{"id":13426,"date":"2019-01-11T15:30:44","date_gmt":"2019-01-11T23:30:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/?p=13426"},"modified":"2019-01-11T15:30:44","modified_gmt":"2019-01-11T23:30:44","slug":"golden-globes-2019-exegesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/golden-globes-2019-exegesis\/","title":{"rendered":"Golden Globes 2019 Exegesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

I know I’m late but the Exegesis must go on, so here we go. As usual, the show was a boring waste of time but let me say that the ONLY thing I wanted was for Lady Gaga<\/strong> not to win. Sometimes a negative wish is enough to encourage a sense of involvement, right? And I stand before you a happy camper.<\/p>\n

Why the animosity toward Lady Gaga? I just can’t stand her. But I think I have crystallized my revulsion for her with this insight: She is too needy. Her neediness makes me anxious, and it reminds me (subconsciously) of my own neediness, which I can’t face. Okay?<\/p>\n

Anyway, her loss was my gain. Likewise, I enjoyed (i.e., hated) the sight of Bradley<\/strong> Cooper<\/strong> as Colonel Sanders, with his girlfriend du jour, a Russian prostitute\/model.\u00a0 I liked Nicole Kidman<\/strong>‘s fillers, while I disliked whatever Charlize<\/strong> has done with her face.<\/p>\n

Taylor Swift<\/strong>‘s surprise appearance was like the Wicked Witch in Show White. When Idris “Please have sex with me!” Elba<\/strong> told Taylor that she was looking good, she replied “Thank you.” WHAT ABOUT “YOU TOO,” TAYLOR? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Maybe she just has no manners.<\/p>\n

Olivia Coleman<\/strong> was by far the most charming winner, just as she is the best actress alive. She can do no wrong. Go and watch all her movies and British dramas if you don’t believe me. Alfonso Cuar\u00f3n<\/strong> was another deserving winner who exhibited unusual modesty in a sea of gushy idiots still telling Liam and Isabella to go to sleep.<\/p>\n

Catherine Zeta-Jones<\/strong> was the winner of my Most Well-Preserved award, with Jamie Leigh Curtis<\/strong> taking the coveted Most Badly Aging prize. Patricia Arquette<\/strong> was amazing in her role of a lowlife prison guard in Escape at Dannemora<\/em>, but her boobs were truly disturbing as they tried to explode in her face.<\/p>\n

Regina King<\/strong> looked gorgeous and gave a delightfully joyous acceptance speech. Mahershala Ali<\/strong> looked inexplicably sad. Don’t be sad, Mahershala, we love you!<\/p>\n

Why did the Versace<\/em> series keep winning when it was such a trashy piece of shit? Anyone?<\/p>\n

Most incandescently beautiful was Saoirse Ronan<\/strong> in a Gucci dress that revealed her perfect satiny skin. I will be her in my next life.<\/p>\n

That cute guy whatsisname who everyone loves. Chalmet<\/strong> or something? He took the prize for most daringly queer beaded halter over a black on black outfit. But Billy Porter<\/strong> was by far the most glamorous man on the red carpet or anywhere else.<\/p>\n

$\"golden-globes-2019-exegesis\"$ <\/a> $\"\"$ <\/a><\/p>\n

God, just kill me. It’s too boring to relive. The show ended on a high note, with Gaga getting snubbed beyond my wildest dreams. Yay! Let me know what I left out. xoxo<\/p>\n

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