{"id":1381,"date":"2008-12-11T23:01:12","date_gmt":"2008-12-12T07:01:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.godammit.com\/?p=1381"},"modified":"2008-12-11T23:01:12","modified_gmt":"2008-12-12T07:01:12","slug":"poor-jennifer-aniston","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/godammit.com\/poor-jennifer-aniston\/","title":{"rendered":"Poor Jennifer Aniston!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I know you want some positive attention, and posing naked is always good for that. But here’s the problem, and I say it with all due respect: Your chin is the deal-breaker.<\/p>\n

Your nose came out great, especially after the last tweaking. It’s verging on adorable, in fact. I bet you’re wondering why you didn’t get a cute nose way back in the day. You were probably thinking that your healthy girl-next-door look was attractive enough to allow for a less than perfect nose, and you were right, because look how rich you are! You must have a zillion dollars from Friends. Your nose wasn’t an issue back then, remember?<\/p>\n

The Brad thing has really screwed you up, and I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine anything worse that seeing the hussy who stole your man on every magazine cover, leering at you with those huge enormous lips. I don’t know how you survived the public humiliation.<\/p>\n

But you’re never going to be beautiful in the way you want to be! You’re a great girl with a great, toned body, and your hair always looks so nice. Why can’t that be enough? Your cute nose only highlights the chin situation. It’s something you could talk about with Reese Witherspoon if you weren’t in such denial!<\/p>\n

Jen, I feel your pain. I wish Vince had stuck around and given you a baby, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Your thing with John Mayer does help to position you as a sexpot but realistically, that guy is just bad news. He’ll fuck anything that moves, and plus there’s that awful Guitar Face thing where he looks like he’s getting a tetanus shot….ugh, you know what I mean.<\/p>\n

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I’m not a psychiatrist (even though I play one on TV, haha.) I do know that nudity is not the answer. You won’t get Brad back and it makes you seem a little desperate. Have you considered just minding your own business instead of going around trying to prove that you’re a hottie even though you’re no you-know-who?<\/p>\n

If I were you, I’d spend my time spreading rumors that Brad is a lousy fuck and has herpes. Then I’d marry a hot young Latino and kick back, watching TV and ordering shoes from Saks while Angie has 50 more babies with stupid names and 50 more tattoos to mark her ownership. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about my uterus falling out!<\/p>\n

Just trying to help,
\nxo Sister Wolf<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"