{"id":13022,"date":"2018-07-16T23:30:14","date_gmt":"2018-07-17T06:30:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/?p=13022"},"modified":"2019-09-19T20:23:15","modified_gmt":"2019-09-20T03:23:15","slug":"the-big-monkey-show","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/the-big-monkey-show\/","title":{"rendered":"The Big Monkey Show"},"content":{"rendered":"

The monkey was a monkey so it couldn’t even pretend to be a President. It kept being a monkey while people waited for it to transform itself. But it wasn’t magic; it was a regular monkey. So it went around being a monkey and the guys whose jobs depended on its success pretended it was a person.<\/p>\n

The monkey became more and more aggressive because there were no zoo keepers to keep it in line. It liked to throw bananas at people, not just important dignitaries but people in pain, and people just trying to do their job. The monkey loved attention. It used to have a TV show called “Look at the Big Monkey,” and it was accustomed to being a star.<\/p>\n

Pretty soon, a lot of people worried that the monkey couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a President. Other people said not to worry, there were lots of human people surrounding the monkey who could stop it from doing anything too catastrophic. But the monkey liked to fire the human people and replace them with other monkeys.<\/p>\n

Now there was a whole group of monkeys in the White House and in the government. What is the collective noun for monkeys? I’m too busy to look it up.\u00a0 Maybe later.<\/p>\n

People who never wanted the monkey to be President gathered to wring their hands and march in their towns with signs that said NO MORE MONKEY. But the monkey was only amused. It loved seeing signs about itself. It reminded him of his TV show.<\/p>\n

Lots of bad stuff happened. The monkey decided to lock up immigrants in cages, so bitter was he about having been born in a zoo. He had other ideas of how to get even with everyone who didn’t like having a monkey in charge.<\/p>\n

The time came when the monkey had to travel to speak with other world leaders. Everyone held their breath, hoping the monkey would control itself. But remember, it was a monkey! At home in the US, large groups of citizens would applaud the monkey’s every move. The more it jumped around, the more they applauded. They wanted a goddamed nonstop monkey show and now they had one!<\/p>\n

One day, the monkey flew to another country to meet it’s most dangerous adversary. What would it do? Predictably, the monkey defecated and threw its shit everywhere, but not at the adversary.\u00a0 The monkey was nothing if not a showman. It knew the world would be shocked and even more focused on its crazy antics. It kissed the adversary, just to agitate its detractors even more.<\/p>\n

Now there was shit everywhere! Would the guys who loved their jobs be willing to get fired by calling him a monkey? Would they prefer being covered in shit to possible unemployment?<\/p>\n

You bet they would! Because…well, just because.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"