip.<\/p>\n

Sticking with the car analogy, I don’t even want to leave the garage but I guess I thought I should know what condition I’m in, just in case.<\/p>\n

Today I went to the eye doctor, who revealed that I can have cataract surgery, even though I wasn’t aware I had cataracts! What are they, even? All I know is, the surgery would improve my vision so much that I wouldn’t need contact lenses.<\/p>\n

That sounds wonderful! Except there must be a downside, like possible blindness?<\/p>\n

Who cares! Life has become a game of dodge-ball, and I was never good at that. Cancer, blindness, fragile bones, you try to keep ducking but there they are.<\/p>\n

Also, and this is way too much information, for the first time in years I went to a gynecologist, who loved what she saw and said my muscles were too toned! She pressed several different places and asked how each place felt. Some were “Don’t love it”, a couple were “Ow”, one was “Nothing” and others were pretty nice, although I am too classy to say “Keep going!”<\/p>\n

Later this week I have an appointment to discuss my shitty bones, and then a regular annual physical.<\/p>\n

I feel a weird mixture of dread and elation. Dread of finding out awful things and elation at knowing I don’t care about dying, if only it would hurry up.<\/p>\n

If you were ever a smoker, I’ll bet you think if you had six months to live, you would smoke your head off. If you’re concerned about your weight, you probably think you’d go on a wild 6-month eating binge.<\/p>\n

Me, I eat cookies all night long, I don’t exercise, I don’t care about my cholesterol, I don’t want anything more than a little dope to smoke and something good to watch on Netflix. I’m ready to die, like Leonard Cohen<\/a> was before he recanted<\/a>, but first I have to go to a million doctors.<\/p>\n

But here’s the good news: Two different blood pressure tests today at two different offices revealed that it was 150 over 80, and also 114 over 51.<\/p>\n

So that’s a relief.<\/p>\n

Save<\/span><\/p>\n

Save<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"